Last Commented Comedy Blogs (1,864)

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.

2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.

3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.

4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.

5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.

6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.

7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.

9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.

10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.

Sincerely,

Tiger Woods

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The mangy guy says, "You're right. I don't have a lot of money.
But. if I show you something terrific that you haven't seen before, will you then give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me isn't risque."

"Deal!" says the mangy guy and he reaches into his coat pocket
and pulls out a hamster.
He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room,
up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing songs.
And the hamster is pretty good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. :surprised: That hamster is good on the piano."

A guy at the end of the bar runs over and offers the mangy guy $500
for the hamster.
"No way, states the mangy guy. This hamster is not for sale for any price."

The mangy guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.
So, the mangy guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog.
He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing in a marvelous voice and great pitch. He's a fine singer.

The stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal."
He takes the $ 300 and gives the stranger the frog.
The stranger runs out of the bar with the frog.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut ?
You wouldn't sell the hamster for $500 but you sold a singing frog for $300?
It must have been worth millions.
You must be crazy."

As he finishes his second drink and begins to the leave the bar, the mangy guy retorts, "Not so, I can catch lots of frogs.
But, I'm not sure I'll find another hamster that can play piano and is also a ventriloquist."

If the pen is mightier than the sword, why do actions speak louder than words?

Pretoria - A house robber is in hospital after he was slashed with a sword in Bassonia, Johannesburg, on Friday. The man was part of a gang of three who tried breaking into a house in the early hours of Friday morning. "The house owner heard them and woke up. When he went to investigate, he saw three men in the house. They tried to attack him and he reached for a display sword and defended himself,"



BELOW:And its a well known fact that our Police Force imports these pens in BULK for making out the crime dockets.

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

If it can fly is SuperMan, if it can swim is AquaMan, If it can clim is SpiderMan,If it explote is a MusulMan, If it can......is a woMan. Please fill in the blank woth the correct word.

When a woman likes a man, she speaks in a higher than normal voice.

That would explain why when women talk to me, they sound like Barry White.

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting.
He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive"... then spit.
A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit."
"Well," says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So, I say sure, why not? He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains.
After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy.
We're going faster and faster, and it's hard to stay on the road.
I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!
We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler truck right on our butts, and an overturned motor home right in front of us.
Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turned to him and said, "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn bl** job you've ever had!"
He paused ... then spat. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A b*tch CAN **DRIVE**!!

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe.”

I do not buy a whole lot of cold cereal. But, I know I remember one time or another where I bought a box and poured that healthy stuff in my bowl waiting for those little dried fruit pieces to soften. mmmmmmm

I just bought a box of cold cereal. On the cover, it showed blueberries in there....strawberries. Yeah....this is what I want. I just poured myself a bowl....the dirty rats screwed me. There is no fruit in there.

Now I know why I need a woman....preferably a woman lawyer....preferably a woman lawyer named Sue.

A woman would not have fallen for that fake bait...she would have known there was no fruit in that box. Right?