Forgive and forget ....should we ?
40 years ago i was 9 years old, a young lad full of life, but from the age of 9 I saw my mum and dad fight quite often over a period of 10 years. Those fights were because my dad was having affairs and when mum would confront him he would beat her, and on one occasion I watched him floor her and kick her in the stomach breaking 3 of her ribs.Those visions have stayed with me but I tried to bury them,and though I had. One women in particular that my dad had an affair with for 10 years, he ended up marrying. This women would call our house 3 times a day for 7 years, we changed our number but she always found it. She even spoke to me one day and said she was my dads wife, I was 10. She even told my mum she was having his baby. My mum stuck it out until the last son left home, me, at 21. She then threw dad out and after 2 years he married this evil woman who made my childhood hell, as well as my mums.
My dad told me he was leaving, I looked at him and said good, that was in 1981..I never saw him again. He died of cancer and on his last dieing day he called out my name many times, but I was no wear to be seen.
From what I hear from my brothers his 2nd wife wanted him stuffed because she could not bare to be without him, yes a nutty women. My dad died in 1995 and that was a relief for me and it was time to forget. My mum had endured hell, yet she never complained, she was the best mother anyone could wish for. She died of cancer 5 years ago, and i remember vividly one day walking into her house, she was staring out the window, knowing she had weeks to live, she was looking back at her life, as she turned to met I knew what was going through her mind.
I will never forgive my dad or that women for why they put us through.
This morning i had a friend request on Facebook from someone called Paul Shamu.so i was curious and accepted...iI was in shock when I saw who it was..it was this women who had made my life a misery...she had remarried but she had posted photos of my dad and her on holiday in the 80's..when he was still with mum..perosnal photos of my dads brothers.. so many things.
I could not believe my eyes..and why was she doing this..40 yrs later...I used Facebook to vent what had been boiling all those years on her FB page..she denied everything..her response was..it takes two.
What and why did she do this, she was not content in making my life a misery in my youth..to now rub it in 40 years later...
should I forgive ?
Comments (34)
Ian, I'm not the best person to give any advice but I can actually feel your pain, really
I've come to terms with many things in my life, no matter how bad they are coz I personally believe in Karma. It makes it easier for me when I start to have all the 'Why me??'s.
I hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive them, one day. Just for your own peace of mind...
I'm sorry that happened to you
But I just wanted Ian to Know that hes not alone
A lot of Us Carry our Crosses
And it stays there inside of you forever and can never leave
But Ian Proved something in his Life to all of Us
And that is ..through all that hes been through..he has still risin above it ll and seems to be a better succes that I can ever be........(Way to Go Ian)..............
Ian I have a former sister in law who has always tried to make my life a living h--- and even though I haven't had anything to do with her in over 8 years she's still trying to destroy the relationship I have with my son.I don't hate her I feel sorry for the kind of miserable woman that she chooses to be.
I've forgiven her for my sake but not hers.Why should I allow someone such as her live in my mind rent free.
Also, you're a good dad to your own son, no?
You could've been just exactly like your dad but you choose not to and that to me, it's a great achievement already
Good for you to be able to let go and moved on
When you are haunted by something that happened in your past, whether someone wronged you forgiveness is what you do for yourself, not for other people. When you forgive, it doesn't mean that you approve of what's happened. Rather, it means that you're giving yourself permission to move on with your life.
Forgiveness is a choice. Don't wait for it to just wash over you all of a sudden. You have to choose it.
Don't give your power away. The pain of what happened is inevitable, but continuing to suffer is optional. The only person you can control is you. By constantly reliving the pain of what happened, you are giving your power away to the person who wronged you.
Don't cling to negative feelings. Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you.
People who make you angry, "CONTROL YOU"
If you can't do it for yourself Ian, do it for your dear Mother, your Mother would want you to be happy, not a to dwell on the past, these "Sociopathic" woman who destroy live's have not one ounce of empathy for anyone, all they care about are themselves.
For me its easy to forgive but very difficult to forget...
No one can tell you what to do it has to be your decision ..whatever you decide is the right decision
5 years this month my mum died...still I have no photos of her..I simply can't look at them ..I just cry..when I lay in bed this morning looking at this fraud fb account...the amount of emotions flowed from anger to sobbing my heart out..for mum.
But I am better person now . I now want to build up a relationship to my next partner, totally opposite to what my dad gave my mum...I have a lot to give I know...some where, some one is going to get lucky
I have not been on this site very long, but to me I always saw the big hearted loving side to you, and I guessed you were hurting too. What a fantasic comment from Nam.
You are a very handsome young man and some lady is going to get lucky one day. At least you have good friends here, good friends love you warts an all.
I read your blog and your response to our friends comments here, I am so sorry to what happened to you in the past.
Really hope that you will have much better life than your mom and dad.
Should you forgive her? Forgive her doesn't mean that you have to be friend and forget all the past as it will always in your memory.
Forgive her just to make you peace... Feeling that you have no hate anymore... As it will never bring back your past to be repaired.
More or less I understand who you are, the shape of your character was built by your past.
But you are Strong person that I know....
It can end here because you know what they did was not good.
Every person is a product of his environment ...your parents too.
You can make something good of this bad experience , take charge of the lesson to be learnt here and make the change in your own life.
It is important to forgive Ian , so you can become content and at peace with yourself.
I do not know how this whole universe works...but, I am a believer that things happen for a reason.
As far as the lady who is still living, maybe the weight of her guilt is her punishment? In a way, it would make sense to me. Why else would she try and reach out to you on Facebook?....other than possibly make amends with you?
Not sure....but my 2 pennies
As far as your blog title....forgive and forget?
I think you should let her know if you forgive her if you want to remove some of the weight of the guilt from her shoulders....in essence, reducing her mental suffering.
Again....my 2 pennies.
I am so sorry to hear what people had to endure. Family should be a haven and a childhood carefree.
and realize everyone makes mistakes, I made my share.
Better do what will make you in peace.
But I agree with Ccincy,
Forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was OK, and it doesn’t mean that person should still be welcome in your life. Forgiveness just means that you've made peace with the pain, and you are ready to let it go.
My eldest who is also my boss, we are so close because of our past, he helped me though many things of which I acutally owe him my life. There are many things I could tell you which as a kid haunted me.
I'm free if nothing reminds me of it, and nothing did until yesterday, I will never forgive my father or her, as she was a party to it, but i do know this women loved him so much.
But i wonder what she had that my mum did not have in truck loads, not enough it seemed for my dad to leave mum, but for mum to tell him that, our last son has flown the nest. Now its time for you to leave.
I know I will never forgive this women, ever. But i wont let it ruin my life, as im really starting to enjoy it now, this expereince working here, being with my brother and friends has made me realise Im going to make the most of it.
You know im not religious, but if there is life after death I so hope my mum is waiting at the gate when this women arrives.
Believe me I did let her know on her facebook page for all to see, all my family read the posts and could not believe it.
Can you imagine she was remarried but made a facebook page he didnt know, posting photos of my dad and her, saying he was the love of her life to her friends on FB, and this 3 rd husband of her's has no idea. Deceitful to the end.
Her FB has now been deleted, I'm so glad I got my message to her publicy and hopefuly humiliated her, it sounds cruel but what she did for 10 years, and the years after that my mum suffered, was at least some pay back.
She was left with very little, my oldest brother brought her a house, we all chipped in to make it her home, it was her little castle, she remanined there till the day she died, the house is still Keiths. I found it so difficult when she passed that I lived there for 2 months, slept in her bed and smelt her everywhere.
That gave me some peace, it was very diffucult to close that door for the last time. Its now rented out to a single mum.
Peace all
It might help if you recognise that we are mostly selfish beings and will mostly do what is more convenient for ourselves most of the time.
Try to see the situation with eyes wide open , and as an adult. Your childhood may have been messed up, but its up to you to live differenty as an adult.
Good luck dear man.
Wow Ian, I was surprised that you did something as cruel as that!
BUT Ian..
Did it make your inner really in peace?
I don't think I will do such thing to someone even if that person hurt me badly. Or maybe because I have never been really hurt by any one.. or maybe because I have never let my feeling be hurt by anyone. I don't know. But I know one thing for sure. If I did what you did to her, I would definitely regret it like hell. I will never find peace until I apoligize and hear that my apology is accepted.
Look Ian, I don't know you at all except the things I know from what I read on blogs. But please Ian, just let it go.. don't let your "anger" consume your inner beauty..!