Another short
This one was written in Indonesian language, I am translating it now.Feel free to give opinion or see the grammar mistake, I need it :)
Mike
Nad did know what made her heart beat faster before her meeting with Mike. Is it Mike, or the fact that this will be the first time for her to meet another man after her breaking up with Dave four months ago. A break up after their four years relationship.
Nad could still recall those soft lips from her first meeting with Mike. Those lips which kept talking. About anything. His study in Sorbonne. His girlfriend whom in the beginning was so attractive but then became like a fungus, which kept sticking in your skin and became annoying. His fingers moved beautifully as he talked, almost like a dancer, which made Nad imagined how it felt to be touched by those beautiful fingers. The movement made his “NEMO” tattoo on his fingers seemed like dancing. Inviting.
Those soft lips and dancing fingers, Nad could still recall how many times she imagined kissing those lips and felt those fingers on her skin. But she did not do it, because that was their first date.
And now, even after six years, Nad still got that vibe knowing Mike was in town. Yes, Nad and Mike accidentally got in touch again. They exchanged messages via messenger, and agreed to meet again.
And that meeting happened. Last night. All night till dawn.
Untranslated part… on progress…
Mike went on dawn. And they made a promise to meet again a year from that night. Nad did not know whether she would look forward to that day. She also did not know whether she would still feel this heartbeat when they meet. What she knew was, from now on she would be able to sleep with a smile on her lips, because Mike’s lips has erased Dave’s lips from her lips. And Nad hopes that night spent with Mike, will erase Dave from her memory.
Comments (19)
Should be: four-year relationship
His study... in La Sorbonne
His girlfriend who in the beginning...
--- like a fungus which kept sticking... - no comma!
The movement made his “NEMO” tattoo on his fingers seemed like dancing. Inviting.
Should be: made... his fingers seem like dancing.
They exchanged messages via messenger, and agreed to meet again.
No comma after messenger and agreed...
Mike went on dawn??? Do you mean: till dawn?
...and they made a promise... no comma before the and
because Mike’s lips has erased...
should be: had erased (it is the past tense)
...that night spent with Mike, will erase...
No comma before will
That´s all I can find at the moment. I am in a hurry..
Certain people thrive on being sarcastic....they just want a reaction....
I really admire your ability to translate something from the Indonesian language into English and to put your work ‘out there’ to be read and critiqued. In my opinion that takes both heart and courage!
Your writing seems young right now yet most all of us start that way… honing the craft of writing usually takes time but also love and support. Just stay with your heart and you’ll continue to develop and mature in the ways of sharing or telling a written story. Although I am a poet, I’m only recently beginning to write in narrative form so I’m pretty young too.
I know there’s an “International Women’s Writing Guild” to gain support if you’re interested in further developing your writing, whether for fun or for publishing. Anyway, if interested go online and check out the Guild to decide if it could be a possibility for you. You could make friends with other writers and receive feedback on your writing from some highly seasoned people.
The kind of love and direct feedback Minerva, KN and Calypso offered is exactly the kind of love and support we all need to grow as writers
Beware of folks with tattood fingers. A jailhouse/prison thing. Also secret society tattoos inside the cheeks or on the inner lips or tongue.
And they sat and talked and Mike talked, but wouldn't shut up. Finally Nad fell asleep and when she woke up it was dawn.
Mike left at dawn.
would erase Dave from her memory.
every writer start fom the beginning ,not every one start with a pulliter prize .just keep on going ,maybe rob can help you to ,he also wricht little storys on here,very nice to read to
Hi beautiful, you are beautiful inside and out! Thank you so much for the encouragement and the info about the writer's guild. Yes I am still new and will check and post my work there when I have the guts to. My writings are mostly in Indonesian Language and I am currently translating it to english. I will definitely put it here first once it's finished and would love to hear what you think about it.
Ken, a note about tattoo, the criminals these days wear suits and ties not tattoo :)
hi Dutch, thank you. Who is rob? I haven't been on blogs for a while maybe I missed him.