How to Get Respect from Your Teenager

Are you tearing your hair out over your disrespectful teenager? Many parents struggle to connect with their children once they reach their teenage years. At best, this can cause frustration; at worst, violent arguments. Don't despair, follow the below advice to learn how to get respect from your teenager by fostering a culture of mutual respect, and set your family back on track.

The importance of understanding

Firstly it is important to understand why a teenager may be acting out. Try and think back to your teenage years – how did you feel? Hormones raged, no one listened to you, and you had little say in the direction of your own life. Added to all this, today's average teenager often has a more complicated existence than their parents did at the same age, with increased pressure from the media and peers to look and be a certain way. Possibly your son or daughter is experiencing peer-pressure to get involved in sex and drugs, and the internet and mobile phones have opened up new opportunities for bullies. On top of this, pressure from parents and teachers to perform well at school can cause the same kind of stress that adults experience at work. Unlike adults however, teens may not yet have evolved all the necessary coping mechanisms to deal with this stress. Give some respect to your teenager simply for still getting out of bed in the morning and going to school!

Understanding, however, must come from both sides. If you've ever come home from a bad day at work and taken it out on your teenager, they are unlikely to have fully understood why you were upset. Adults can often recognise when they are being 'vented' at, but your teen may well just assume they are being shouted at for little reason. By no means dump all your problems on your teenager or cry on their shoulder, but a simple explanation of why your mood is not great will help them understand you better. You might find them surprisingly sympathetic.

Make sure that you actively listen to your teenager if they decide they want to talk; you should seize upon any opportunity to discover more about them. By actively listening, offering advice and avoiding being judgemental, your teen is far more likely to open up to you.

The importance of trust

Establishing an atmosphere of two-way communication may open up your son or daughter to reveal a little about what goes on in their lives. If they still maintain radio silence, don't worry. This is completely normal, and it doesn't necessarily mean they are out taking drugs, having sex and committing robberies! They may just want to maintain some privacy, or feel like you will judge them. In this respect, you must force yourself to trust that your teen is making the right decisions in aspects of their lives over which you have no control.

Achieving mutual trust goes hand-in-hand with mutual respect. It can be tempting to lay down very heavy ground rules regarding curfews, homework and social life. But isolating your son or daughter from their friends or setting them unattainable rules will only alienate them further from your life. Conversely, don't go completely the other way and allow your teen to run wild. They will grow up feeling like there is a lack of support and structure in their lives, and perhaps even that you don't care.

It is therefore important to strike a balance. If you know the parents of your teen's friends, find out from them what kind of rules they set. Sit down with your teenager and make sure that they understand what rules you would like them to try and follow, and your reasoning behind it. Get them involved in making the rules and they will feel less inclined to break them. Perhaps they can even give you some rules to follow!

The importance of praise

Trust can be gained by good behaviour, and if your son or daughter consistently follows the rules or brings in particularly good reports from school, consider rewarding them with an extention of curfew or giving them extra privileges.

It is very easy to focus on the negative behaviour of your teenager, but this can often lead to their positive behaviour going completely unnoticed. Remind yourself to pay attention to the achievements of your teen – even if they don't show it, they will be proud of their success and pleased to get complimented.

Very few parent-teenager relationships are perfectly harmonic, but by fostering an atmosphere of understanding, trust and respect, you stand a good chance of creating a strong and lasting relationship with your teenager.