What am I affraid of?

I have sat at this computer thinking of things to write about. I love this blog thing as I can speak my mind. Today for the first time I really am trying to admit to myself what happened? Why am I here and why has it taken me 10 years so far to find someone? (yes no sex in 10 years!) Trust me when I say. I know I can get just about any man I want, any where, and any how (with exception to married men.. do not do that!). I was a people watcher, then I figured out what it took to lure a man to me. I was so good at it! Really no other woman really stand up against me. I had my pick first and the rest was up to them. I was challenged time and time again and it worked every time. I never had to leave my seat, expose myself or even get near the man. Let me add not in all the years did I ever leave with any of them, and I would not allow any to follow or walk me to my car. So I decided to go back in time and ask myself what stopped? Was it the divorce (partly) is it because I gained weight (somewhat maybe) but then I am taken back to after the divorce. Easy come easy go. Heart broken I was, but it was a mutual decision. So no skin off my nose right? I did go out that night to have a drink and just to get away. Yes maybe to waller in my own self pity. Yet, that was not in me. I do not go and get drunk. Actually really now I don't even have a drink. Then it dawned on me as I was typing earlier, what may be the reason! You see. That night I went out and ordered my usual. A friend of mine who was a performer was playing music that night. However it was in the middle of the week and early.. There was only him, an other woman, the bartender and myself. I ordered a BV and 7, it was really light. I did not even finish drinking it. As I decided to go the night club across the street where a male friend was bartending and I knew there would be music as well. I just needed to see other people (people watch) having a good time! That life was not over. I drove across the street and got out of my car. My body all of a sudden decided to have a mind of its own! As I tried to walk to the door, my body lost all control and almost ventured out into a busy main street! I managed to grab hold of a retaining wall and stopped! Unable to figure out what the hell was going on with me. I looked back at my car and said, "Well hopefully you will go in the same direction as you came." So I let go and my body again had a mind of it's own. I was dizzy, confused! My hands landed on the back of the car, and I used it to get around and unlock it. I crawled in the back seat, locked my doors and that is all I remember until I woke before dawn the next morning. The bar tender that night (his name Greg) had a thing for me, but he was not one I would give time or day too except small talk. It was some time later that as hard as I tried I could not remember much about that night. Then I remember seeing him stir my drink before handing it to me. That SOB slipped something in my drink! It was the one and only time! I really have not been out since. Is this what I am afraid of? Not being as sharp as I used to be? Nah.. that cant be it!