Getting Old

You'll all love this!

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#1
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!
#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"
#3
>>> Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
>>> "And what do you think is the best thing
>>> about being 104?" the reporter asked.
>>> She replied, "No peer pressure."
#4
>>> I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
>>> I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
>>> new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes


>>> I'm half blind,
>>> can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
>>> take 40 different medications that
>>> make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
>>> Have bouts with dementia.
>>> Have poor circulation;
>>> hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
>>> Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
>>> Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
>>> I still have my driver's license.
#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
>>> so I got my doctor's permission to
>>> join a fitness club and start exercising.
>>> I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
>>> I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
>>> by the time I got my leotards on,
>>> the class was over.
#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
>>> First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
>>> she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
>>> "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
>>> "Why Wal-Mart?"
>>> "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
#7
>>> My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
>>> Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
#8
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
#9
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
#10
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
#11 THE SENILITY PRAYER :
>>> Grant me the senility to forget the people
>>> I never liked anyway,
>>> the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
>>> the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!







--
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
Will Rogers