The Reckless Games Men and Women Play

Granted. Men and women do some really stupid things. We can really mess up good relationships. Well I took some time to brainstorm some answers... maybe you can even call them warnings. Folks, this isn't rocket science. I think deep down we all know what we all must do to ease tensions between the sexes. It's a matter of dedicating ourselves to doing those things. That takes a sincere desire to not see our counterparts hurt or devalued. There's no reason we can't all live together and have what we want. But it takes work. Of course this only applies to people who have at least the minimum required amount of integrity. There's always going to be those that just don't give a hoot about other people.

Men

1. As I have always said, I believe the biggest area where men can improve is honesty; not just honesty with women, but honesty with themselves, as well. You can't tell the truth if you don't know the truth. You can't know the truth if your ego rules everything you do. Start out by knowing exactly what kind of man you are and where you are in your life. Take a moment to assess what you want in terms of relationships and be mindful enough to state it clearly to women. Even if you don't get the response you want, it will never be able to be said that you lied. You can at least be assured that you did your part. And there will always be another woman who is down for what you want. You might just have to keep looking.
2. Resist the urge to pursue a woman that presents a challenge unless you really are ready to consider a relationship. This isn't a game or a sport that you get goody points for. I know men who pick and pick at women who have clearly stated they have been hurt and have no intentions of letting down their guard. It then becomes this big challenge to get her to do just that. Then once he's broken her down, he's done. I can't even begin to tell you the resentment this builds up. It does nothing for the overall relations between men and women. It makes us not trust you or anyone else...ever.
3. Stop being so afraid of a woman's emotions! Gee whiz. God gave 'em to us so they can't be all that bad, can they? You are not going to die if a woman doesn't agree with you or calls you a dirty so and so, for not wanting what she wants. You are not going to disintegrate into thin air if she starts to cry in front of you. Her passionate pleas for you to listen is just her need to be heard and acknowledged. Women cry. It's what we do and we 'ain't gonna stop no time soon'. So get over it.
4. Don't just walk away. This is the most damaging and disrespectful thing a man can do. If you are no longer interested, do her the courtesy of telling her so. You don't have to go into excruciating detail or lie, but there is nothing worse for a person's self esteem than knowing someone they really, really liked had so little respect for them, that they just stop calling. This applies especially if you've been dating someone for more than a month, or worse yet sleeping with her. It's so incredibly rude and disrespectful. Nine times out of ten, if you just tell her that you don't think it's going to work between the two of you, she may follow with a few questions about why, but if you are sincere and not accusing her of anything, she'll get the hint and leave you alone. And the best part is you don't have to feel bad about anything, because you did the right thing. In addition to this, don't do the gradual back up. It's humiliating. You are not doing me any favors by gradually decreasing your interaction with me, or making commitments and breaking them. Because as long as you interact with me, I still have hope. Just break it off cold turkey. No need to "let me down easy." Remember, women are just ticked off...not fragile.
5. Communicate. I know it takes the fun and excitement out of things, but what's more important? Really. Maybe you're afraid that if the word gets out to your boys that you're really a communicator, they'll give you a hard time. No one has to know. You can still keep your macho image AND be a man that communicates.
6. Be a man of your word. Don't lie. Trust can't be built if you're wishy-washy and unreliable. It doesn't just affect you. It affects every man that comes behind you. Lying is hard for women to forgive. We may tell you we've forgiven you, but the truth of the matter is that we never forget even the tiniest lie. We may lay down with you, but we are not going to forget the time you lied. If you say you're going to do something, then do it. If you have no intentions of doing something, then don't say you will just to make yourself look good. If you want to look good, go buy a new suit. Do not lie. So make it easier for the brothas that really are interested in settling down, by protecting a woman's ability to trust.

Women

1. Understand that men don't always put the same value on sex that we do. It's just one of those anomalies of nature that we just have to get used to. It's been that way since the beginning of time and it'll never change. Yes, there are some men who may need a committed relationship to have sex, but that doesn't mean they won't have uncommitted sex. Men want to have sex. Men like to have sex. Men need to have sex. Period. If they're in a relationship and they like having sex with you, then great. If not, guess what...they are still going to find someone to have sex with. I would like to think that there are more men out there that practice celibacy in between relationships. But the real truth is that we'll never really know. Where does that leave us? Well...the best thing we can do is to try and increase our chances of finding a man that will want to be in a committed, monogamous relationship with us. That's where the 90-day rule comes in, but for some, it could take much longer than 90 days. Really, we should all be striving to abstain from sex until we know that we are truly committed. Reality...that just doesn't happen very much these days. Many women aren't good at this. The key is to not get emotionally attached to a man before it's time.
2. Think before you speak. Oh ladies, I am sooooo bad at this. I say stuff. Hurtful stuff. And then I want to take it back. But I can't take it back. And the person I said it to is now looking at me like I'm crazy. It doesn't matter that he hurt me. It doesn't matter that he was wrong. If I lose control, he will remember it and secretly use it against me later. Men know that we are emotional, but they just can't handle our emotional outburts. It makes them feel helpless. And if you begin to spew out hateful things, then it just boosts the case that they've already been building to leave you. Unfair, yes. But that's just the way it is. Rarely will a man think to himself, "I deserve this tongue lashing she's giving me." He may sit there and take it, but he won't forget it. I'm a writer, so I use the gift that God gave me to help curb my tongue. I write down all my crazy feelings. I may discuss them with a close friend. But I try not to say a word to him until I'm ready to be rational and concise. I want to make sure that what I say is a true reflection of how I feel, and that I won't regret anything I've said afterwards. It doesn't always work, though. This is so hard because hurt and anger can totally minimize any ability you have to be rational. But in the end, he might not like what you've said but he won't be able to call you psycho.
3. Draw your line and stick to it. Nothing causes you to lose credibility with a man more than drawing a line in the sand and constantly backing away from it. Empty threats rarely yield any positive results. If you have gotten to the point where you're ready to leave, then leave. If you are giving him a time by which he needs to commit, and you keep pushing that time back, then you've taught him that he can string you along for as long as he wants. If there is a behavior that you want him to stop, that behavior won't stop if there are no consequences. If you keep nagging about the same thing over and over again, you'll just begin to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher after a while. He won't hear a word you say.
4. Communication: Timing and length is key. There are times when you really shouldn't try to have a conversation with a man. When he's watching sports is one of them. Try to engage him in determining when the best time is to discuss an issue. Let him tell you when he will be willing to talk. If he's not willing, then that's a clue. Pick it up. Also, long, drawn out conversations, letters and emails just don't do the trick. His attention span is not that great. If you notice, men speak and write in short, sometimes broken sentences. They like to transpose "u" for "you" and "r" for "are". Keep it short and meaningful. You may want to practice on a friend before you actually engage in a conversation with your man about an issue. It could make all the difference in the world.
5. Sistahs, we gotta start backing each other up. There's a saying that a man wouldn't cheat if he didn't have anyone to cheat with. Well I know that concept is pretty grandiose, but we have to each start holding ourselves accountable for our own actions. Don't be the woman a man cheats with. I know....we all have feelings and needs and sometimes this one man just comes and sweeps us off our feet and next thing we know we end up in bed. If you know he's in a relationship, leave him alone. I think the social environment has caused some otherwise good women to mutate like the Ebola virus. They start out with good intentions and hope, and end up adapting to the game. They pounce on any man they can find, whether he's single or not. They look for the "stuff". Any man with a nice car, a big wad of cash, and plenty of bling can get some. Sometimes I think we lose site of what's really important in regards to relationships, so we settle for whatever we can get. The game is vicious. But it really doesn't have to be that way.
6. Get a clue. A former writer for the hit series Sex In The City wrote a hugely successful book, "He's Just Not That In To You." From what I'm learning, there could be a plethora of reasons a man comes on strong, and then backs away. It could be fear of commitment or fear of getting hurt. It could be that he's focusing on his career or that other woman he has waiting for him at home. He could be just an out and out dog! Regardless of what it is, he is no longer interested. And as hurtful as that is, it doesn't change unless he wants it to change. Let it go. Let him go. When you get that first signal that he's drifting off into parts unknown, make your graceful exit. Salvage what's left of your ego and move on to the next brotha. I know this is easier said than done.
7. Have some respect for yourself. It begins at home. If you don't love yourself, then why should he? Be someone that you can be proud of, and he will be proud of you, too.