Why we can be drawn into Destructive Relationships

Even if we consciously desire a relationship where we feel loved and supported, we unconsciously may be driven by a need to resolve childhood experiences that were the opposite of that fantasy. This can influence us, again and again, to act against our better judgment.

If our conscious thoughts and feelings ruled over all the decisions that we made, then probably every relationship in the world would be a happy and satisfied one. We seek partnerships that will make us feel loved, appreciated and supported. But many of us end up in situations where there is more conflict than love, more criticism than support. How can this happen, when we would never choose a destructive relationship? The culprit here is our unconscious – the whole realm of beliefs and feelings that we're unaware of, but which influence our actions and choices every day.

Your unconscious mind actually has an agenda, in a sense. Oftentimes, it is driven by difficult and painful childhood experiences. These are typically events that we were too small and inexperienced, at the time, to know how to cope with. Unconsciously, we look for "second chances" to confront these events and resolve them. For example, say that you have hidden pain around a parent who was emotionally unavailable to you. You may have grown up to say, "I want a partner who will meet me emotionally – someone who will show up." Unconsciously, however, you still want to resolve the troubling circumstance with the parent. Therefore, you inevitably find yourself drawn to a person who is distant and aloof.

These kinds of dynamics occur all the time within partnerships. We can become our own worst enemies when we gravitate to people with whom (we sense) we can complete the "unfinished business" of childhood. You might look at a friend and wonder how she can remain in a relationship where she's obviously not being respected. But your own relationship can be dysfunctional in ways that seem normal to you.

Unconsciously, we see difficulties in a prospective partnership as opportunities. But they're really only opportunities once we become aware of the unresolved issues that we're trying to work through. Otherwise, the relationship will only be stagnant (at best) or abusive (at worst). The unconscious drive is so strong that it can make it really difficult to leave a partnership, even one that is blatantly unhealthy. We'll keep thinking that maybe we deserve the situation that we're in, or maybe it will all change as soon as we can get the other person to change in a certain way. It never works so long as we're still grappling with feelings left over from childhood – especially when we have no idea what those feelings may be.

If you find yourself repeatedly drawn into relationships that are destructive, in one way or another, the only way to break the pattern is to become conscious of what you're really trying to work through in those situations. Sometimes this can be accomplished alone. Other times it may require professional counseling or therapy to get to the root of the compulsion. We always get the relationship that we've asked for – even if we didn't do so consciously. Becoming conscious of our underlying reasons can empower us to make different – and healthier – choices.