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I'm conflicted about the idea of getting emotionally involved with at man. There are sacrifices that must be made when one becomes half of a unit. Looking back, I realize that with every partnering, I've had to give up a part of myself. Sure, I just haven't met "the right one", but how many times must I fail?

I have always compartmentalized things to keep things simpler. Two FB pages. Many CS accounts. The work me and the home me. Just so family and co-workers are safe from my real thoughts, the ones that make people uncomfortable. To allow a partner to know all of me is a frightening thought.

So, my conflict is with loneliness and freedom from worry of those I become attached to. Then there's the investment of time and emotions that make me want to continue with relationship that clearly wasn't working.

So, today, I'm on the fence for trying it again. Im prepared to climb off the fence but the fear is overwhelming. Sometimes I'm certain I'm not cut out for it. Then, the selfish, lonely me wants to give it a try.

Conflicted

I took him inside of me
Willingly
And now he will always be a part of me

Nothing grew except an experience
Willingly
And now that will always be a part of me

I don't know if I wish for
Amnesia or old memories
For the part that will always be a part of me

I opened the window for the first time
And the furnace remained silent
The birds' songs masked by neighbors talking
Children laughing

A party in the park
Balloons smiling and food grilling
While there was running, sliding and swinging
Dare I join in and climb the jungle gym?

With spades and rakes, people groomed
The earth
When was the last time I was groomed
By nurturing hands?

She sat in the woven chair
A nest of sorts, she sat, sorting thoughts
Her earrings dangling, casting light back to the sun
He watched her, both contemplating
She, her desire to fly
Him, his desire for her sparkle
He came closer, drawn in by threads of light
She looked up, shielding her eyes
Grand wings, lofty in flight
She became intranced, a statue in the garden
He brushed her cheek with ebony feathers
Before plucking her earring,
That is the sting of love

That was a line out of a movie. I thought about that a good while. So, I began to think, what can I do to feel good? Then, with baby steps, I began to get my house in order. I've lived here for 5 years but with all of the drama, I never had the focus to make my house a home. I love my house but it looked like the movers dumped my stuff and left. That's because that's what happend. Lol

So far, I have organized my shoes and clothes. I'm also in the middle of moving furniture where it should go. I have some pieces that are dark wood. I like dark wood but I have poor lighting and the trim is dark so it felt like a cave. Because of this, I painted a chest of drawers and vanity in a happy yellow. I had some turquoise spray paint so I painted a chair and end table. Everything is coming together. I feel so good!

To be continued

It's not everyone's taste but I hung my drapes with balls.

Should women be allowed to back up into your home topless drinking Kombucha?

I have been pondering and reflecting on life. How the different elements mingle and swirl, forever being connected. How something I thought was scary or weird, well, I've discovered a new appreciation.

I will tell you about my thoughts on what I always thought was strange and scary.

It's understandable that one might be frightened if not informed. Knowledge sheds light on mysterious things. There is a thing that I didn't have much knowledge of. From what I'd seen in pictures, no two were alike and likewise for good looks. Then, I thought to myself, what if I have a similar shape, hidden. How amazing is that? I'm always surprised to watch an object change before my wide eyes. Nature is truly astounding. To think, I have been formed to fit an other person. Isn't that mind-blowing?

Being female, I don't know what this thing likes. I have been fortunate to meet someone who candidly suggests and coaches me in the art. As if I have a sculpture in my hand, I stroke it, feeling the smoothness. I examine it while tracing every curve. It's not ugly at all. It's beginning to grow on me

to be continued

hello,
it's been a few weeks since i've been on. i finally got a wifi provider but as you've heard, you get what you pay for. i'm trying to stream a movie that has frequent pauses to load during the evening, leaving me the opportunity to post in the pauses.

i was fortunate to find a job while my present job winds down. the doors are expected to close, forever, in 8 weeks. i'm feeling a bit sad that it will end. i finally thought this may be my last job. it wasn't easy to find work and i feel so happy to have something lined up. the thought of going on unemployment and the red tape that is attached was not desirable at all. it was pure timing and chance. the opportunity snuck up on me and i got it without much time to worry.

i will say farewell to my Very Reliable Associate and this also makes me sad. life goes on. life just keeps going on and on and on...like it or not.

it's almost a summer's night
the green has populated the barren earth, extending
vines, curling and crawling
unkempt weeds are blooming, falsifying beauty
while the flowers are still birthing from stems, growing
there is the cold incense burning, under rays, spreading
cut grass, glowing, in nostrils, flaring
it's almost a summer's night
premature improvements, anticipating
gatherings, of friends, outdoors, beers pouring
fires burning, meat cooking on coals, glowing
smoke delivering, making mouths water, noses sniffing
windows open, revealing indoor sounds, outdoors
bare legs are vulnerable to razors and bugs, biting
it's almost a summer's night