Comedy Blogs (1,863)

I don't think there is or there should be anything call madness. No one is mad. The madness is, there is a helluva thing called NORMAL we all can't fit in.


So... If you try to be normal you are going mad and if you are being mad it's you trying to be your normal.

I think I confused mad and the normal equally enough.



Just a mad thought when the whole world is going mad.

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
> A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
> Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:
> 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
> The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

I Saw The Doctor The Other Day. He checked me over completely and told me I was doing well except for one thing!
He told me to exercise more!

Ready for this?

I am doing diddly squats!

How's it going Mr. Peterson?
"It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone Underwear"

"Beer please Woody."
"Isn't it a little early Mr Peterson?"
"OK. Float a cornflake in it"

"What's shakin' Norm?"
"What isn't?"

"What would ya say to a beer?"
"What's a nice beer like you doing in a place like this?"

"What'll you have, Norm?"
"Fame, fortune, and fast women."
"How 'bout a beer?"
"Even better."

"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ears."

"Beer Norm?"
"I remember that stuff. Better give me a tall one in case I like it."

"Well, look at you. You look like the cat that swallowed the canary."
"And I need a beer to wash him down."

"How's life Norm?"
"Ask a man who's got one."

"What can I do for you Norm?"
"Well, I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. Uhhh, how about a first one?"

"How's it going, Norm?"
"Cut the small talk and get me a beer."

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it."

"What's going on, Normie?"
"My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll
blow out my liver."

"How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?"
"Pretty nervous if I was in the room."

"What's doing, Norm?"
"Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig."

"What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?"
"Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. Film at eleven."

"How's life, Mr. Peterson?"
"Oh, I'm waiting for the movie."

"Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?"
"The warranty on my liver."

"What's up, Normie?"
"My nipples, it's freezing out there."

"Can I draw you a beer Norm ?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"How's a beer sound Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"Beer, Normie?"
"Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week."
"Eh, why not, I'm still young."

"What would you say to a nice beer Normie?"
"Going Down?"

"Beer, Norm?"
"Yeah, that's it."

"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'll it be Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer & a snorkel."

"How's life in the fast lane?"
"Dunno, can't get on the on-ramp."

"What would you say to a beer Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes
out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"What'd you say Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."

"What would you say to a beer Norm?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

(Coming in from the rain)
"Evening everybody."
Everybody: "Norm!"
"Still pouring Norm?"
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?"
"Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer."

"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can."

"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."

"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

I have a female cousin who is the same age as me. Our birthdays are a week apart.
She's in New Jersey and rarely do we communicate. Different priorities in life.
I recall after a long absence I did speak to her and discussed getting older. My mention of grey hair must have been a sore subject. She colors her hair and I don't.
It must have shocked her to say the first grey hair I recall getting was on my chest. Hopefully she doesn't have any chest hair!

Whore bait
A*shole Pete
It don't take a scissor bell.
dirty pot licker
water the horse


I am not even sure what some of these mean. I think I just figured out whore bait.



He would say, make hay while the sun is shining.
You make your bed, now lay in it.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Don't buy anything unless you can afford it (meaning no credit).

Today in The New Yorker;



Here we see Trump inching somewhat closer to the "green".......grass.
For some golfers, golfing is more 'rough' than others.














Stay safe everyone.

Heard from a redneck comedian last night;

"Women were meant to do the cooking. Heck, god gave them milk & eggs for starters. Those are ingredients right there."

The attack started at exactly 2am.

I have no idea from where this came. Sometimes I think they just materialise from thin air. Very difficult to find during daytime, their camouflage is something any army can learn from, and how they home in on their night attacks shows they have some advanced heat seeking ability for blood. Minute Draculas. The buzzing sound is loud enough to wake you from a deep sleep, and ominous enough to keep you awake.

So groggily you push off the covers determined to hunt down this enemy to sleep. Except that these flying nuisances have this knack of disappearing the second you decide to wage war on them, only to return to attack again the minute you switch off the light, exasperated, frustrated, defeated, but determined to fumigate the room come daylight. Except you don’t always do, thinking they’re somehow gone and you’re ok.
Which of course you wouldn’t be, and go through the buzzing, the attacks, with subsequent exasperations and another sleepless night searching for the bastards.

For of course, after losing a two hour battle, switching on the bedside light and getting out of bed several times in the process, sleep afterwards becomes impossible.So headphones, Spotify and Queen nostalgia take up the rest of the night.

But determination is peaked to seek and destroy come dawn. In the meantime, Queen drowns any buzzing.

And a reminder that the corona virus is still invisibly ‘buzzing’ about too, so act safe and stay safe.

Peace

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me 6 times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze 6 lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will certainly wipe that devilish grin off of your face.'