Tough start today
Having a tough morning. I am losing elements of me that have been part of me forever.I have always danced. Always shown the echoes of my ballet training in the way I stand and move,.Tioday I reel and stagger, out of control, ungainly, in danger of hurting others or myself. And it breals my heart.
my words are trapped in unmoving thoughts, frozen waiting for the next right thing to show itself. And I am living inside a stranger who twitches and jitters,walks into walls that were not there a minute before.
Intellectually I know it is just that the pressures in the brain stem have shifted, gotten more or different (let's call a spade a spade, worse) so the art of communication is a memory trace in muscles that are too strong to be uncontrolled.
Cast intellect aside and my system is screaming at me, something is wrong,. something is really really bad, I cannot breathe I cannot talk I cannot move I cannot think and none of it is true but all of it is so so real.
I do not want to do this any more, this losing pieces of myself so fast I cannot keep up.
I used to sit in sesshin to let go of self, of ego, of duality and frequently felt renewed, revitalised after. But it was never like this. All the signposts, the landmarks of my psyche, all the things that make me myself are
disappearing, leaving me naked, paralysed and conscious.
The good thing is if I just let it happen, just sit and feel the storm, the fear, the panic, it passes. Perhaps we are just pushed to our limits and if we do not fight, the tide goes out to let us rest for a while. I am still not happy, but I am calmer. I have learned this will not last either. Life may be rich and good but sometimes it just plain sucks.
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