Newest Comedy Blogs (1,864)

The following were the joke answers given by comedians, before attempting the correct answer;

Question = If you want to be liked by your boss, where should you sit, relative to your boss ?

Joke Answer by Whitney Cummings = "On his lap."

Question = True or false, the number one most popular drug being smuggled into jails last year was Viagra ?

Joke Answer by Byron Allen = "Oh man ! That's truly doing hard time."

Question = True or false, when conversing with someone you like, you generally blink more often ?

Joke Answer by John Lovitz = "Yeah, but that's due to the pepper spray."

The first apple.(this..A. Red head)
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
( redhead would be able to think that
fast!!!! Brilliant …..)

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette"
"Ten years," replies the Scotsman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs,
"Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!

Golf is always a man’s first love.

How To Shower Like a Man
Turn on immersion heater and wait hours for water to reheat after wife's shower.
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and throw them on bedroom floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo.....perfumed one
Fart again.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of enclosure or door not closed properly the whole time.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on..
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.............

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen politician lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of a. country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said:
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

(Ronald Reagan was the best governor California ever had, and a great President....) (USA)

An old wolf.
So an older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend .
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only ££40,000", the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had"
(Typical guy
Dumb girl)

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start
talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says
to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll
just be one night of fun."
The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom.
She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating
room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have
intercourse for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did
you know.." The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anaesthesiologist aren't you"
"Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know"
"Because I didn't feel a thing."............

His ego just went south....

A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.

So a couple had been married for only two weeks when the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go into town, tease the barmaids and party with his old buddies.
And so he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going coochy cooh..." asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." He said.
The wife said to him, "you want a beer my love..See."
Then she opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer- brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
Not knowing what to do, the husband thought of something different and said to the wife, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar.... you know... the frozen glass..."
He didn't even get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupted him saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face"
She took out a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills just by holding it.
The husband was frustrated but luckily he thought of a winner excuse, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK"
"You want hors d'oeuvres poochy pooh"
Again, she opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."
The wife smiled and said, "you want some dirty words cutie pie..here, SIT THE F*%K DOWN - DRINK YOUR F%KIN' BEER IN YOUR FROZEN F*%KIN' MUG - EAT YOUR F*%KIN' SNACKS! YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE F*%KIN' BAR !!! GOT IT,
A**HOLE !".
(Sit your butt down cause she the boss now.)

At a girl’s college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.
“I want to surprise her. You see, I’m her brother.”
“Oh, she’ll be surprised all right,” said the woman. “But think of how surprised I am! I’m her mother!”

He was busted