I've just been thinking about this in terms of what I just wrote and to take it a little further or be more expansive, I would say that we attract people who abscond or have issues with commitment because we might in some way know that they are safe as far as commitment is concerned too.
Maybe subconciously we are only able to commit to people we know won't stay. It makes us look good because outwardly we are not ever the cause of the breakups. We can be victims and invariably "right" and the other person is always to blame if we are to apportion blame.
I was tending to think more in terms of co-dependants as enablers, like non alcoholic people who stay with alcoholic people, enabling very different habits. Not so much that we mirror each other but that we have opposite behaviours that feed off each other.....
I have often wondered that too BN. I think maybe it's like being co-dependant, we have attractions to people like this who are attracted to a corresponding behaviour in us.
I don't think I have every issue ironed out by a long way or anything but just work on what I can, or what comes up at any given time.
I started off at a disadvantage socially, so had to become introspective and watch people and situations at a very early age, so it almost became part of who I am.
I still don't always recognise or have names for certain behaviours, which is why threads like this are invaluable.
That's great advice. Pity we often can't talk about this, and other things like this, with the people we get involved with.....
Not saying I don't have issues or behaviours that need looking at, but I'm prepared to do that when and if they come up, with someone who is willing and open enough for that.....
The "middle" begins at the very moment that the active runner starts to feel so secure in someone else's love that he or she begins realistically to consider commitment. This often coincides with an event that is associated with a deepening attachment. The decision whether or not to be part of this "event," be it something as simple as celebrating a holiday together or as complicated as the joint purchase of a home, brings on the first rumblings of panic. As fantasy recedes and reality starts to take its place, the active avoider starts placing boundaries and begins to express ambivalence and/or resentment.
Can't say in all honesty that I have personally done this, but have experienced the results of it in my last two partners. One just left, sending a "dear john" e mail , a week after a holiday together, that at the time appeared wonderful and we got on great.
The other one after meeting family, turned into some kind of demon overnight, so I used his anger and bad/irrational behaviour to cause him to want to leave, so you might say I assisted the process.
Neither were willing to talk about what was going on with them.
I admire what you are trying to do here Ambrose and I agree if more people put more effort into sorting themselves out with a view to having better relationships, we would all be a lot happier and have more hope for the future. This is probably one of the best gifts we could give ourselves.
I think when you are ready for it and make up your mind you want it NOW, then it will happen. Sometimes we miss seeing the special things in people because we are blinkered and therefore dont find the love we want. You often hear people who get together saying that he/she was right here all along. It's true, we just aren't in a place in our minds to see and accept it
Ambrose, how about we just take one of these questions and discuss it? See how people feel about it and what they think it means in relation to themselves? Then when we are all talked out , give us a hint as to what to do about it........
gingerb Forum Posts (4,139)
RE: The Active Avoider - Is this you??
Always wondered what you used...........