There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks. "You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph." "But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies. "HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!" The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost. "What happened to her?" the officer asks. "I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160.
After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road. 'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.' Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?'
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park your car in it man.
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly towards the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"
A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up next to him. The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at the inside of the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car. Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip on past him. So, being a little cocky, the Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter. A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he's a little irate as well as a little mifted that that scooter keeps passing him so he floors it until he is going over 100 mph. He thinks to himself that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the rearview mirror and sees that scooter starting to catch up. He then decides to find out what that scooter really is and slams on his brakes. Then the scooter crashes into the Porsche. After the dust settled, the Porsche driver sees the scooter driver lying in the road and goes over to him and askes how he could go as fast as the Porsche on a little wimpy scooter... The dying man replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on your side mirror...."
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, "What will you take: 30 days or $30?" The man thought and replied, "I think I'll take the money.
A traffic cop flagged down a motorist and said, 'I'm arresting you for going through three red lights.' 'Yeah, well, I'm colour blind,' said the motorist. 'In addition to that, you were exceeding the speed limit,' said the policeman. 'So what?' said the motorist. 'And on top of all that you were going the wrong way down a one-way street,' added the officer. 'I always did have a lousy sense of direction,' said the motorist with a smile. At that point, his wife leaned forward from the ,back seat and said, 'Don't pay any attention to him, officer. He always talks like this when he's had a few drinks.'
Motorist: 'But, officer, I was speeding because I'm late for an appointment with my lawyer.' Policeman: 'Well, now you've got something else to tell him.'
Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500."
"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000!"
"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000, OK?"
"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know to whom this phone belongs?"
Still too young for this stunt guys, well take notes for a day in the future.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me tell you about my weekend!' Not All Seniors Are Senile!!!
LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in quick workout at the spa before meeting dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them .
'No way', the blonde exclaimed. 'I almost got caught yesterday.'
Two days ago I ate part of a scrimp ring and the ends went into the incinerator. What a genious this woman was to have thought of what to do with the tails of her scrimps.
These "tails" won't be incineratored for a looooooooog time to come.
hollandgirl Forum Posts (4,464)
RE: Mid Life Crisis!!!!!!!
There is a lot to being a good hairdresser. It is not an easycourse to take. It is a proffession.
Specially male hair dresser can make good money, they often
charge a lot more than the women do.