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the evolution of me. this is prompted by a blog here. i'm mainly writing about my experience which will differ from most. i will preface by stating that i have been in long term relationships, marriage, etc. that resulted in making personal sacrifices that i found not very beneficial to my self esteem or finances.

there is give and take in relationships, sometimes the taking keeps taking while what is left to give becomes limited to none. sure, i just didn't meet the right person. is there a right person? of course, we all want to believe that.

then there is the natural sex drive. sure, there is m**turbation, until the "right person" comes along. or, there is the wrong person who woos and awakens the romantic side, making love the motivation for the permission for making love, not sex.

i know myself, and i know i'm a sucker for being the object for sweet notes and fantasies. it would seem, the lower i felt, the easier i was to cave to a man's desires. that "special" feeling that opens legs wide and turns lust into commitment.

not these days. today, i look at sex the same way as any other activity. i find sex fun. i've learned that i don't have to log time with a man to validate the act. if there is attraction, why not? the friend with benefit keeps me fit and although there is give and take, it is only for the simple act of sex. when the event is over, i can go back to my life, and enjoy life on my terms. i'm sure many would find this selfish. i've always been selfish with my time. small doses of people is about all i can handle. i'm not selfish with much of anything else. if i'm eating and someone is hungry, i'll share. if someone needs a few bucks and i have a few bucks to give, i'll give it.

i am always changing. i won't ever be who i was years ago and i won't be the same tomorrow as i am today. i don't expect my friend to be in it for the long haul but we offer the physical contact to meet needs that are otherwise left wanting.

that's about it for now, folks.

When the going gets tough, the tough goes balls to the walls.

Today is my day off one more day til payday and ill have electric. I got a sewer shut off notice today. In addition, i got a notice of my drivers license suspension in 6 months for delinquent child support/property taxes. I have decided to blow off the gas bill since summer is coming and a furnace isn’t necessary. Im focusing on the bare minimum.

Since i am looking for a new job, my present job will be nonexistant when the furniture department has been liquidated. My store went bankrupt. I need wifi and a license for new employment.

I didn’t grow up to be a salesman or cashier. I grew ip to be an artist. The chips are down. My very reliable associate is assisting me with a method of bathing and i’m hoping he will accompany me to some art galleries to show a sample of my work.

I still dont feel suicidal so all things considered, the sun is shining.

Trolling is not exclusive to CS. Anyone who’s been on FB knows trolls are alive and well. In addition, trolls pop their heads out while shopping and in daily activity.

I am grateful that the online world allows bitter, hateful people to express their illness on a format that is easily dismissed with a button.

It is far more difficult to ignore, escape or retaliate against abuse in person. I come from retail and, baby, people can be insensitive, and hateful, with free rein. Employees are evaluated on performance and are paid, although poorly, to put up with crap with a big shit eating smile.

I’m bingeing on TV. I watched a favorite movie “Used Cars”. I’ve done 2 loads of laundry, not in my bath tub. I have WiFi! The artificial light has improved my mood and the furnace has warmed my hands up.

Tonight I will shower and climb into a clean bed-my reward for paying this bill.

Ive had power fo 24 hours. Did some tidying in the house. I looked at my efficient coffee maker and then looked at the coffee pot on the stove. I was thinking “there’s nothing as good as camp coffee” so i made a pot. A little luxury with a little fond memories

I tent camped 21 days while looking for the house i live in. A lot of painful memories since. This cup of coffee is a reward for surviving to this point. I may box the electric pot up.

There’s the touch in the hallway or empty break room. Does he like me? Indications indicate yes. He doesn’t respond to texts. Is he in to me? Indicators indicate no. When he steals a kiss by the loading dock I swoon.

The meditation of the vacuum
Sweeping in rhythmic motion
I close my eyes and push forward
Pull back, rocking on heals
My body begins to warm, blood flowing, heart pumping

I meditate while I vacuum
Pressing toward
Drawing back
I measure in time
Sixty sweeps counted, repeated, as if I am a clock watching

Vacuum meditation forces
The control of power
The release of care
Body in motion, partnered with machine
While maintaining a state of order and aesthetics in my mind's chaos

I have been here many years. I have been lookylou, myvice, goldenhinde, diamondwillow, freehand, and palmfrond. I have written for you with much pleasure. If you have enjoyed my writing, you are welcome to my new home. I am The Croupier at all poetry.com

Now I may write of a special camel without risk of banishment

I read a comment on a blog by a certain man who doesn’t smoke and was struck by his profound thoughts. Have any of you been moved by a comment?

Ah, yes
That’s what I think when I have been enlightened
Now a curiosity stirs like a swizzle stick stirs
Am I a coffee with cream and sugar?