THE PULITZER COLONOSCOPY
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. (see comment)
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
Comments (10)
That is funny. The part about "briefly passing through Minneapolis"
The whole blog is funny, but as you say, it is actually no joke as a medical procedure. I've not had that done yet, but a friend of mine told me he actually joked to the doctor afterwards,
"Hey, how come when you did the procedure, your two hands were on my shoulders?"
and before the procedure, he said,
"Doc, come on, at least wine and dine me a little. I'm not that easy."
Kidding aside, I'm glad the results of the procedure were good and healthy for you Jim.
Thanks for the fun blog.
Wishing you many health and happy days.
Thank you. When I got this, I thought I wanted to share a good laugh with everyone. BTW, I have had this procedure done a couple of times. It is not fun!
How have you been? Good to see you here!
Glad you stopped by! This joke is not about me or anyone I know. I had a couple of these done in my lifetime but not as bad as this.
The most chilling part I thought on the moviprep instructions is where it says 'you ideally should be running clear'.