You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly."
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
'Expansion Management' magazine rated Longview, Texas in the top 30 of "America's Hottest Cities". The population is about 105,000 when the neighboring burroughs are included. There is something for almost everyone amid the plethera of lodging, dining, meeting services, festivals, events, arts, and culture. The people are friendly, the weather is pleasing, the scenery is beautiful, and the city is ideally located in the lake country of Northeast Texas.
Speaking of being frightened... I have never been more frightened than the time a girlfriend threw a lit firecracker into the shower with me. She timed it perfect. I was rinsing shampoo from my hair, so I had my eyes closed and KRACKOW. I screamed like a little girl.
I would definately go to a Canadian meet and greet. I'm not Canadian, but they certainly peak my interest. I've seen several here that I'd like to meet. Some of them I'd shake hands with, others I'd shake tailfeathers. I've got some vacation time coming too. Right On!
Been caught by my father (twice), and each of my three younger brothers (one of them twice), none of these was really any big deal...my youngest daughter snuck in like a ninja one time, I noticed her from the corner of my eye, turned my head and there she was with a big smile nodding in approval (I don't have any idea why she was nodding her head but it was unnerving, disturbing even).
One time I got sloppy drunk, and I met this drunk girl who didn't seem to mind doing it in the dark alley outside the club. I heard some one call my name, and there was my buddy that rode to the club with me arms folded and nodding in disapproval. He had been looking for me because he wanted to go home.
Another time was with this girl I really liked a lot. We were on the living room floor of a friend after a party. We thought everyone else had crashed out. Well, in my peripheral vision I noticed another girl was not sleeping, she wasn't even pretending to sleep, she was staring right at us. (that one weirded me out too)
I'm so tired of being alone I'm so tired of on-my-own Won't you help me girl Just as soon as you can People say that I've found a way To make you say that you love me Hey baby, you didn't go for that It's a natural fact That I wanna come back Show me where it's at, baby
I'm so tired of being alone I'm so tired off on-my-own Won't you help me girl Soon as you can
I guess you know that I, uh, I love you so Even though you don't want me no more Hey hey hey hey, I'm cryin' tears All through the years I'll tell ya like it is Honey, love me if you will
Yeah baby Tired of being alone here by myself, now I tell ya, I'm tired baby I'm tired of being all wrapped up late at night In my dreams, nobody but you, baby Sometimes I wonder If you love me like you say you do You see baby, I been thinkin' about it, yeah I been, I been wantin' to get next to you baby Ya see, sometimes I hold my arms, I say mmmm hmmm hmmm Yeah baby Meeting you has proven to me To be my greatest dream, yeah Tired, baby Yeah, you don't know what I'm talkin' about Sometimes late at night I get to wonderin' about you baby Oh baby, baby I'm so tired of being alone I'm so tired of being alone I'm so tired of being alone...
Feeling remorse from divorce letting nature take its ugly course catapulting two people in love to insulting Went from united as on through this process labled marriage to less than half a man single dad pushing a baby carriage reduced my stature a superman with no Teri Hatcher I stand alone this time giving the world my heart to capture
11th grade talent show--Young M.C.'s 'Bust a Move' and freestyle human beat box (won 1st place)
12th grade talent show--Freestyle Human Beat Box(won again, I performed in the talent show by popular demand for two years after graduating)
A whole myriad of Karaoke performances
Once at a college frat party, an unknown/unnamed band was playing. They were jamming down, but they didn't have a vocalist. On a whim I walked up on the stage grabbed an open mic and started to yowl ala Pantera, ad libbing lyrics as I went along. The band offered to make me their front man, but I declined.
I performed at a local church in an Easter passion play, as well as an independence day presentation. In my mid/late twenties I was preparing myself for bivocational ministry, as a result I preached roughly a dozen sermons in about nine different churches. (I still have sermons prepared that have yet to be preached) Also sang in the special music part of the church services a handful of times.
diogenes Forum Posts (4,761)
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.-Mitch Hedberg