Aggressiveness
Being a person who always searches for a logical and reasonable way, these days I felt I needed to get to know more about aggressiveness, regarding the atmosphere on CS blogs lately. What I read, can be summed up in the following way:There are two main reasons for aggressiveness:
1. Fear (of being hurt, revealed, abandoned, etc), therefore the aggressive behavior is self-defence through attacking;
2. Striving for justice (defence of someone, of some idea, cause, etc), therefore the aggression is a try to make the world a better place through imposing some "ideal model".
The aggressiveness has many faces, from mocking, sneaky comments, and sarcasm to direct personal attacks (here I won t comment the physical aggressiveness which is not relevant in our case).
The first impulse of the attacked one is to reply with the same and even more so the initial attack soon turns into a fight where there might be a logical winner (the one who uses strongest arguments or the attacked one) but actually there is no winner. Why? Because the aggressiveness unlocks irrational energies, where the logic and common sense always fail. The irritation, fear, fury, jealousy, envy, and hatred are very strong feelings coming from the dark realm of the unconscious, and drag us back to the uncivilized.
What to do when we meet aggressiveness? Obviously, there are two ways: to react or not to react. They both have their strong arguments. The psychologists suggest several steps to deal with aggressiveness. First of all, to try to understand the attacking person. To see their fears, or other reasons. Not to speculate with them, though. Understanding the other helps us seeing them rationally and with empathy, not as some furious monster who menaces our inner peace. This understanding extinguishes our anger and stops us from replying to the attack with attack.
A second step could be either ignoring the attacks or replying in a firm but calm and polite way.
Remember: You can never change the other person. You can t "bribe" an attacking person with kindness nor defeat them with logic. Better focus on yourself and leave them fighting with their demons.
Pro Domo Sua
The net and especially CS (blogs) unlock aggressiveness in many people, including me. For quite a time I have asked myself why. The well-known argument of feeling safe while being hidden behind the pc is true. We d never talk to someone the way we talk here if it was eyes in eyes.
But for me, there is another, more intriguing reason. The weird, awful familiarity between people on the net. The luxury to share everything, even the most intimate stuff with random people has a very high price: we get terribly familiar with these people and therefore we lose our private space. There are no limits between us anymore which means no inhibitions for our interference in the personal life of completely unknown people. We allow ourselves to give advice and to comment without being asked, to be mentors, to ask arrogant questions etc, etc, everything that in "real life" would be considered utterly unkind and out of the bonton.
I myself, having some intelligence, logic and ability to express myself well, have been tempted to feel superior to many here. Yes there are silly people, hypocrites, mean people, arrogant ones, etc, etc. I felt it my "cause" here to defend justice and to impose some ideal model on CS blogs. Model which was in my head and according to which everybody here should be smart, interesting, writing great intelligent blogs, not attacking each other, always saying the truth, etc.
Totally unreal aim. The world and CS blogs in particular, are far from perfection. We can t make the fool clever, the hypocrite frank, the mean one an angel.
We can only work on ourselves and express ourselves in a balanced way. Whoever has ears will hear, whoever has eyes will see.
Comments (109)
To my mind one is as bad as the other.
I question how some on here can function in RL if they appear so thin skinned and oversensitive in the virtual world. They seem ill equipped to me.......poor babies.
Defensiveness actually often leads to the first type of aggressiveness I mentioned. People with low self-esteem or hurt people who have become suspicious are self-defensive. The best defence is the attack, as it s well known. I have been on both sides, and it doesn t worth it either way.
I believe in developing one's personality and I try to improve mine. Not because of the others but because of myself. Also, I think being nice makes communication much easier.
Thank you again for your support
I highly appreciate your comment! We all are so different personalities with such various background that it would be very weird if we agreed on everything. And it would be quite boring too :)
Thank you for being honest and kind! See you around
U made a romantic support for Jana and thats full of love, i love it
U have so so much love for Jana and that make me to love u more
for u made her happy, thank u Balck knight.
For love everything is possible
When u see Jana around i can hear ur heart, u just feel supper happy and that make me feel hyper super happy
For u both Jana and Franky and
only for Janaa man does not need flower, they should be strong and romantic
The Bkack Knight . . .. .( and the Evil Wievil to most of the rest )
The Evil Wievil . . . . . . ( well at least he's honest )
Hey Franky knight u make her blush, u r the only one who understand Jana from deep heart
I wish happiness and joy for Jana from my deep deep heart.
I know Franky knight u have a soft heart ur love about Jana is so special even on net i can feel it clearly, oh truely love is best, am with love and lovers forever and ever
Hope you've been well. It's been a long time...
"Blessed are the peacemakers...". But the peacemakers can only offer peace, they cannot (and should not try to) force peace on anyone.
The key is that ownership of aggressiveness and other emotions remains with each person. I'm learning to leave people to sort their feelings out for themselves.
I tend to feel responsible for the environment I'm in, which includes feeling I should work to resolve the negative emotions of others. I've learned that this isn't healthy for me. In the modern world when most attacks are with words, I'm learning to stand clear of conversations that aren't positive and constructive (or at least rational and polite).
It has an affect on my personal happiness, which I'm learning to value highly.
Your wise and positive presence has been missed here!
I totally agree with your comment and I fully understand you...
I hope to see you more often here
Your Knight . . . . ( see I'm only that person to you and a select few )
I wonder if any of the commenters on this great blog of yours can connect any of your insights to themselves..?
In the brave humility you display here you have proven yourself to be a winner as always , the lesson, the cognisance of your own and many peoples failings , is not lost on me either.
Saskia
interesting blog
my method for aggressivness is avoid it in the most of the cases
You know, when I feel uncomfortable about something, I like to study it because the unknown is where the demons hide.
I also believe though, that we need to be ready for a certain knowledge. For a long time, I wasn t ready to investigate my aggressiveness here. I felt guilty about it but I used to find excuses. Not that I have re-born all in white ;) But I got tired of being aggressive. I have my strong opinions like always but I think I need a stronger discipline regarding my contacts, comments, and tone. Being "omnivorous" and "omnipresent" waste energy and create unhealthy behavior and attitude. I need also to be more merciful to people, they/we are not guilty for who they/we are (joke )
Great blog!
Aggression in humans is proportional to their uncertainty. And usually our first reaction is the same. It took me many time to learn to ignore most such attacks and not reciprocate the same way.
With all my heart and soul I wish you to find your way to ignore aggression in others.
Thank you for your wise words and all the best to you too!
Of course ignoring other peoples aggression toward us is as many say here the sensible thing to do... it can usually be proven that engaging in aggressiveness in retaliation is never worth it , because the initiator will never recognise his/her fault.......But human nature makes it impossible at times if we find ourselves confronted with moronic and controlling behaviour , as we both well know ,its an instinctive reaction to defend ones self , when we know the protagonist is wrong in his or her attack on us.
We need the ability to recognise the fool quickly , and choosing to avoid conflict and difficulty for ourselves by ignoring that person.
Improving OURSELVES as richard says, is what will help us the most in the end.
your friend saskia
One of the things that irritates me a lot (challenge for my aggressiveness;) is the hypocrisy regarding freedom of speech. Political correctness has started taking territories from the truth. The limits between the harsh truth and politically correct lie have got quite blur. I expect us soon to call the black "shadowed white" or even "the other/better side of the white". Who does this "political correctness" serve? Nobody, it only serves hypocrisy and lie. It aims to disguise our ignorance, hatred, and fears. I am for politeness and kindness as historically settled social regulators but I am against the biggest lie: the political correctness.
Thank you for the tea, I drink it with honey!