Comedy Blogs (1,863)

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse ... phoned'

I love color changes. Right now I'm in love with pink before pink it was blue and before that green.

Out of the blue a few weeks ago I just decided one day to have the lower half of my hair painted pink. It was supposed to be temporary color but my girlfriend accidentally got permament. My only regret is I didn't take my dog so she didn't get her tail painted pink, dammit.

I put the picture on FB and got a ton of positive comments - usually a picture of Bella gets way more comments of me but the pink hair did it for me. I live in an older community and I don't think most of the residents like it but I don't give a hoot - I love it and it's all about me in my own world.

It's not a subtle pink it's shocking pink. I love all the colors people are wearing. I'm not sure my boss would have let me get away with it. I know my Dad would have fussed at me if he had half his mind back. My son loves it so that's cool.

I happen to love the shock factor every time someone sees me that hasn't seen me in awhile. My friends expect this of me, my neighbors not so much.

First the background, well summed up by the following video;



Then quick as a bunny, the comedy from Borowitz, laden with the irony of what should have been said, if Trump was truthful.

I see a new profile popped up today for a retired 62 year old woman living in Sheffield, England. Her intentions are clear and so are her topless photos!
She's whorn-knee and comes as a married couple... However she can separate if needed.

Wow, what a deal!

Guys, don't wait. I'm sure this deal won't last long.

I sometimez feel really baaddd for that God fella !! I mean if there is One !!

If God is around somewhere , then The God must be thinking ...

"These two legged creature called human Braught me down here on Earth for their own Personal Agenda...
When did I Asked to this creature called Human to Bring me down to Earth to Have any of their Recognition as God at all !!? "

"Now look at these Humans... There are sooo many other species here in Universe ... No one has become that much pain in my a*s except these Humans !! "

"These Humans Bugging me constantly with their all kind of Prayers (I have lost count of how many different methods they have invented to Bug me in the name of Religion !! ) ... "

"These Humans always Nagging me for every Problem they face every now and then... Can't they sort out anything by themselves at all !! Even if they have a pimple on their face , still they will poke me !!! Can you imagine !! "

"And don't forget the Blaming part !! For all of their own Choices and Actions , whenever they got into Trouble , they start to Blame me !!
And these Humans will Drag me to Justify every Rediculous Rule they have ever made and everything they have done Wrong ever.. "

"And then , to my worst Nightmare , these Humans started Pulling me into their own messing Battleground called as Debate Over The Existence Of God !!!!! "

"Geeezzz !!! Will these Humans Live And Let Live me alone in my own World Of Peace ever for Gods' sake !!!!! "

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I’d ever seen.
The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy’s face, saying “I slept with your mother.”
Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy’s face, saying it again. “Hey, I slept with your mot*her.”
Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, “No seriously, I slept with your mo*ther.”
At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,


.......
“That’s it. .......
We’re going home, Dad. You’re drunk.”

" An enthusiastic Preacher belonging to the Society for the Protection of Cows , came for an interview with Swamiji (SWAMI VIVEKANAND) .. He (the Preacher) was dressed almost like a Sanyasi (Hindu Saint) , if not fully so — with a Gerua (Saffron) Turban on the head , he was evidently an Up-Country Indian .. At the announcement of this Preacher of Cow-Protection , Swamiji came out to the parlour room .. The Preacher saluted Swamiji and presented him with a picture of the Mother-Cow .. Swamiji took that in his hand and handover it to one standing by , commenced the following conversation with the preacher ..

Swamiji : What is the object of your society ?

Preacher : We protect the Mother-Cows of our country from the hands of the butcher .. Cow-infirmaries have been founded in some places where the diseased , decrepit Mother-Cows or those bought from the butchers are provided for ..

Swamiji : That is very good indeed .. What is the source of your income ?

Preacher : The work of the society is carried on only by gifts kindly made by great men like you ..

Swamiji : What amount of money have you now laid by ?

Preacher : The Marwari Traders’ community are the special supporters of this work .. They have given a big amount for this good cause ..

Swamiji : A terrible Famine has now broken out in Central India .. The Indian Government has published a Death-roll of Nine Lakhs (Nine Millions) of starved people .. Has your society done anything to render help in this time of Famine ?

Preacher : We do not help during Famine or other distresses .. This society has been established only for the protection of Mother-Cows ..

Swamiji : During a Famine when Lakhs (Millions) of people, your own brothers and sisters , have fallen into the jaws of death , you have not thought it your duty , though having the means , to help them in that terrible calamity with food !

Preacher : No .. This Famine broke out as a Result of men’s Karma , their Sins .. It is a case of ' Like Karma , Like Fruit ' (As You Sow , So Shall You Reap) ..

Hearing the words of the Preacher , sparks of fire , as it were , scintillated in Swamiji’s large eyes , his face became flushed ..
But he suppressed his feeling and said : ........................................... With regard to your cause also , it can be said — the Mother-Cows through their own Karma fall into the hands of the butchers and die , and we need not do anything in the matter ..

The Preacher was a little abashed and said : Yes , what you say is true , but the Shastras say that the Cow is our Mother ..

Swamiji smilingly said : Yes , that the Cow is our Mother , I understand .. Who else could give birth to such accomplished children ?

The Up-Country Preacher did not speak further on the subject , perhaps he could not understand the point of Swamiji’s poignant ridicule .. He told Swamiji that he was begging something of him for the objects of the society ..

Swamiji : I am a Sannyasi, a Fakir .. Where shall I find money enough to help you ? But if ever I get money in my possession , I shall First spend that in the Service of Man .. Man is First to be Saved , he must be given Food , Education , and spirituality .. If any money is left after doing all these , then only something would be given to your society .. "

*** ***

So ...
The moral of the story !!

If Cow is your Mother , then the Bull is your Father .. And as a result , the Children of the union of " Holy Cow Mother and Bull Father " will be nothing but a bunch of COWardly BULLshi**ers !!

I Dedicate this amusing story , one of the Most Famous Legend about Swami Vivekananda , to all those Legendary Morons of our Country , who campaign to promote their most hilariously ridiculous theory that " Holy Cow is our Mother " ...

Literally every single thing in this video is true. Obviously, the entire thing is passive aggressive, but it’s so true.

Watch David Hookstead:

Biden's Guest Hosting Of 'Jeopardy!' A Disaster As He Flees Every Time A Contestant Puts An Answer In Form Of A Question.

CULVER CITY, CA—It seemed like a big coup for the game show Jeopardy! as they got the President of the United States himself, Joe Biden, to host. But it ended up being a disaster, as every time a contest answered in the form of a question, Biden would immediately turn and leave.

“What is the Roman Empire?” answered contestant Keith Black, a school teacher.

“I’m not taking questions at this time,” Biden said as he turned to leave the studio.

Producers then had to explain to him that in Jeopardy!, all answers are in the form of questions, but he’s not actually being questioned.

“Well, that’s just malarkey,” Biden reportedly said before going back in to host.

Still, his reflex about questions was too ingrained, as when a contest answered, “What is photosynthesis?” Biden again immediately left.

“Sorry,” he said while exiting the stage, “my staff says if I answer any questions, I don’t get ice cream.”

One of the producers then tried to fill in as host for the rest of the show, but someone in the audience soon found a bad tweet of his, and the guest host was shot on sight.


This blog is SATIRE folks.