5 Tips on Standing Up for Yourself

At some point, everyone has to stand up for themselves, no matter how old they may be. Whether in the school yard or the retirement home, bullying can happen anywhere. Many believe that, by acting in a kind and considerate manner, they can avoid situations where it becomes necessary. This is of course nonsense.

Before specific advice is offered, it should be stressed that standing up for yourself does not mean seeking out confrontation. Neither does it mean being aggressive. In fact, aggressive, confrontational people are often afraid; their unpleasant attitude is little more than a mask worn to deter would-be bullies. Truly confident people, by contrast, give off an aura of quiet, inner strength.

1) Know what you expect from other people.

Make an effort always to be kind, polite and gentle. If you are, you have a right to expect the same in return. If you are frequently short-tempered, abrupt and rude, do not be surprised if you find yourself backing down when someone treats you in the same way. Subconsciously you know you have no right to complain. Treat people with respect and your conscience will be clean.

2) Don't try too hard to soothe other people's feelings.

The harder you try, the worse you come across. Imagine, for example, that someone has blocked you in with their car. When you ask them to move it, you must walk the line between aggression and passivity. Some people will rage and yell and swear. Of course, this is hardly appropriate. But neither is it appropriate to apologize. Once you have asked for it to be moved, do not then add "I'm sure you didn't do it on purpose. I mean, I know you are busy, and I'm sure you didn't see me, but would you mind moving it, sorry to be a pain..." and so on. You don't need to qualify everything you say. State the problem in a clear, assertive manner and say no more. If you are turning somebody down, and you feel the request is inappropriate, say "No, I can't".

3) People will treat you as they sense you expect to be treated.

If you believe, deep down, that you are pathetic, worthless and weak, and that you have no right to be treated well, people will sense this. Drive the idea deep into your subconscious that you will never allow anyone, no matter who, to bully or humiliate you. Once this forms a core belief, it will be reflected in your speech and conduct.

4) Work on your body language.

Make it a habit to live your life with shoulders back, chin up and chest out. The more assertive your posture becomes, the more confident and assertive you will feel. Make assertive body language a habit rather than something you employ when angry or intimidated. If you do, it will influence your thought and behavior patterns. Remember, people notice your body language before they focus on what you are saying. If your body language is all wrong (shoulders hunched, head turned away, eyes downcast), then no matter how forcefully or clearly you speak, you will be taken less seriously.

5) Develop a sense of self-reliance and self-respect.

This is perhaps the most important of all. Without self-belief, any attempt to stand up for yourself will sound shrill, hollow and inauthentic. You must believe that you are worth standing up for. Be yourself. Do not spend your life admiring people who seem tougher, braver, more independent etc. Maybe they are. But you can only be you, and imitating those you admire is a form of self-betrayal: you are telling yourself that there is nothing inside you worth developing, that you must instead pretend to be someone you are not. Take pride in being yourself. Develop your own principles and compromise them for no one. Life is not about being the best: there will always be someone funnier, cleverer, prettier, more talented; the simple fact that you are your own person, able to think and act independently, should be enough. Of course, there are certain practical steps you could take to boost your self-confidence. Maybe you could learn a martial art? Or face something you have always wanted to do but been too scared to try (even bungee jumping or parachuting).

Don't be too hard on yourself. Most people have moments of cowardice and weakness, and no one is defiant and brave in every situation. Just because you didn't stand up to bullies at school does not mean you are condemned to be a victim for the rest of your life. It is never too late to learn.