The_Kansan Forum Posts (3,395)

An ethical question... One for everybody to answer.

After further thought - The clone has to be naked! Otherwise the joke doesn't quite work... Can I go to bed now?

An ethical question... One for everybody to answer.

Ah, dear Luis! If I knew the answer to that, little bro, do you honestly think I'd be awake at 1:45 in the morning?

Puns...

Some people love them, most people hate them, everyone groans when they hear them.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 PM One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

And last, but certainly not least:

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

An ethical question... One for everybody to answer.

In light of the news of the so called human cloning going on, we have to ask ourselves the hypothetical question:

If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be...

A) murder?

B) suicide? or

C) merely making an obscene clone fall?

The Tomato graden..

Quite well actually! Would you be a dear and hand me that "sprade?"

The Tomato graden..

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

RE: hello......

Hey! I resemble that remark!

Welcome - We're not ALL goofy! (Well ok, we're not all goofy all of the time!) So pull up a cyber stump next to the cyber fire and get ready to laugh, cry, wonder and shake your head in both amazement and disgust.

Welcome to the Asylum!

...The Kansan...

Attention single guys and other inept people!

Maybe I should have said "YOUNG single guys?"

Touche'

Attention single guys and other inept people!

Food Spoilage Tests For Dairy Products

Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.

Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.

Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.

Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.

Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

RE: age?

Hmmm... Age doesn't matter, but sometimes maturity does. And that works both ways - I've known very mature 20 year olds and very immature 40 year olds.

Make sense?

RE: The 11th Commandment.....,

Thou shalt not let your mother brush your hair when she's mad at your dad!

One more for the road!

Before I head out for the day, I thought I'd pass this one along - No pun intended!

Enjoy!

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

RE: whats the most

Uh-oh!

I can see I'm in trouble here!

It doesn't seem to me that there is any one most important thing - Communication, honesty, committment, trust, faith, love, laughter, HER, tears, companionship, ME, fidelity, willingness to work through hard times... ad infinitum, ad nauseum!

Seems to me like you just can't have a relationship without ALL of those things there and in place. That's why so many relationships fail - And damned if that isn't why we're all here, asking questions like this one in the first place...

RE: Show me your...........

I'd show her how to be caught gracefully and with style and panache...

An almost serious question re: Einstein and the speed of light!

All the talk about Einstein, plus the fact that I'm a truckdriver has got me to wondering about something:

If you were in a vehicle, traveling at the speed of light, and you turned your lights on... Would they do anything?

Birds and bees

Oddy enough, I was reminded of this by another thread! Damn, but it feels good to be back!!!!



A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.

"If you're going to tell me that grown ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

RE: I Got 18....How about you?

24 correct - For some reason, I was thinking that there were 24 matches to a book. DAMN!

RE: Congratulations....

Atta boy! I am in awe of you Sir!

RE: Show me your...........

Gee - I dunno... I guess I could show her how to start a fire with out using matches, lighter or torch - Either by percussion (flint and steel) or friction (bow drill) or compression (fire piston.) Maybe not all that useful to know in the 21st century, but still kinda' neat to know how to do...

RE: Alone vs Lonelyness

One of the most remarkable things about our language is that it gives us two words to describe being alone:

We have the word "lonely" to descrbe the tragedy of being alone... And we have the word "solitude"to describe the glory of being alone.

Most of my time is spent alone and, fortunately, most of that time is spent in solitude. By the same token, I've noticed in the past year or so, I've been more and more lonely and less comforted with solitude and the past 5 days have been one miserable S.O.B.!

BUT - I have faith that I'll get back on track and will again find solitude and solace in lonely places...

RE: Burning Bridges....

It seems, sometimes, that as a neccessity some bridges have to be burned. That is, sometimes we have to turn and walk away and not look back... Sometimes, it is true that you "can't go home again." And sometimes it needs to be. When it comes to lifes' lessons, learning is like paddling upstream: The moment you stop, you start sliding back.

That being said, I also believe it is true that - The most difficult lesson to learn is: Which bridges to in life to use and which ones to burn.

And, as AB so aptly put it, some friends have wings and merely fly to a safe location until we are done being pyro's.

There are ruined bridges in my past that perhaps should not have been, but my true friends understand the reasons. There are others which should have been burned, but I lacked the strength to strike a match at the proper time and so lost the opportunity. And again, my true friends understood...

RE: Tomorrow...

Thoughts and prayers, dear lady, many times over!




...Don...

RE: Who wants a phone call ?

I think you already have my number, Leo - And I'd be honored to speak with you, however briefly...

Take care friend!

...Don...

RE: Add your love to the list.

Don't reckon I can add it if they both already know it's there, can I?

RE: Be thankful.

Not to continue bemoaning my family's recent loss, but it seems that out of all the members of this site - I probably have the least to be thankful for right about now.

Having said that, I cannot bring myself to believe that there is anyone here who will give thanks more fervently today than I.

- From the best friend who is ready to kick my butt at a moments notice should my own personal pity party get out of hand, to the extended family here on CS as well as my own family... And fond memories of an amazing old battleaxe whom I dearly miss... I am indeed blessed. And I have a tremendous amount to be thankful for!

God bless you all...


...Don...

RE: What is your favorite love song ?

Just as Long as I Have You - Don Williams

And this is why:

Well, I love to wander ... On a sandy shore
And I love to wander ...
Down the streets of towns I’ve never been before
Take me somewhere out of reach,
Lie in unfamiliar sheets and hear the ocean roar.
Ask for more I could not do, just as long as you’re there too

Just as long as I have you, I’ll go anywhere
Just as long as you’re there too, I don’t really care.
I’ll go anywhere you are, cause with you's where I belong

I’ve just got to have you, to make my life complete
I’ve just got to have you, there to be a part of everything I see
In the windows I walk past, in the mirror in the morning, in my photographs
In the candlelite cafes, let me always see your face...

And oh, it really doesn’t matter just where the road leads;
To the top of a mountain or down to the sea...

Just as long as I have you, I’ll go anywhere
Just as long as you’re there too, I don’t really care
I’ll go anywhere you are, cause with you's where I belong...

Just as long as I have you....

RE: something to think about

I've told many that it will never get any better, but it will get easier and that's what I'm shooting for... I will laugh with family today, in the process of remembering Mom and I will feel guilty for laughing and I will cry a little and then I will laugh some more. And tonight, when I am alone, I will cry again.

But tomorrow when I give my mother's eulogy, I will not cry. I will stand tall and proud and dedicated and honored for being her son and I will remain clear eyed and those in the Chapel will cry... And then they will laugh, because I will share a few fantastically funny stories about an amazing woman. And it will become easier...

RE: something to think about

Hmmm...

Someone once told me - "Don't cry because it's over, laugh because it happened!"

That one phrase, more than any other has been going through my mind the past couple of days..... And it has kept me going. Through the tears, through the heart ache... And through the pain of loss, I have thought of my mother and smiled because I knew her while I did...

I am so much more fortunate than so many others! Thanks Mom! I miss you! Tell Dad I said, "Howdy!"

RE: complicating the uncomplicated

Yes! And he could use the millions to write more books and make more millions and write more books and make more millions and write more books and... Aw crap! This is getting complicated! Or at least redundant!

RE: A Dear Friend of ours Needs your Thoughts and Prayers

JJ, you are an earthbound Angel - I knew there was a reason we had crossed paths again, I just didn't know what it was for sure.

I got a note from the other "flowers" and she is on her way - It will be nice to see her again...

Things are getting on even keel here and starting to settle down and we are starting to "numb out" a little.

Thanks again my friends...

I love you all!

JJ, thank you - You're the greatest!




...Don...