6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. ***A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER***
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family .... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked....
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R ! We missed the R !
We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won’t jump all over you no matter what you’re studying.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one cow to a subsidiary corporation that you created. You then lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. The quarterly dividend looks great. You cover up your bleak long-term profitability.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more. To get away with murder, you get the White House involved and hire million dollar paper shredders. When hits the fan, you hire experts to eliminate witness with accidents and heart attacks. The public buys your bull. Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in assets is declaring bankruptcy?
BONUS!
Corporations around the world....
BELGIUM:
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
CHINA: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
FRANCE: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
GERMANY: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, milk themselves, are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
GREAT BRITAIN: You have two cows. Both are mad. You feed them warm beer. Unexpectedly they produce milk not tea. You turn the paddock into a cricket pitch. Life is jolly good.
INDIA/HINDU: You have two cows. You worship them.
IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go in hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
ISRAEL: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
ITALY: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
COW ECONOMICS (And Politics)! Economics and Politics boiled down into simple concepts.
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TRADITIONAL AMERICAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell the herd and retire on the income.
MODERN AMERICAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd. You die. Your family is forced to sell the entire herd in order to pay the required "death tax".
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. In conjunction with the government, you form a "private/public partnership" to regulate his cow and tell him how to manage it.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government allows you to keep your cows, but tells you when, where, to whom, and for how much you may sell the milk. You are subjected to unannounced inspections. You may not sell your cows without government permission.
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your Lord takes some (or most) of the milk.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. You are drafted into the army.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both. You protest. Government agents then trash your home and shoot you because they felt like doing so. Your neighbor is arrested for "Obstruction of Justice" because he witnessed everything.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
REPUBLICAN PARTY: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
DEMOCRATIC PARTY: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
LIBERTARIAN PARTY: You have two cows. You let them do what they want as long as they're not harming anyone or trampling anyone's rights. The government doesn't need to know anything about it.
CONSTITUTIONALIST PARTY: You have two cows. The government has no Constitutional authority to tell you what to do with them.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
- If the advertisement says “This is not your father’s Oldsmobile,” the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobile’s, appeals primarily to your father.
- If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
- If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world’s biggest dip.
- And so on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it’s because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as “Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention,” I would quit my job to work for his campaign.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe “Daylight Saving Time.”
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, “THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT,” and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, “SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” Then the next time, it spits out, “FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
- The universe is even bigger than they thought! - There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! - Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: “meetings.”
(Actually this kinda' fits Jackson and I already! )
A couple in their 80’s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen for a drink,” he replies. She asks, ” Will you get me piece of cake?” The husband says, “Sure.” She gently reminds him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you don’t forget it?” He says, “No, I can certainly remember that!”
Then the woman says, “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top. You’d better write it down because I know you’ll forget it.” The man replies, “I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries.”
She adds, “I’d also like whipped cream on top. Now I’m certain you’re gonna forget that, so you’d better write it down! Ok?” Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!” He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?”
Let’s face it. Men don’t know anything about women. We sometimes claim to, but they’re so damn complicated there’s no telling what they’re thinking or what they want. With the help of a large pool of people (however many would fit in the shallow end), we answer the age old question of how to a impress a woman (the man part was thrown in for good measure).
How to Impress A Woman
* Wine her. * Dine her. * Call her. * Hold her. * Surprise her. * Compliment her, * Smile at her. * Listen to her. * Laugh with her. * Cry with her. * Romance her. * Encourage her. * Believe in her. * Pray with her. * Pray for her. * Respect her. * Honor her. * Cuddle her. * Shop with her. * Give her jewelery. * Give her flowers. * Kiss her. * Caress her. * Love her. * Stroke her. * Tease her. * Comfort her. * Protect her. * Hug her. * Spend money on her. * Buy things for her. * Care for her. * Stand by her. * Support her. * Hold her hand. * Write love letters to her. * Go to the ends of the Earth and back again for her.
How To Impress A Man
* Show up naked... With beer. * Bring chicken wings. * Don’t block the TV.
A Yankee lawyer went pheasant hunting in Northwest Kansas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, “I shot a pheasant and it fell in this field, I’m going into retrieve it.” To which the old farmer replied “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer answered back, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that pheasant, I’ll sue you and take everything!”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things here in Kansas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Kansas Three-Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Kansas three-Kick Rule?”
The Farmer replied. “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old plainsman. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old redneck hayseed, now it’s my turn.” The old Kansas farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the pheasant.”
I realize that there's a good chance that I'll go down in flames for this, but what the heck - You only live twice!
Physicians: a. The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000. b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health &Human Services)
Now think about this . . .
Guns: a. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500. c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.
Statistically, this means that doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, “Guns don’t kill people; doctors do.”
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!
Note: Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
I got married last Wednesday evening for the 3rd and final time. I honestly never thought I'd ever do it again, but then I found the one I've been looking for my entire life. Found her here on CS, in fact!
Oh, and one marriage is too many if it's to the wrong person. At the same time, I've got a buddy up in Kansas who has been married 6 times; He told me, not long ago, that he wasn't going to bother to get married anymore - He's just gonna' go out, about every 3 or 4 years, find a woman he hates and buy her a house and a car!
Well, now that kinda' depends on whether or not I've been fishing and whether it was in the fresh, cold water of the Clinch River or the warm, murky water of Bull Run Creek.
Well... When I first came to see the lady I married, I told her "I finally got a load to East Tennessee and I'm driving a thousand miles tomorrow just to meet you face to face. If you'll agree to meet me at the truck stop, I promise to trim my beard and take my monthly bath a week early!"
(It must've worked as we've been pretty much inseparable ever since!)
(Actually, she just said the SHE has been inseparable - I've just been insufferable! )
Collards is green, my dog’s name is Blue And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales but I luv you that way. Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry jist a-fry’n in the pan. Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff” right out of the can.
You have some’a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, Well, I’m in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape, yo’re there fer yore man, To patch up life’s troubles and fix what you can.
Yo’re as cute as a junebug a-buzzin’ overhead. You ain’t mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack. Yore complexion, it’s perfection, like the best vinyl sidin’. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin’.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, We go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine’s Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it’s romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day From the cooler at Kroger. That’s impressive,” I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. “Diamonds are forever,” they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these jist won’t do. Cause yor’e too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, More useful than diamonds……IT’S A NEW TROLL’N MOTOR!!
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, “Boy, go git yer Momma…”
The_Kansan Forum Posts (3,395)
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Wow, no opinions?
RE: I feel so Violated!!
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Is VERY trustworthy! (But not a lady!)