Comedy Blogs (1,863)

The newfie says to the bartender "get me a drink before the fight starts." The bartender gives him the drink and the newfie downs it. The newfie says "give me another drink before the fight starts." The bartender hands him the drink and says " here you go, and by the way, who is fighting?"

The newfie replies "me and you when you find out I can't pay for these drinks."

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Two old women were outside one day having a smoke when it started to rain. One old lady pulled a condom out of her purse and put it over her smoke. The other old lady asked "what is that?" The first old lady said "its a condom and they are great for keeping your smokes dry. You can get them at the drug store".

A few days later it rains again and the 2nd old lady goes to the drug store and asks for some condoms. The clerk, taken back a bit that such a old woman would be asking for condoms decides to humor her a bit and says "sure, what brand would you like?" The old lady replies "it doesn't matter as long as they can fit a camel".

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Monkeys relax, eat, play, sleep and have sex like crazy ...
I was wondering ... why the hell did we evolve ?!

I am starting a detective agency

I am looking for the men who whistled at me when a young girl its illegal now i want them in court.

I am looking for the young men who wanted and tried to kiss me in my teens s*xual abuse.

I am looking for the old gagies who used to have their willies out when we past them after school. Oh my they are all past away now. No court for them then.

My list goes on back 30years i think when life was so different than now Men cannot even look at me now in case i have them in court.

I will let you know when the big court case goes ahead ONLY THOSE WITH MONEY THOUGH I need my legal costs paid for plus a lump sum

EL PASO, TX — Amid a mounting surge of illegal immigration, the Biden Administration is sending 1,500 National Guard troops to the border to help them register to vote.

"Yes, the people who tell me what to do all the time told me this is needed," said Biden to an ice cream cone. "And If I don't do what they tell me I don't get any snacks! No, that's no joke! Seriously, someone help me! Where am I?"

Election experts say the military operation will be instrumental in facilitating the continued invasion of the U.S. by Biden voters ahead of the 2024 election. "Biden really could use this boost from the millions and millions of people just wandering into the country," said DNC Chair Jaime Harrison. "These immigrant lives are totally wasted if we can't leverage their extreme numbers into a Democrat win."

Sources say troops are receiving cutting-edge training on detaining migrants, leading them to a voter registration table, and saying: "Firma este documento, por favor." Military sources say they hope to have 750,000 new Democrat voters by the end of the month.

At publishing time, the ones who refused to register had been placed in cages.

Mr Trump has touched down in Scotland to open another golf course. He says it is good to be home. i never saw a kilt nor a prison jacket
Nope i should not laugh as i have seen with my own eyes how even in my country politicians play foul. They must think the little people (thats us) cannot smell a sewer

Anyway then he goes on to Ireland good luck i say let him join ours for a short while. Sewers i mean

The difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you're nuts

I said "I'm really nervous. Girls can smell fear and right now I'm reeking of it".

My buddy replied "what you talking about, all I smell is garlic and fish, now come on lets go find you a woman"

I sent my new girlfriend a drawn love note I made with my ipad. She replied "awww how sweet". I told her that I actually drew it with my p*nis. She asked "why is the font so thin?"

When you sit on a toilet in the city, your butt is connected to a network of other butts citywide

I had a date last night, it was great, tomorrow I'll try a grape.