Which side of the zipper does your Ying Yang hang...

I wore tight jeans when I was a teenager and the placement of my family jewels was significant. Make the wrong move (like getting out of a sports car) and the pain was eye watering.
If I bought a few pairs of the same style jeans, it was easy to determine the safe side of the zipper. With a different cut of pants and I'd have to rearrange the location of Fred and the twins. As the jeans faded (note: I'd wear clothes until there were rags) you could see wear marks on jeans near the bottom of the zipper and know where the jewels resided.
This wasn't of much importance until my band played a few times at a local pub and the waitress made note of it. I believe it was her hobby and the size of the wear mark was a determining factor if she was interested in a guy or not. Looks to her weren't important.

Anyway, it's been years now that I'm wearing relaxed-fit jeans and 'placement' is no longer an issue. I stopped drinking juice and drinks with sugar, cut out cakes and donuts and my weight is 10 pounds less. My jeans are noticeably baggy. I'm opposed to wearing a belt and suspenders are out of the question... that means I'm constantly pulling up my jeans. It's not 'hip-hop' territory yet, but I'm working on a plan. I ruled out a strip of Velcro on my backside but there is merit to stitching some elastic on the inner waistband so no one can see it.

If I lose another 10 pounds I'll be shopping for new jeans with regular fit. The fear then is having to worry about which side of the zipper to hang my Ying Yang.