First, you must learn how to pronounce Newark.... It is New-erk, not New-ark. (Actually, it's pronounced 'NORK'.)
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3.. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the Garden State Parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered 'Wussy.'
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Monmouth County, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. EVER. It's another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit 'more exciting'.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebrities, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items.
9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do. And all the Turnpike EZ pass lanes are moved each night, once again to make your ride 'more exciting'.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
Follow these simple tips and perhap you should make it through the day alive in New Jersey ...
for those tired of the same old jokes over & over here's one I wrote moments ago.
It was announced today that President Obama selected Pittsburgh Steeler owner, Dan Rooney as the ambassador to Ireland. I'm not joking. Look it up. Rooney was a long time Republican who supported Obama during his campaign. He has also been involved in a charitable Irish organization.
There's no truth to the rumors, that;
St. Pattys Day colors will switch from traditional green to black and yellow,
The St. Patricks Day Parade will now include funky end zone dances,
nor will the Protestants be subjected to frequent blitzes.
An elderly widower was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. During dinner he was quite impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: "Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, Honeypie", etc.
The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly it appeared, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the widower leaned over to his host and stated, "I think it's truly wonderful, that after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell the truth," he said, " I forgot her name last year and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is".
No, actually, we have it up to 3 times per year. Indeed, this is a year where we have 3. The next (last) one is November 13th. It happens for all months where Sunday is the first day of the month.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?"
"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, being pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks, as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
Honestly, that is very true. A whisper does often draw someone (who diesn't have hearing problems) in. Don't try this if your lover wears a hearing aid. Instead, move your mouth, but don't say anything at all. This will get them to turn the aid up.
JimNastics Forum Posts (731)
I had recently. Take a look if you like.
Official Instructions for driving in NJ
How to drive in New JerseyFirst, you must learn how to pronounce Newark.... It is New-erk, not New-ark. (Actually, it's pronounced 'NORK'.)
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3.. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph.
On the Garden State Parkway it's 105 or 110.
Anything less is considered 'Wussy.'
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Monmouth County, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. EVER.
It's another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit 'more exciting'.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebrities, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items.
9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do. And all the Turnpike EZ pass lanes are moved each night, once again to make your ride 'more exciting'.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
Follow these simple tips and perhap you should make it through the day alive in New Jersey ...
You gotta problem wit dat ???