I Finally Figured it Out

With the help of Karel Capek, one of the best writers of the 20th century:


These Times
Peace
We don't want war. Punitive action against anyone weaker will do.
No War
Proof that we really don't want war: we fight without a formal declaration.
International Tragedies
. . . yes, certainly; but with whom we wage war is our own internal affair.
News
We have introduced two new divisions with tanks and aircraft into the attack.
The enemy is fleeing due to heavy losses. Peace continues undisturbed.
Diplomatic Note
To show that we are a peace-loving people, we are willing to accept the enemy's
unconditional surrender.
Protest
We call the attention of the civilized world to our barbaric enemies who, instead
of accepting our terms, go or, _allowing our aircraft to slaughter their women and
children.
News
Our aircraft have bombed the enemy forces with resounding success. ,One
soldier, seventeen women and one hundred children were killed.
Proof
As proof of our efforts to reach an agreement with our neighboring state, we
have begun the bombardment of their open cities.
News
The enemy treacherously attempted to shoot down our airplanes while we were
peacefully dropping bombs on their city.
Good Will
We are willing to submit our conflict to an international conference - with the provision,
of course, that it decides in our favor.
Progress of Civilization
Shooting is more effective now, but at least it is no longer called war.
Two Tigers in a Jungle
We met in the interest of peace. We agreed to hunt together in the future.
Maxim
As long as the wiser man yields, the shrewder man will keep on fighting.
Wolf and Goat
We've reached a trade agreement: I won't eat your grass, and you in return will furnish me with
goat meat.
Fox
Don't believe cackling hens. When I'm sated, invariably there is peace in the hen-house.
Gangster
If you were to defend yourself, sir, I would be forced to consider it an unfriendly gesture.
Wolf
I'm full. Higher morality has triumphed once again.
Robber
He attacked me, and I was only protecting my interest in his wallet.
Trail
Three hundred arrested? And what shall we have them confess to?
Forty-five Executed
By their own admission they tried to steal the moon.
Death
See now? This kind of peace isn't so bad!