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This time of year we remember those persons who are no longer viable; we welcome those newly viable persons to celebrate their first season to be jolly.

Gifts allegedly made by vertically challenged non gender specific persons are placed under a holiday tree adorned with colourful multi-cultural decorations.

Non-affiliated Reindeer, one nasally challenged lay peacefully in a neutral diorama that was once called a nativity scene prior to becoming offensive, lyrics of songs of the past are now seen as racially insensitive and we now simply nod at each other while sipping on a glass of non-alcoholic egg and lactate based beverages, Long gone is the scent of roasting Turkey bird, replaced by a vegetarian nut loaf made from organic and free range non guilt complex forming ingredients.

Mistletoe is now banned due to the unwanted invasions of personal space with the sole purpose of s*xual assault against the opposite gender.

As midnight approaches the tension increases, the great genial non gender specific bearded person requests permission to enter private abodes by way of chimneys, archaic pieces of coal for the bad and gifts for the good are placed under the holiday tree, provided this person is left a small token of non-alcoholic sherry or a non-animal suet based pie our genderless giver will be happy.

Happy Holidays

With all the madmen on our planet, the possibility of a nuclear attack has never been more real. Quite a few countries are in possession of nuclear warheads and are capable of delivering them anywhere in the world. Terrorist groups may soon find a leader insane enough to provide them with the necessary hardware.

For us, living in some of the poorer countries, there is no hope, but if your country possesses an early warning system, even if you only have a few minutes to act, you can make the most of it if you can keep your head.

Simply follow these steps when you receive the first warning, but hurry; you may not have much time.
1. Stay clear of all windows.
2. Switch off all appliances; electric, gas or otherwise.
3. Shut off the electric and gas supply. Not the water.
4. Put out all cigarettes, candles, and open fires.
5. Start filling the bath and basins with cold water.
6. Remove spectacles, contact lenses, hearing aids and tampons.
7. Empty pockets of all sharp objects such as pens and pencils.
8. Loosen neckties, brassieres, corsets, and shoelaces.
9. Unbutton coat and any other restrictive clothing.
10. Take shelter under a strong table and wait for the blast.
11. Immediately upon seeing the brilliant flash of nuclear explosion, bend over and place your head firmly between you legs.
12. Then, if you have the time, kiss your azz goodbye.

I hope you have the time to follow these simple steps. It is unlikely that it will help, but at least you will arrive at the other side, knowing that you tried your best.

You don't have to pay me for this valuable advice. I render it as a free service in the interest of survival.

I've noticed that some of our bloggers, especially the newer ones, do not use emoticons. Which makes me Emoticon BTW.
Some of these poor souls resort to such lame substitutes as :-) or lol.
Who, I ask, would use :-) if they could use ? Or lol instead of ?

Then it came to me! These oppressed souls do not CHOOSE second class substitutes for emoticons.
NO! They feel this has been forced upon them by a type of caste system!

If their device doesn't allow them access to CS.com, they are forced to use CS mobi. And CS mobi doesn't have EMOTICONS!
It's TRUE!!

I say ENOUGH!!
Downtrodden mobi masses rise up!
Claim the emoticons as YOURS, and not just the exclusive property of the CS.com elite!!
No more sitting in the back of the bus without even a comfort emoticon to keep them company!!

So, my radicalized mobi brothers and sisters, HOW do we redistribute the emoticon wealth?
I'm glad you asked!
We claim our share of the emoticon pie thru...STEALTH!!

Here's how scorned mobi users can liberate the emoticons...
When a .com user clicks on an emoticon such as it appears in the text as wow between two :...:. Something like : wow : - only without the spaces between wow and the two :s . So, if a downtrodden mobi user TYPES IN wow between two colons ( : wow : only leave out the spaces) it appears in his/her blog/comment as
This also works when composing your profile narratives & private mails
Yes! Really!
......

But, sez you, how do I know what word to type in to get the desired emoticon?
I'm glad you asked, sez I!

There are two ways...
Ask one of your CS.com elite friends to send you a list of the words and the emoticons they will create.
However, the downtrodden person may be so looked down upon as to have no CS.com elite friends.
They must resort to...subterfuge!

When you, a downtrodden mobi user, see one of the prized emoticons denied you, simply touch or click on it until the options appear.
Then touch/click 'save image'.
The emoticon will be downloaded as THE WORD!!
VOILA!!
The emoticon has been successfully liberated from the exclusive country club of the CS.com elite!!

MOBI USERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT YOUR LAME ;-) AND lol!
YOU HAVE A WORLD OF EMOTICONS TO GAIN!
CLICK ON!!...


Emoticons!!! ...

Yes.
I know what y'all are thinking. A monument should be built to honor a friend of the people...who set the emoticons free for the mobi masses!!


The freedom of the emoticons is reward enough!

Thats what I do.
Because that's who I am.

............

Now, is that true? I think I must have been laying them wrong. Or perhaps I didn’t get the best quality in the first place. I do find after a few years they look a bit worn.

But is 30 years the aim, anyway? What if you want a change after, say, 10 years? Then half that hard work initially was for nothing.

I need more advice, I think. Anyone?

I may have missed blogs on this change and apologies if so but it really is a little irritating.

Used to be you could only see the first 30 comments on a blog on a smartphone unless you went into full option (and eeny teeny print), well, not that many blogs go past 30 comments anyway. Not a huge problem.

Now it seems we can only see first few words of each comment - and that's not only me, Pat mentioned it on my last blog too.

It's a bit cynical of the programmers to assume we know what everyone's likely to say so don't need to see it

Maybe if those who prefer, or only, use smartphone, and have this issue, could leave comments, and if it seems there really are quite a few affected, we could ask pretty-please to go back to the luxury of 30 full comments?











(And hey, anyone else astonished that it is already Friday?)

Keeping a dog brings responsibilities. It will need attention, shelter, food, and most importantly, water. Dogs need a lot of water. Being away from home for a full day sometimes can easily get your dog stuck without water. The other day I took insurance against that.

I rescued the discarded toilet cistern that was replaced with a new job and, at the flea market, I picked up an old wash-up basin going cheaply. The odds and ends in my garage made up for the rest.

I started by removing the flushing mechanism from the cistern. Then I mounted it and the wash-up basin on ground level against the wall (in the shade), right next to each other. I connected the two outlets with each other using PVC drain pipes and sealed the joins with silicone sealer. To complete the job, I connected the installation with the cold water supply via a stopcock. Job done in less that one hour.

It works like a dream. The cost? All in all, with our crummy exchange rate, probably under US$10. Ah, that reminds me: Our finance minister got a nomination for a Nobel Prize in chemistry. He managed to turn our currency into a ball of poo! The contraption is a bit unsightly at the present but I will paint it when I paint the house and it should blend in with the environment smoothly.



As the dog drinks water, the water level drops and the ball in the cistern follows it. The valve opens to let more water in until the water is replenished. My dog has a steady supply of water, even if the water supply should be interrupted for a few hours. No more worries about water.

All I need now is a contraption to dispense his food at regular intervals and a gadget to scratch his head from time to time. Any suggestions? Just don’t bother me with royalties. I will modify your design enough to circumvent any copyright laws.


Have a great day, will you?

Please let me hear your opinions.

Is it right to add, Late Mr. So and so & Mrs. Cordially invites........

I am not sure. It doesn't sound right. It's a happy occasion. Do we have to bring up the sad situation that my daughter's father is no more? It's sad alright.

If I put only the couple's names, Miss abcd and Mr. Efgh cordially invite...

Do they sound like orphans?

I can hear some outside views on this matter.

No jokes please. This is serious.


Thank you!

I am a dummy, okay? I'm not smart enough to be in charge of a smart phone but I tell you what, neither are the people out there selling them

I went into a Virgin mobile shop to say listen, having problem downloading apps, what am I doing wrong? So a kid of about 9 looked pityingly at me and said I don't close apps properly when I finish with them, which would help space, but I should phone Virgin direct and upgrade.

So I phoned Virgin direct and they said £125 please. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Turns out he thought I wanted to upgrade my phone. Took us about 20 minutes, with his English and very odd accent, for us to establish I wanted to upgrade my service. Naw, he said, ah doan theng yew node ta, yew doan yis it arl es it os.

I ran the translation through my head, then said but I can't download apps, there is insufficient space?

Elozabiff, he said patiently, yew node ah mimmory cad.

I asked where I get a 'mimmory cad' and he said back at the shop. So I went back to the shoponly 8 miles away and got a 12 year old who said oh but we don't sell them HERE.

Where, then?

She didn't know. Maybe Tesco, she said. I walked out, and 2 shops away was a shop selling mobile phone accessories. Including memory cards.

So I'm sorted but seriously, is it just me being thick, does anyone else have these problems with smart technology and the people who are supposed to explain it to dummies like me?

After 10 years, Ive decided to post a blog so I can keep track of my blog comments!