Awww, don't feel too bad, Judy - Folks say that I've been off for years!
You go ahead and do what needs to be done, we'll still be here when you get back! (We may not make any more sense than we did before, but the great thing about non-sense is that you can just jump in anywhere and it still makes as much sense as it did before! )
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?"
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."
1) Some folks really CAN'T spell, but they're good folks, so we over look it. Others CAN spell, but don't type very well - but they're good folks, so we over look it. Some aren't all that fluent in English - But they're good folks, so we over look it. Some can spell but don't give a darn. (We try to ignore them!) A few just get so involved with their response that they forget to proof-read. And still others don't even seem to be able to spell PROOF-READ, let alone grasp the concept of it. (But they're good folks, so we try to over look it.)
2) I can't speak to #2, as I've never paid much attention to what other guys are looking for - I've always been more concerned with what 'I' was looking for. (Thanks to Connecting Singles, I found her!)
You think partying is sort've a career of it's own...
If you've ever been too drunk to fish or too hung-over to drive back home when you were done fishing...
If, while in Vegas, you ever put a buck-fifty into a soft drink machine, punched the button and, whe the soft drink appeared, yelled, "I WON! I WON! I FIN'LY FREAKIN' WON!"
Her eyes. Unless she's facing away from me, then it's usually the way she carries herself. Please keep in mind that I got married recently (met her here on CS, in fact) and I no longer notice women - Although I do still notice people!
After noticing several threads on this subject in the past, I thought I'd do a little research myself and discover the answers to this in the interest of helping others find their future mates here. I offer this completely non-gratis, but you may thank me later...
...The Kansan...
What women want in a man at age 22:
1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What women want in a man at age 32:
1. Nice looking (preferably with hair) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What women want in a man at age 42:
1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends
What women want in a man at age 52:
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends
What women want in a man at age 62:
1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend
My new wife has a problem with semantics. For instance, she says things like "appears to be accident prone" when what she SHOULD say is "he's the King of all klutzes and can't even fart without ripping his knickers!"
Also, when I'm in the basement and trip over some huge obstacle (like a paint chip or a cat hair) I find that the resulting noise from all the bubble wrap popping makes the neighbors think that it's the Chinese New Year and I have had to drink 57 toasts just in the past week. Any suggestions?
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.
This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"
I honestly hope no one is offended by this - It's all in fun!
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
The other day I read a news report stating that about two-thirds of the US adult population ages 20 and older are considered overweight, that’s down right scary. With all these fat people running around (well they’re probably not running, I usually see ’em riding those little motorized scooters around Wal-Mart), I've put together a short Diet FAQ to help you make more smarter decisions.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Its only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you? A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
I, personally, am going to make it rain on Sunday!:
I'm going fishing, leaving the windows down, hanging laundry on the line, leaving un-burned trash in the burn barrel, fresh un-lit coals in the grill with the cover up and I'll wax my wife's car Saturday evening and leave the water running in the garden all night! If that doesn't work, I'll stand in the yard w/watercolors and paint the summer foliage which, due to heat stress, now looks like early fall.
I know for a fact that it works! I got married last Wednesday evening to the greatest gal in the world and I met her right here on CS!
It may not work for everyone, but sometimes, when the stars are aligned just right, the one you've been looking for your whole life will appear. Throw in a little James Taylor and it can be down right magical!
Yep! Had a few of those on both sides! Thankfully, I don't ever have to worry about it again.
BUT... I remember one date where it was Uh-Oh for both of us all evening long:
I think, in all fairness, that we were both pretty decent people and probably just trying too hard, but everything either of us did that evening seemed to end up like something out of the worlds' greatest slapstick routine; I tripped while opening the car door for her and instead, slammed it on my fingers. She tried to put a straw in a soft drink for me and crushed the cup, spilling it's contents. I tried to compliment her on her outfit and it came out sounding as though I hated it. She tried to compliment me on my manners and it came out sounding as though she didn't think I had any. She dropped something and I ripped my pants (at the knee!) trying to pick it up for her. She then bent over to pick it up herself, lost her balance and face-planted on the sidewalk. I reached to help her up and got my class ring tangled in her shawl. She tried to untangle it and managed to un-button her blouse, instead. I turned away to be polite and walked straight into a tree...
And on and on it went... At the end of the evening, we both agreed that, while neither of us had laughed so much in a long time, it would probably be an extremely good idea if we never dated again...
But, like I said earlier - Since I am now the luckiest guy in the world, I don't have to worry about that, ever again!
Wisdom is best defined as the ability to judge what is true and right, to have common sense and good judgement. Unfortunately, there’s not much of that going around these days. Common sense just isn’t that common anymore. Here are a few words of wisdom; good judgment that comes from knowledge and experience in life. Enjoy!
* If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
* Your sole purpose in life may be to simply serve as a warning to others.
* It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
* People will accept your idea more readily, if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
* Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
* If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a few car payments.
* If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
* You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.
* If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again it was probably worth it.
* Life is what happens to you when you’re making other plans.
* To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
* Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.
* A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.
* Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
* Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
* Some days you’re the bug, other days you’re the windshield.
* Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
* Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.
*Blaming guns for violence is like blaming pencils for mis-spelled words.
* Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
* Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
* The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle.
What it all boils down to (and I've made a point to stay welll away from ALL of this) is:
When all is said and done, more is said than done. What things ARE done are sure to tick off someone who said something about nothing being done. What things are said are sure to tick off someone who claims they didn't say or do anything.
Those of us who sit back, scratch our heads and chuckle at the inanity/insanity of it all have probably ticked off MILLIONS of folks simply because we refuse to do anything but scratch our heads and chuckle at the inanity/insanity of it all.
There seem to be a couple of immutable rules that apply in almost every given situation:
1.) Life (in almost every aspect) should never ne taken too seriously.
The_Kansan Forum Posts (3,395)
RE: THIS IS NO LONGER FUNNY
Awww, don't feel too bad, Judy - Folks say that I've been off for years!You go ahead and do what needs to be done, we'll still be here when you get back! (We may not make any more sense than we did before, but the great thing about non-sense is that you can just jump in anywhere and it still makes as much sense as it did before!