Newest Comedy Blogs (1,864)

I had a date last night, it was great, tomorrow I'll try a grape.

NEW BRITAIN, PA — Local parents Tim and Julia Yoder were understandably upset when their 17-year-old daughter Carlie came home drunk last weekend. However, their anger quickly turned to relief upon learning that Carlie had not, in fact, been consuming Bud Light.

"I mean, we were certainly disappointed that she was drinking while underage," her father Tim noted. "But at the same time, we're glad that she was responsible enough to choose a less-woke brand of alcohol."

Carlie's mother Julia said they tried hard to raise their daughter right and instill her with strong values. "I'm not proud of this, but both Carlie's father and I experimented with Bud Light when we were younger," Julia said. "I'm very proud that we raised our daughter to make better life choices and avoid some of the mistakes we made in the past."

For her part, Carlie said the temptation to drink woke beer was definitely there. "Some of the kids had Bud Light at the party. Someone even brought some of those commemorative Dylan Mulvaney cans," she said. "But I knew deep down that was wrong, so I just pounded a 12-pack of Yuengling and called it a night."

At publishing time, the Yoders announced they would be surprising young Carlie with a new car as a gift for her responsible behavior. "We really couldn't be more proud of her," his mother said. "She's a really good kid."

New news about the 'Merchant of Death' arms dealer Viktor Bout who was recently traded with Russia for the release of Brittney Griner. It's reported he sent a telegram to Donald Trump asking him to flee to Russia to escape the charges in New York that his 'life is in peril'
In Russia, he could find safe haven and rebel against globalists.

Blog tagged comedy/humor as it's the funniest thing I've heard all week!

Just to think, Trump could board his private jet in New York with a flight path to Palm Beach, Florida and 'suddenly' make a left turn and head across Europe to Moscow!








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You got to watch out for the pieces of road in the potholes

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and
said, "You're kinda cute.
You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're seventy-three...............who cares?
**************************************
I went to the drugstore and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you're seventy-three.............who cares?
**************************************

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're seventy-three..............who cares?
**************************************

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you're seventy-three..............who cares?
**************************************

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you're seventy three...............who cares?
**************************************

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

When you're seventy-three..............who cares?
**************************************

My neighbor came over banging and screaming at my door at 3 am this morning. Can you believe the nerve.

Fortunately for him I was still up playing my drums

Me and the wife, we got such cute pet names for each other. She is my honey bunches and I am her fking a**hole

Hope no one pranks you too badly

Monkeys relax, eat, play, sleep and have sex like crazy ...
I was wondering ... why the hell did we evolve ?!

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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

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A man goes to bed one night and falls asleep. The next thing he knows, he is standing at the gates of heaven with St. Peter. He says "where am I?" St Peter replies "you died and you are at the gates of heaven. The man replied "omg no, I can't be dead, I got so much left to do. Can you please send me back to finish my life's work. St. Peter says "I can send you back but there is a catch, you must be sent back as a chicken. The man says "well, I'll find a way to get things done even as a chicken" so he agrees.

Next thing the man knows, he is in a farmers field as a chicken. The man thinks "well this isn't quite as bad as I thought it would be" so he mingles with the other chickens. After a while, he feels that strange feeling in his stomach, he asks the other chickens what was going on. They explained to him that he is ready to lay a egg so they tell him to just gently push and it will come out so the man pushes and sure enough, he lays an egg. The man feels another strange feeling so he pushes again to lay the second egg when all of a sudden he is slapped in the face by his wife who says "wake up you god damn old fool, your shitting in the bed!"

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A man got stranded on a island in the middle of the ocean one day and all he had with him was a dog and a sheep that also got stranded with him. He decided not to eat them and have them as pets as he was going to be alone for a long time. After some time past, the sheep started to look more and more attractive to him but every time he tried the sheep, the dog would growl and get between them. This went on for some time.

This one day, he spots something on the horizon coming his way, as it got closer, he could see that it was a woman hanging on to a piece of wood and coming right for the island. When she washed onshore, he ran to her with a home made towel and some food. After she dried off and got something to eat, she said "thank you so much, how can I ever repay you looking at him seductively?"

He replied, "would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

I said to the wife "well if I'm so bald, how do you explain that long dark curly hair?"

She replied "your a** don't count"