Is Loneliness Preferable to a Mismatched Marriage?
Most of us have read or heard about the depressing statistics regarding marriage and divorce. Roughly half of all marriages end prematurely; and of those remaining, many more linger on unhappily. It may be argued that those people in the latter group are even more unfortunate than those who are divorced. It all begs the question as to whether or not it might be preferable to simply remain alone rather than become entangled in a committed relationship where there's little or no compatibility between partners.
The decision to marry – or not - is one of the most momentous ones that many of us will ever have to make, and yet all too often it is taken lightly. When faced with the question of what they look for in a person whom they'd want to share their life with, many people will list a handful of "essential" qualities – such as good looks, sense of humor, sexual chemistry, and financial security – and consider this to be enough of a basis upon which to build a lifelong partnership. But this is a thin baseline that leaves little room for our deeper aspirations, needs, and desires. Nor does it take into account all of our little habits and quirks that become much more obvious to someone who lives with us day in and day out.
Oftentimes, the dissolution of a marriage isn't anyone's fault. It's not the doing of one bad, abusive person or the other. It's simply a matter of two people traveling along different roads in life and not intersecting often enough to give genuine support and affection to each other. In many cases the initial physical attraction overshadows everything so that couples don't really start to see how incompatible they are until the passion that they feel for each other cools. Unfortunately, the consequences of choosing the wrong person to marry can be devastating. This is especially true if children are involved and divorce affects the relationship that they have with both parents. Even childless marriages, however, can end with a lot of bitterness, regret, confusion, and disillusionment. And that disillusionment can spill over into our next relationships – or else we may feel so disenchanted that we stop trying altogether.
Usually there were warning signs early on to indicate that our partnerships were headed for such an end. There are many reasons why we may ignore such red flags: fear of being alone, concern for the way that other people have invested in our marriages, the way that mutual attraction can confuse our senses and reasoning abilities, and so on.
Some people will go through a whole series of poor marriages and divorces in a perpetual search for the one. Others will tough out a partnership that is mismatched, perhaps even with the help of a therapist or marriage counselor. It often happens that a person is so frightened of being alone that he or she never stops to consider that time spent alone might actually be more enjoyable than time spent in a relationship that's untenable. In the end, having no relationship at all is a healthier and happier situation than a bad marriage.