Looking at the Bones
I have seen my brain, my heart, my lungs and today I get to see the rest of me. Either that or I will be so magnetized I will spontaneously something!Yesterday was the eighteenth anniversary of my fathers's death. Last night my whole apartment filled with the scent of his pipe tobacco, a smell I quite dislike, and I talked to him. I spoke of forgiveness, love and fear. I thought of the good things, of the bad, of the balance that is life and living.
Since mid Jnuary I have been struggling to be a grown up while I want to howl 'why me?' Why have I done this to myself? What possible lesson have I set myself up to learn by turning off half of my body?
I don't even smell right any more! Anyway, today i submit to an MRI and for the price it better be a whole body scan not just my head!
I do not know what I hope for beyond some type of answer. I feel overwhelmed because despite my efforts at using my left side and exercising to maintsin the muscles it daily becomes less under my conscious control. I hit myself in the head with the hair dryer yesterday, and even if I watch the keyboard there is no way to ensure my left hand sill hit the rigfht keys, or just the key intended.
There are so many people who are in a far more difficult circumstances than I am. And now I hve a shadow of understanding I weep for the mountains of frusatration if not outright discomforft thst have to bve endured.
So many simple things have become tasks I have to think about. even keeping a shoe on my left foot is a challenge because i do not know when it comes off. And dforget pants that zip up the left side! I spent precious minutes feeling for the tab before i realised I just cannot feel.
Anyway, my dad may or may not have stopped by last night. I asked him to help me be a big girl. to help me through this strange undoing, this taking me down to the bones.
At least my tendency to live in the moment is paying off. I know very well how to put one foot in front of the other, even if one leg drags slightly.
One step at a time.
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