cycle two complete
I have been watching myself quietly for the last ten days or so.Some decadently lethargic creature has taken over and decided to just go with the flow because it is just too much trouble to push and shove against the sheer weight of unfeeling flesh and the low blood sugar jitters that assail me from time to time despite my best efforts.
As promised, food tastes odd and alien, even my favorite teas have become unappealing, sending me running to coffee in those moments when it must be a hot drink. Otherwise fruit (especilly mangos still) and ginger ale quench the ravening thirst that holds me hostage.
I do dance a little more every day and last night I dreamed for the first time in weeks. A dark little dream of fighting to regain function, but the planes of my cheekbones were less convex and although my eyebrows were faded to mere etchings along the bone, my head gleamed with curls and colour - definitely a dream.
The eyebrows have been fun, a gradual change from dark, well-defined arches to highly stylised suggestions of a brow echoing starlets' glamour and wideopen eyes designed to tug at heartstrings.
My voice as well is flirting with the sultry. A husky, breathy sound promising secrets, delivering a sullen complaint about the stabbing pains when I breathe, about the acid in my stomach, about the fact that it is taking so long for anything to change.
Tired is a concept and a dream until you have chemo and radiation. I feel like a pool of water spilled too wide to respond to the breeze that wants to evaporate me. The firm intent to move formed in the brain stays there, unmoving for endless spaces of time witing for a spark, for something to trigger forward motion.
Even backward would do, something beyond this carpeted plain that whispers of sleep and darkness, of hiding out until it is all over and my parts unite and cooperate again.
Apparently somewhere in those plastic bags there is a chemical erosion of the spirit and the will that hides behind the jitters and the strange tastes and smells. How far down must I go? Is this the time for battle or surrender? Increasingly I wonder who will come out on the other side of this? Me? Less than me? More than me?
The horrors of a control freak having to let go! The surprise to realise that the thought of letting go is appealing. To float away, no tension in the sinews, to just be foam along the edges of the sea....
Comments (4)
I reckon the poetry you will do when you get round to it is going to be astounding too
You have all your sheer strength of character, positivity and all our positive vibes helping you fight this
Just as you've gradually gone down, you'll start to gradually come back up again and eventually come out the other side strong, healthy and healed again
Lovely to hear from you as always...wow considering how tried you must be feeling right now you deserve a trophy for the way you string your sentences together......
Going with the flow is about all you can do. Don't try too hard and don't fight the tiredness it will only wear you out even more. Go slow and trust that everything is happening perfectly ie the way it should be..Don't concern yourself about things you have no control over just trust and have faith... You will be a much stronger and wiser person from paying so much attention to your present journey. Be proud of the way you are handling everything and in your ability to remain calm and on top of things.
Keep up the good work. I realise it must be wearing and difficult at times but you are doing really really good.. You have the resources to cope and make it through..
Go slow and love yourself from the inside out. Everything is ok...
Love and light
Yvonne