Comedy Blogs (1,863)

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

As a kid, I had friends who would trade things. For example, baseball cards, marbles, 45rpm records.

In the 70's, I was in a band with a guitarist who had a faulty guitar and it was affecting our ability to (as a band) to make money. We came off a tour of Canada and I went with him to a music store to buy a Fender Stratocaster. He tried all of the ones in the store before settling on a black one with a rosewood fingerboard. His mom helped him buy a house and the money made from music was barely enough to pay the mortgage. The plan was I'd buy the guitar and he would repay me with a portion of gig money. That didn't happen and I ended up with the guitar.

I'm left-handed and it was a right handed guitar. I know it didn't stop Jimi Hendrix from playing one upside down but another guitarist wanted it and offered to trade a reel-to-reel tape recorder so I accepted.

I'm more inclined to give things away and not trade for something.

I don't follow sports, but I hear in the news all the time about sports players being traded to other teams. Depending on the perspective, I guess it's a good and bad thing.

As part of my job, I do have to negotiate with clients, general contractors, associates and upper management. There is always a give and take to make things work.
Yesterday, I had a meeting with a client and contractor about my cabinets in the bathroom and how the designer wants the walls wrapped in tile. I didn't like the way it was planned. The contractor agreed. I gave-in to include full panels (instead of fillers) where my cabinetry meets the wall. It's more material but an easier installation for both my company and the tile installer. Win-Win.
I wanted a design change in another area of the house and they went along with my request. Fair trade.

So this month, long-time member Harb who is on permanent bad returns. Similar to a cat with 9 lives, but it doesn't take long for administration to find out and pull the plug on his alias... POOF !! he's gone... again.

I always thought he was entertaining with his sarcastic humor. Lots of banter, even if he did cross the line with some members. A ban is a ban with no hope of parole.
Honestly, he does much better for CS than lots of other members. Often, if there's a change to be made, people will sign a petition in hopes of creating a change. Workers to a boss, citizens to a government. Michael Cohen traded some information to get his sentence reduced. Different examples all parts attempting a trade.

Let's suggest a trade to management. I could think of a handful bitter/angry members who could be easily traded for the return of one Harb. Kinda like a prisoner trade to a foreign government.

I'll trade ya... what a great idea !!

KENOSHA, WI—Black Lives Matter activists across the country are looking forward to some early Black Friday looting once Kyle Rittenhouse is acquitted.

Rittenhouse is on trial for shooting and killing a p*dophile and a kidnapper after they tried to kill Rittenhouse.

BLM has taken up the cause of being mad at Rittenhouse because he killed two horrible people during their riot last summer.

“You can’t just defend yourself like that at a Black Lives Matter riot,” local BLM Chairperson Jerome McStinky said. “Therefore, if that kid is acquitted, we is going to loot the s**t out of the m*******r.”

D’Skank Jones has been eyeing a new pair of Nikes ever since the trial started.

“Mmmm, I’ma get me some of those new Blazers girl! That boy better not get acquitted,” Jones said.

President Joe Biden has weighed in, saying that BLM should be able to loot on days besides Black Friday as a matter of principle.

US representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has demanded that they change the name of “Black Friday” to “Friday of Color”.

According to certain members here, they have proof that Hollywood storylines have become reality, so we have luminescent proteins coursing through our veins that can be tracked, sadly they missed the film about how a minuscule luminous light source can be tracked other than in a hospital situation.

But wait, there's more.

We also have microchips flowing around inside disguised as nano-particles invented on some movie set and now available at your nearest Walmart.

Then there is 5G which apparently, although in limited use, has created and influenced the covid virus, never mind the fact that radio waves have been passing through living bodies since cave man-days, but have now, in the 21st century, decided the time is right to affect humans, just humans mind you, as dogs, cats etc have superior brains obviously.
Never mind the fact that people living in areas where there is no 1G 2G 3G 4G 5G, still get the same ailments as those in large cities where phone signals are rampant.

Don't believe me? Then go and read Infowars, the gateway pundit and Anon, after all, they would never lie.

Or would they?

CALLER:
Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”
The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
“Well,” the farmer said, “Today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the half....bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied.
“So what happened then?” the man asked.
The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
“And then?” the man asked.
“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the half... bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
The man laughed and said, “Again?”
The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” the man asked.
“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head.
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.
“So, what did you do?” the man asked.
“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.. Some things you just can’t explain.”

...
1. What's the difference between stress, tension, panic and tragedy. .
?Stress is when wife is pregnant;?
?Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant;? ??Panic is when both are pregnant!??.
Tragedy is when you are not responsible for either pregnancy.

?2. Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period??
?Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away!?
?3. A young boy asks his Dad: "What is the difference between confident and confidential??"

?Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that is confidential!?"

?4. A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, ?“Which book has helped you most in your life?”? ?The woman replied , “My husband’s cheque book!”?

?5. A prospective husband in a book store: “Do you have a book called,? ?Husband the Master of the House?? ?”Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”....

?6. Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.? ?Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day....

...