Newest Comedy Blogs (1,864)

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.
So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”









It's easier to fool some people than to convince them that THEY have been fooled.

You can tune a piano, but you can't tune a fish.

Copied from another page (goes to show that translation is not easy ?? ):
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English……….
Getting There: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall.
He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The hotel: This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please
note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant: Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room: Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above all: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle depart.

My contribution to the lexicon is...... HiBrrrNation

It shall be defined as sitting in front of a window (or Windows) and waving to neighbors while refusing to go outside until spring arrives.

.... come to New Jersey today or tomorrow and you'll get it good.

We have a surplus of inches.

We already have about 11 inches of snow and it isn't stopping anytime soon.
It's predicted to keep snowing about another 24 hours.

So, if you like getting pounded deep with stamina, this is now the place to be.

For those who can't travel, for the right price I can ship you some of this fine bumper crop of snow.
If you snort this stuff, I promise some awesome brain freeze.

A serious blog today. I don't know who Pete is and I'm guessing his real name is Peter. People have been saying 'For Pete's Sake' easily 4 generations now. That would make Pete more than 100 years old.
Pete gets mentioned in lots of conversations and I'm thinking Pete must have been famous (royalty or something) and possibly had some health or personality issues where people were always concerned about his well being.

There are so many situations where Pete comes into a situation:

"Oh... for Pete's sake, get off the phone!"
"For Pete's sake, would it be asking too much to put the toilet seat down?"
"Didn't your mother teach you how to dress? For Pete's sake, it's a formal affair. Black socks and sandals aren't acceptable."


I could go on, but for Pete's sake there are more important things to do today!