The Two Words i FEAR Most

“Assembly Required”




Twas the night before Christmas.

After studying the Instructions i was inspired,that i could manage " Assembly Required." After all, i had bought things from IKEA before, actually it was buying things from IKEA in the first place that created the fear I have for those two words. (and I never did find the decaf coffee table I was looking for when I was last there, but that’s a blog for another day)

Where do i start, There’s a kitchen, a bike, and thanks to Santa (me), Barbie's 3 story town house.

Searching high and low for the tools I knew I would require. I opened the boxes and prayed no parts were missing or incomplete. (Damn prayers, I must be saying them wrong)
It was way too late for last-minute returns or replacements.
In a moment of panic i asked myself “If i can't get it right, what would or could i do”, pressure was mounting.

OMG, WTF, 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not very clear, what language was i reading?


With each part numbered and every slot named, It seemed so straight forward in the pictures, I couldn’t possibly fail.
More rapid than rabbits breading, the parts fell out, scattering all over the carpet, under chairs, behind cupboards. AARRGGHHHHHHH


Slide part “a” into part “c” and attach bolt (part “f”)
Bolt it, twist it, bang it, now screw it.
Slide on the seat, and staple the stairs,
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.
Bloody hell, I’ve just glued it my hand.

I knew I should have offered to pay extra to have the one already assembled.
My eyes are bleary, and my fingers are starting to hurt.
The coffee is cold, I finished the scotch, as the night wore on, finally the last rod and pin snapped together. YIIPPEEEE

After putting the tools away where they belonged,
I fell into bed, sleep deprived at best. Before I passed out, i thought this would be the best Christmas yet, without any doubt.
Tomorrow I will be sitting back watching my granddaughter getting a big thrill, and inside I would be saying i did it, I really did do it.


I won’t have to run to the store for a anything.
All the toys are together with nothing left over.

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Just then, i remembered there were three words even more frightening than “Assembly Required”


“BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED”



MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND ENEMIES, MAY SANTA BRING YOU WHAT YOU WISH AND MAY YOUR NEW YEAR BE A SAFE YEAR.


HO HO HO............