I was talking with a friend today; she was down in the dumps and we were having a heart-to-heart about relationships, men, fears, sorrows...the whole gamut. In trying to alleviate some of her self-doubts, I told her how I viewed her (all very positive and very true) and then expressed some of my own doubts, or my views of what I felt were some of my shortcomings. To my surprise, she sees me in a totally different light than how I see myself. She is in her mid-30s, I am almost 53, and we have another good friend who is 45. So, as I am the oldest, I told her that I often felt somewhat like the runt of the litter when I am out with the 2 of them. She replied that she thought that of the 3 of us, I was the one who had it most together and that I was the one who people seemed to gravitate towards more often than with either of them. In thinking about it, perhaps she is right...but I would have never seen it that way without her comments. I found it very interesting and enlightening that I was so out of sync; that the way I saw myself was so different than how she (and possibly others) see me. Do your friends ever say things about you that kind of blow you away, regarding perspective??
Hi, Karen... I doubt it's a matter of "what did I do wrong?", which is something we all have asked ourselves at one time or another, I'm sure. But I would say that you should not call or text him again. He knows how to get in touch with you, so sit back and see if he does. If he says he is getting put off, then give him nothing further with which to use that statement. Sorry, kiddo. I know how it is, believe me. I hope for the best for you.
I am chronologically challenged. I am free in every sense. And I am single, which is definitely ok with me. But, yes...it does at times feel that something is missing.
And I live in Greece and also get similar emails from young Turkish men. Is it because I am American? It would be interesting to know if these guys are writing to young Greek women or Turkish women or any other nationality as well, or are they simply seeking Americans for potential visa procurement. On the other hand, I also receive emails from men here in Greece, the U.S., and other areas. And most of them have been what one might categorize as "normal." I've had more positive messages than negative ones. The negative ones are inevitable, but it has been my experience that there are many decent and interesting men here, too. (and women! I have made some new women friends here, too, even though I may never meet them in person)
(see my previous post, above)... Actually, I worded that incorrectly (about the earthquake)... There was one in Greece this morning, which I was awakened by. Could you also feel it in Cyprus?
Just catching up on the additions to this thread since I read it yesterday. Ray, I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts. I may not always agree with your line of thinking (or, more likely, I don't often think the same way that you do), but when I read what you write, I almost always UNDERSTAND what you say. I can understand your point of view because of how you explain your reasoning. And understanding your viewpoint generally has me leaning further towards that viewpoint than I might have otherwise ever been able to do. I wish you well with your studies and will look forward to seeing you here now and then, when you find the time.
By the way...did you feel the earthquake this morning in Cyprus??
I've wondered the same thing and have chosen to never engage in this sort of pettiness. Here is how I look at it....I pass some time here; oftentimes, I have my television or some music on and this is just another form of entertainment when I am alone at home. With that in mind, if I hear or see something on my tv that annoys me, I get up and change the channel. Arguing and bickering with people online here is only one step further than arguing with my tv. I don't know anyone here and likely never will. There are some people whose company I know I would enjoy (male AND female) and this is what brings me back time and again. There are others who I wouldn't care to be in the same room with, let alone talk with. These are the ones that I tune out, basically. I ignore them.
I know what you mean, Sol...(rather think of you as the sun -- sol -- than as Solitarius!)...I write a lot of poetry, too, but most of what I write is more comedic in nature. I only write the darker stuff in my worst times, which, fortunately, are few.
During my separation and ultimate divorce (which, I might add, was my decision....trust had been irrevocably broken so I knew I couldn't stay married to him, but I digress!)...I was depressed. Clinically so, not just blue. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying, etc. At a friend's urging, I finally sought medical help and this finally was the answer. I became mentally healthy again (in time) and left the medication behind me. This was almost 10 years ago and I have not had any such issues since then. But, as I found myself getting better and stronger and healthier, there was a time when I felt like I was walking on a tightrope....one mis-step and I would fall again. Or one push from someone would send me plummeting. I was, at the time, a bit afraid of getting better because I felt that would then open me up to trying again...and trying again would mean risking pain again. Anyway...I wrote this little 4-liner at the time and I shall never forget it, because it was exactly where I was during that stage of my depression and my escape from depression:
The light at the end of the tunnel shone through for the first time today. But I, so used to the darkness, immediately turned away.
10 years ago, yet I so vividly remember how debilitating and overpowering depression can be.
I think that if I was only interested in the man at the time that I learned of his depression, I might be wary and a bit hesitant about pursuing a relationship with him. I would want to know, at the very least, how severe it is, how ongoing or constant it is, is he managing it either through medication (if need be) or by some other means, and is his frame of mind such that his mood and outlook are overwhelmingly negative and bleak? If the latter is the case, I would not want to be around him too much, for it would bring ME down, too. Information is power, though, and the more I could find out about what his depression is all about for him, the easier it would be for me to decide what I would want to do.
I wouldn't be completely put off if I was her and was interested in you, as long as it was well understood that there had never been anything more than a kiss (or, tonsil-tennis!) with the others. However, having said that, I might wonder about your sincerity. If you had kissed many of the others in my group of friends, I would wonder how many other women outside of my circle you are also kissing...and why? In the end, it will just boil down to her own feelings towards you. If she is attracted to you and wants to be with you, she will likely overlook the previous actions in order to be with you, but I doubt she will be totally ok with it.
Love alternative music... I also like Keane and The Smiths and Badly Drawn Boy and The Shins. Love John Mayer (Gravity and Stop This Train are 2 of my favorites). Maybe some older sounds...Tower of Power has some excellent horn backup; Stevie Wonder's "Ribbon in the Sky" or Earth, Wind, and Fire's "Reasons" are also favorites of mine. Like jazz?? Perhaps some Lee Ritenour (guitarist) or David Benoit might do the trick. Ahhh...so much great music, so little time!
Thanks... Perhaps he did intend for something more to happen when he came here, but I guess I wasn't thinking from that angle. Now I have a fresh reminder that I must not always see things from where I sit; I must also try to look at things from other people's approach. Sometimes the picture is totally different.
America has institutionalized this great theological concept through the political mechanism of the First Amendment. The "no establishment" clause separates the institutions of church and state by prohibiting any government action that has the primary effect of advancing or inhibiting religion. Government is to remain neutral. No citizen should be advantaged or disadvantaged because of his religious faith.
The separation of church and state does not mean the separation of God and government or of religion and politics. The First Amendment limits only the power of government — not the power of the people or of the church. Religious organizations are free to speak out on the issues of the day. They can preach, pray, proselytize, promote and, yes, even endorse candidates if they are foolish enough to do so. (They will, however, have to forfeit their tax exemption if they use church funds, since we don't allow a tax deduction for monies given to partisan causes — just charitable ones.) Again, it is government — not religious organizations — that is restricted by our Constitution.
America's so-called Godless Constitution, with its provisions separating church and state, has given us the strongest political and religious institutions on earth. Among developed nations, no one else believes and worships as much as we Americans. One can only marvel when today's pious pulpiteers clamor for federal dollars for their "faith-based initiatives" or complain that God has been kicked out of the public schools. Perhaps they were praying in school when they should have been studying their history.
Oliver "Buzz" Thomas is a minister, lawyer and author of 10 Things Your Minister Wants to Tell You (But Can't Because He Needs the Job).
Even more interesting is what the Constitution has to say about religion. Although many of the nation's loudest religionists continue to assert that America is a Christian nation in some legal or constitutional sense, the language of the original Constitution itself suggests otherwise. The only reference to religion is tucked away in Article VI and reads: "No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States."
I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like a Christian nation to me. If you wished to create a Christian nation, wouldn't you at least need to ensure that its leaders were Christian? The No Religious Test Clause stands out because most colonies did have religious qualifications for public office. Many required a belief in the Christian doctrine of the Trinity with some, like the Carolinas, going so far as to require that all elected officials be Protestant.
So, why would the framers of our Constitution do such a thing, and moreover, why two years later would they adopt a constitutional amendment declaring that the new federal government could "make no law respecting an establishment of religion?" Was it because they were militant atheists? Hardly. James Madison, the primary architect of our Constitution, studied under the tutelage of Presbyterian-preacher-turned-Princeton-president John Witherspoon and even considered a career in the ministry before opting for politics.
More likely, the framers were concerned about the corrupting influence the institutions of church and state have on each other when either becomes too cozy. These guys knew their history. They had witnessed the blood shed by governments in the name of religion. Europe was nearly destroyed by it. They also knew their politics. The Baptists, Presbyterians and other Evangelicals were fed up with religion that was "established" by the state (as was the Anglican Church in many Southern colonies and the Congregational Church in New England) and were determined to achieve full-throttle religious freedom for all — believers and non-believers alike. It was prominent Virginia Baptist John Leland who declared, "The notion of a Christian commonwealth should be exploded forever!" Pastor Leland went on to assert that "the fondness of magistrates to foster Christianity has done it more harm than all the persecutions ever did." Leland and his Baptist colleagues played a key role in helping persuade Madison to support a federal Bill of Rights guaranteeing liberty of conscience for all.
Certainly unpleasant and unnerving, anyway. By the way...he called this morning to apologize, which segues a bit to the other thread about forgive and/or forget. In this case, I will forgive him, but I won't forget...this requires remembering, so I don't let my guard down with him or do or say anything to him that he might interpret incorrectly.
Question for all... Last night, after work, I joined friends at a nearby bar, where we ultimately stayed for hours. I drank, but not a lot (plenty of water, nursing and sipping slowly, etc.), so I left in good shape, while others remained and some were completely wasted. I live very close by and go by foot almost everywhere in the area. Others had their cars and lived further away. OK. So I got home and soon afterwards, I received a call from one of the men (a friend who had previously made it clear that he wanted to be more than a friend, but I don't feel the same way and we had talked about it...I thought he understood that there was not going to be anything more than a friendship between us). Anyway, he called and said that he was totally blitzed (as I know he was...he had way too much to drink) and asked if he could come over and sleep on my couch for awhile. I knew that he had no business driving and I also knew that this man would not just take a cab home and deal with his car another time. I did not want him on the roads, so I told him he could come and he could have the couch. This is what a friend SHOULD do, isn't it??? He came over, I brought him a pillow and led him to the couch and left the living room to go to my den, where I have my tv and computer and such. Now I will speed this up...he got up after only 20 minutes or so, came in to the den and ultimately made some very inappropriate and highly unwelcome moves. And there was a bit of forcefulness which was somewhat alarming to me. I pushed him away, immediately went to the front door, opened it, and told him to get the F out. I grabbed the "panic button" that our embassy provides us, which would have brought security personnel here immediately if I had triggered it, and I stood with the door open until he left. Now...finally...my question. Was I a fool to allow a man to come here, knowing that he wanted to be more than a friend? Or, was I being a friend to him by not allowing him to drive home? And, even though I won't have him here again, should I never let someone come and sleep on my couch if they are wasted if I know that they have an attraction or interest in me???
I guess the trick is to have less frequent remembrances.
Some people are not willing to try to remember less often...we can't really totally forget something that caused us pain, but we can choose to stop bringing it to the forefront all the time.
Sometimes, though, we must accept that we may never get beyond that thing that hurt us and must, consequently, move on. Start anew.
1. Yes, I guess I do get a bit swept off my feet...but it doesn't happen very often (otherwise, just how many "right people" could I possibly have in my life??) 2. No, I do not believe that love conquers all. I am not a pessimistic person or a bitter or negative woman...I am just a realist. Love simply cannot conquer all. 3. There is so much room in my life for romance! I just want to be sure that I fill that room properly and with great care; I don't want to re-decorate the room over and over again. I want the romance that will fill the room to be timeless. In the meantime, the room shall remain empty.
Thalassa Forum Posts (2,410)
How close do you think you would come to seeing yourself as others see you?
I was talking with a friend today; she was down in the dumps and we were having a heart-to-heart about relationships, men, fears, sorrows...the whole gamut. In trying to alleviate some of her self-doubts, I told her how I viewed her (all very positive and very true) and then expressed some of my own doubts, or my views of what I felt were some of my shortcomings. To my surprise, she sees me in a totally different light than how I see myself. She is in her mid-30s, I am almost 53, and we have another good friend who is 45. So, as I am the oldest, I told her that I often felt somewhat like the runt of the litter when I am out with the 2 of them. She replied that she thought that of the 3 of us, I was the one who had it most together and that I was the one who people seemed to gravitate towards more often than with either of them. In thinking about it, perhaps she is right...but I would have never seen it that way without her comments. I found it very interesting and enlightening that I was so out of sync; that the way I saw myself was so different than how she (and possibly others) see me. Do your friends ever say things about you that kind of blow you away, regarding perspective??