Newest Humor Poems (1,865)

The life I’ve led has been so hard
That my body’s quite a wreck
Don’t ask about my state of mind
For up is down and in is side out

So many scars my body cover
I look like a turkey wrapped
I’m sure were it not for all of these
My insides would be on the floor outside

Now you might think I exaggerate
But you should see my left leg
Two rods, four pins, but that’s not all
Twenty seven screws together all hold

My right leg, I’m not sure where’s that
Many years ago was lost
All they gave me was a wooden peg
And with white ants that is riddled

My arms are fine, they work all right
Well, maybe not as good as yours do
It only took thirty three procedures
I swear they had fun slicing and dicing

Even my breasts did not escape
This mad ride called life
With all the ops that they performed
They now bruise my knees

I thought that when the end is near
My body to science I’ll give
Got in touch with the Body Farm
And filled out their application

Wasn’t long before round they came
To see what they’d be getting
Asked if I’d mind stripping off
For an examination so thorough

When out I stepped the woman screamed
And to her knees she dropped
“Holy Mary Mother of God,
Save me from this abomination.”

On she prayed as tears ran
While backwards she was crawling
Finally the door she reached
And down the road she fled

The man just stood there white as a ghost
His mouth wide open hanging
Faint moans escaped his lips
And sweat from his face pouring

Suddenly he turned and ran
As if on his heels Hell’s Hounds
Left his car where it was parked
Just fleeing on his mind

As slowly I dressed again
I pondered what had happened
Did that mean that the Body Farm
Had rejected my application

To travel
In time a very different place
To the future
Or to the past

To allter are mistakes
To change what will be
To end are hard times
To fix are past

To mend are mistake
To end the past
Are new future we will create
A life of want fufilled

Are future bright
To travel at the speed of light
New york to sydney in just an hour
Na a blink of an eye a flash of light

You shop till you drop
And back home for tea to rest your waery feet
Hi love back again want a cup of tea

Things are tasting very plain,
Take one relationship fading away,
Ounce of pleasure per pound of pain,
A sprinkling of tears like rain,
Set aside and let it drain,
A couple cups of rotten luck,
Fold in a few "I hate your guts",
One "I never want to see you again" ,
And a dash of "Maybe we can be friends...",
Then at the end throw in the towel,
Viola!,
Your done,
You've a heartache now...

slowly move toward me i can feel u your hand touch my mind lick my lips taste your sweet sweat made a sound just OH OH...wait just a minute all most there hold it don't move close your eyes say my name wait almost there wait wait here it c*m c*m wait shhhh wait hold it oh may gosh am ...am hold me so good wow can u smell it can u taste me so good slowly moving down my thigh heat warmth so good taste good wow my first cup of coffee ?

I don't want to be that rich I am happy with what I got
I have got enough to get by on. although its not a lot
I don't want to be attractive to the opposite sex. I am past all that stuff now.
I don't need women to look at me, to smile and say wow!!
I don't want to be that brainy. clever or even quick,
why would I need all that? I am happy with being thick.
I don't need to be that funny, I ain't that sort of bloke,
I may tell em now and then, but I don't care if you miss the joke,
I don't want the body of a god. I am happy with what I see,
whats the point of a six pack when I have a barrel in front of me
I have the strength for all my needs,i don't need to be any stronger
but I do need to stop writing this, before my nose grows any longer

Someone asked me recently
“Where is Venus Minnesota”
I told them, “I have no iota”
Venus is the love planet
Women on here are from
We’re like juicy cherry plums
Are you here to give us
Our wanton shares
Of love’s secret pleasures
Thinking we cannot resist
Or just to bludgeoning persist
With the flick of your wrist
And insist you want to meet
Someone beautiful to greet

We’re women we hail from Venus
Among us here, take your pick, quick
If you are reading our emotional prose
Then it’s a good bet you already know
We're ready and quite surely your type
Venus women don’t gripe (much)
And, we’re ripe for the picking
Kicking, licking good and sticking
To our impossible dreams like glue
Like plundering, thundering and such

I bet you’re possibly thinking
With your brain cells clinking
About sensual visions of me and you
Oh yeah, you’re really smoking now
All you see is Venus de Milo and Aphrodite
Your heart so red hot and smoking now
Throwing back your head, you shout with glee
Thinking and wishing, oh how, oh how
Can I be their dream man from Mars
Destination Venus love and the stars

Wise up and kindly please listen
It’s only here you’ll find those matches
We're all hotter than nuclear fission
Ok, maybe with a few little scratches
But what does that really matter
Because you are here to flatter
Possibly shatter, spin the platter
Burst our bubbles like pancake batter
Remember, we are like a cherry plum
Women from Venus are not so dumb
About you handsome men from Mars
Under our spell you will succumb
Go ahead, reach for Venus and the stars
Do it … NOW … right from where you are!

Eat a raw organic salad with me
Full of crushed pods of raw garlic
Seducing your mouth like an erotic kick
I promise it will be extremely heavenly
As the hotness subtly stings in your mouth
The pungent sticky juice so wet on your tongue
A delectable herb known to help your heart throb
Descending into your body it’s purely an inside job
Stimulating and warming increasing your desires
Its luscious hot center revealing its fire
Extolled by Hippocrates and Pliny the Elder
The benefits abound meant for pure pleasure
This ancient pod increases s*xual stamina
Working through your brains like lambda
Garlic is for knowledgeable lovers
Those plump voluptuous clovers
Eat a raw organic salad with me please
Full of bruised and crushed raw garlic
Makes us feel so chick and rather slick
Sweet pleasures its destined to release
Now kiss me with that pungent wet mouth
Exponentially deeper along the o*al route
Eat a raw organic salad with your love
Ladened with that sensual crushed garlic
The knowledgeable lovers secret trick
Let it penetrate all your senses like a treasure trove
Deeply savor that creamy firm bulbous clove that drove
You to a night of abandonment and the pleasure it wove

Thanks for your comments guys

Call me crazy, a bit hazy
Pick me a Moon daisy
I am only musing
What could be amusing
About that one email
I wish to see in my in box
The one from the red fox
That offs my pink socks

A note to make me pale
Full of tempest like a gale
Causing my heart to sail
Sweet innocence prevails
Words that don’t fail
Leaving breadcrumb trails
To ignite a love unveiled

Alas, it never comes to me
Why I ask, why oh why
Are you just being shy?
I am looking for a reply!
From a special one I crave
That will make me behave
Like a silly school girl
Put my heart in a whirl

Give me a shock wave
Commence me to rave
About the one so brave
This mysterious one
That could be so fun
And may be the only one
To cause me to be undone
My heart completely won
Falling like bricks, a ton

I’m crazy enough already
Nervously waiting, unsteady
I really need to finally see
That special email to me
In my ever loving inbox
From the brave red fox

But, where in the world
Is this one illusive email
Being delivered by a snail?
I need air mail!

Poetry reading first thing in the morning
Goes perfectly with a nice hot cup of coffee
Nothing is more beautiful than this dark elixir
Mated with a little sugar and light cream mixer
As it swirls in your cup and revs up your cells
You begin to contemplate as if under a spell
Of that bitter little bean that reins so supreme
This umber dark brew is a drug-induced dream

Reading words brought to life by your poet friends
Taking you on life’s tours like video camera lens
Imprinting indelible pictures delivered by their pens
As you read and sip you savor the words they spin
Visions their painting from thoughts deep within

Ah, coffee, some call it cafe’, still some say Cuppa
I just call it sweetly every morning “come to mamma”
Now I’m thinking about how many poets the world over
Are sipping their brew and writing their little hearts out
Percolating on those dark alluring coffee beans no doubt
Climbing to such creative heights with deep soulful minds
Coffee and poetry are synchronistically aligned

Time for another wee cup, as some call it a “cup of Joe”
My secret blow of magical beans that sets my mind aglow
Allowing me to experience the depths my thoughts show
Of the pageantry that poetry delivers like a sinful gateau
The only thing missing in this picture is my fabulous beau
If my coffee would only help me write him into existence
How awesome, yes, the ultimate pièce de résistance