Daily Chuckle ... ( Archived) (3,607)

A woman in her 40's had been widowed for many years and decided to put an end to her loneliness so she placed this ad in the local newspaper ' Attractive lady mid 40's would like to meet single men with a view to building a friendship and possibly a permanent relationship. I am looking for a man who does not drink nor smoke, who does not walk around and above all he must be good in bed. If interested please apply at my apartment at the address here below. ' A few nights later while alone at home she is startled by a huge " Boom, Bang, Boom knock on her front door. She goes to her front door and opens it cautiously and gets the shock of her life; sitting there is a guy in a wheel chair who has no arms and no legs
She asks " Can I help you? Guy replies "I'm here in response to an ad that you placed in the local newspaper" She replies "I did, but I wanted a man who met certain requirements" Guy replies " Well as can see I have no arms so I can't drink or smoke and as you can see I have no legs so I can't walk around"
"Yes I see" she says " But I above all wanted a man who was good in bed" Guy replies " Well lady how do you think I just knocked on your door? "

Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for further information in Block #3 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning”, as the cause of the accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, …. I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a 6 story building. When I had completed the job. I discovered that I about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by means of the stairs,I decided it would be faster and easier to lower them down in a barrel using a pulley, which fortunately was already attached in place, on the side of the building at the 6th floor.
I secured the rope to the truck bumper, parked near where the barrel would be when lowered to the ground. I went back up to the roof swung the barrel out over the edge and proceeded to load it with bricks. I then went back down to the ground and untied the rope holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note that in block #11 of the report is states I weigh 135 pounds.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presents of mind and didn’t consider letting go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
Somewhere near the 3rd floor, I met the barrel coming down at an equally impressive rate of speed. This explains the fractured skull, broken tooth, broken collar bone, as well as other minor abrasions described in Section III of the Accident Report Form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley, which I mentioned in paragraph #2 of this correspondence.
Fortunately, by this time I regained my composure and presents of mind, I was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of the excruciating pain I was now starting to experience.
At about that same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground with such force the bottom came out releasing all of the bricks. Now devoid of the bricks the barrel, weighed approximately 30 pounds.
I refer you to block #11 once more and the fact my weight is 135. As you might imagine I began a rather rapid decent down the side of the building.
I met the barrel in the vicinity of the 3rd floor on it’s way up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, rupture, as well as the severe lacerations of my legs and lower extremities.
Here my luck started to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow my decent enough to lessen my injuries when I landed in the pile of bricks fortunately only three vertebrae were broken and two cracked. I am sorry to report however, that as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move, watching the barrel six stories above me. I again lost my composure and let go of the rope. I saw the barrel come rushing down at me. The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital.
Sincerely,
I. M. Hurt