Newest Humor Poems (1,865)

A tank full of water, a bowl filled with pee,
I drank from the toilet and now I can't see.

NOW THIS IS THE TALE OF YOUNG FREDDIE BLOOR.
WHOSE s*xual PARTS GOT JAMMED IN A DOOR.
BY THE TIME THEY HAD FREED HIM, HE DIN'T FEEL WELL,
FOR HIS POOR PRIVATE PARTS WE'RE ALL MANGLED TO HELL.

THEY RUSHED HIM TO HOSPITAL, THE AMBULANCE FLEW.
BY THE TIME THEY HAD GOT THERE, THERE WAS NOTHING THEY COULD DO.
POOR OLD FRED WITHOUT ANY CHOICE,
LEADS A LIFE OF NO SEX AND HAS A HIGH SQUEAKY VOICE.

BUT LUCKY FOR FRED, SO HE WOULDN'T FEEL A FOOL,
SOME BRIGHT SPARK INVENTED A BIONIC TOOL.
A BRIGHT NEW SHINY ONE, MADE OUT OF BRASS,
THOUGH THE BATTERIES WOULD HAVE TO BE KEPT UP HIS ARSE.

SO NEWLY EQUIPPED AND AFTER A REST,
FRED THOUGHT HE'D PUT HIS NEW TOOL TO THE TEST.
FINDING A WOMAN, THE NEAREST ONE HANDY,
HE PLIED HER WITH DRINK AND MADE HER FEEL RANDY.

SHE UNDID HIS ZIP AND PUT HER HAND ON HIS C**K,
BUT WHEN SHE WAS DOWN THERE, SHE HAD A BIG SHOCK!
"THAT'S MY BIONIC CHOPPER." FRED SAID. "AIN'T IT A BIG ONE?
COR BLIMEY SHE SAID. "I THOUGHT IT WAS A GUN!

SO F*****G AWAY FRED TURNED TO FULL BLAST.
HE DID NOT KNOW HID C**K WOULD NOT LAST.
WITH A "BANG!" FRED'S LEFT BOLLOCK SHOT INTO THE AIR,
THEY COULD NOT FIND THE OTHER NO BLOODY WHERE.

SO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL TO SEE WHAT THEY COULD DO.
"WE HAVE A SPARE ONE, THAT'S LUCKY FOR YOU".
SO ONCE MORE EQUIPPED AND AFTER A READ,
FRED CONNECTED HIS TOOL TO A PLUG AND A MAINS LEAD.

GOOD OLD FRED, NOW HE DON'T HAVE TO TRY,
FOR NOW HE'S AC/DC AND CAN GO WITH A GUY.

THE END.

If Superman was fat,
Who would he be?
Maybe a pizza guy,
Or someone like me.

If Superman was sad,
How can we cheer him up?
Maybe bring a circus clown,
Or Morgan special brew tea in a cup.

If Superman was mad,
Who can save us from him?
Can we bring in Danny Davito,
Or me in my kryptonite spandex.

If Superman was a dad,
Won't have time to save the world,
With changing diapers and feeding,
Super babies in his pyjamas.

I am a handle to hold what the mind enfolds
soft in a lovers ear or quiet as a mothers tear
i can draw you close or make you run in fear
I can be long or short or one or two or in the middle too
I am the same for me and you but not the same its true
because I am the things my friends call me too

LOVE ON THE NET?!


I feel alone in need of love
So I go to a site
Where they say they want the same
But my heart is feeling the strain

Dating Sites are getting me down
Their the hardest game in Town
Look for love
But end up alone

They want you to be honest
Then cut you off!
You send a smile
They send a frown!

Dating sites are getting me down
Their the hardest game in Town
Look for love
But end up alone

Walking on eggshells
One word wrong
They throw you out
And your still alone!

They want rich
But you are poor
You want sweet
But they turn sour!

Dating sites are getting me down
Their the hardest game in Town
Look for love
But end up alone...

When I slept at the end of the bed I knew I no longer wanted you

When you came to bed late every night I knew you no longer wanted me,

Passion spent and gone was the love we once knew

Yes this was meant to be

I now have the king size bed.


Haha .

Hi! I am La Dudester by name. I seek out to find
a woman of a diffferent woman. And when
somebody told her she was a woman she
must still be able to knock them out with
a frying pan..

Six days ago I fell into a ditch. The
fire department pulled me out, and while
I was crying they bought me an ice cream
cone for 40 cents. They only did that
because my mother is from Egypt.

I am a man of great adventure. I watch
duck in park.

Twelve times I dated a woman of a different name but she still refused to
give birth to my 13 babies.

I single handedly overthrew the government of an entire nation but my
X- girlfriend said, 'That I still wasen't
tough enough.'

I am a warrior. One day I rode a horse into battle at 300 miles an hour. They
never did find the horse.

I'm planning to take a trip to another
planet one day. My X- boss has given up
his life savings to make sure I get there.

This new woman I seek on the site must
be willing to sleep in the woods for five
years before we sign a prenuptial agreement.

I am La Dudester.

Come to my country this Thursday night
so we can stand out on the street and
watch a circus horse tear up the town.

I am La Dudester!

You can email me @ dip dip La dip dip.
Or call me on 897-563-2942-638-074-024
My country is waiting to take your call

Send me a bag of french fries along with
your bank account number, birth certificate, and the deed to all your personal property. Lol.

Separated by an ocean
We live on different shores
We share a common language
are you sure? I’m not so sure
On subjects purely factual
we have great communication
but when it comes to British humour
There is a failure in translation

When talking to an Aussie
If I kick his sacred cow
He will see that I am joking
Hear him laugh, watch him howl
but on topics of religion
You get quite irate
If I name your god as an Imaginary friend
The humour fails to translate

If my words upset you
It was not my intention to offend
But please just let me know just what I said
I may wish to offend you again
Now that was me just joking
I think you Americans are just great
You cant help being the way you are
It's just my humour that won't translate

Mistic meg what do you see when your glaze through me

As she takes my palm in her hand

Stares intensively

I furrow my brow thinking worriedly

" tis a dark haired man that will play games with your head

I'd. Never fall so stupidly

For dark haired man playing games with my head nor mystic Meg

I take my money off the table and run instead .


By K Frew.

A bard as Ancient as Macintosh...

The night wears a satin black,
with countless poker dots diamonds,

And in the morning sky,
change into a silky gold,
with fluffy laces of milky pearls,

I once summoned a frighten toad,
to fight a dancing Dragon,
with its webbed feet and tongue,
but fled when it's turn came,

Then I call my mum on my handphone,
she hang up coz I didn't pay her bills,
how can I dance on frozen butter,
while only wearing my Superman underwear?
And where is a shooting star when you need one?