Comedy Blogs (1,863)

Here are some great ways reverse the recession immediately:

1. Turn the GDP chart upside down: Wow, that was easy!
2. Change what the word "recession" means: Why yes, the economy is experiencing good vibes. Thank you for asking, Mr. Doocy.
3. Play the reverse card from your UNO hand that you've been holding onto: Oh no! The economy played its own reverse card!
4. Think long and hard, 'What would AOC do?': Probably something really brilliant and progressive!
5. Form a Congressional committee to research how to get out of recessions so they can publish their findings in 3 years: The buck stops eventually!
6. Invade Canada and take all their GDP for ourselves: They don't have any guns to defend themselves.
7. Ask Ukraine for our $80 billion back: They probably haven't spent it yet.
8. Order a second season of Jan 6 hearings: That'll distract everyone from their financial pains.
9. Ask Joey, a fifth grader: He'll know what to do!
10. Replace the entire government with Ron Paul: We can only dream.


This should reverse the recession in a jiffy! But if that doesn't work we can always try redefining "reverse."

If you put a worm in a glass of water it will swim around. If you put that same worm in a glass of whiskey it will die. Moral of the story, if you drink whiskey, you won't have worms.

Here's the Middle finger.

Andrea Jenkyns, a Tory MP, made the rude gesture on Thursday when a crowd booed her as she entered Downing Street to watch UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson deliver his resignation speech.



The kids love her to bits.

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

Treat others as you would like to be treated.

When you have the urge to go out and look for a fight in a bar rather than staying at home with a confrontational machete wielding woman, choose going on a sea fishing boat trip.

This way only the fish is in danger.

That's how I stay out of trouble.



Have a great day.

JK

I've always wondered what parents were thinking when they name their children after a month. I did hear of one girl named June who was born in August.

Probably an overdue pregnancy

I lost my phone just yesterday, I'm traumatised and lost,
I can't speak in conversation, I just don't know what to do,
I don't know whatsapp with my friends, my parents want
to talk to me, again, that's twice this month, I can't tweet,
I can't face talk, (even though they are here beside me)
They are there and I can't even look,,,, I need Facebook,
They even asked me to add two and two, as if I didn't
know, oh,, I need my phone,, where is my goddamm
phone, sorry, it's not like I REALLY need my phone to
be normal, .......... I just want the ten million pictures
I took, I'm sure there is one of me pouting that looks
really good, this is all going to end in disaster if I
DON'T GET MY PHONE!