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it's almost a summer's night
the green has populated the barren earth, extending
vines, curling and crawling
unkempt weeds are blooming, falsifying beauty
while the flowers are still birthing from stems, growing
there is the cold incense burning, under rays, spreading
cut grass, glowing, in nostrils, flaring
it's almost a summer's night
premature improvements, anticipating
gatherings, of friends, outdoors, beers pouring
fires burning, meat cooking on coals, glowing
smoke delivering, making mouths water, noses sniffing
windows open, revealing indoor sounds, outdoors
bare legs are vulnerable to razors and bugs, biting
it's almost a summer's night

Never, never, never, never, never, never, ever, ever, lost your head for a va*ina.

What if there’s more than one kind of long term relationship? Like, even if the junk is superficial, it can still stand the test of time.

I also watched a few movies where the wife, not any husbands, suffered memory loss and had to reconnect with their spouses. What if we all had to reconnect intimately to a stranger? Could it be done? Can we make magic by the suggestion of magic?

I know there’s such a thing as chemistry. What a concept to meet a long time lover for “the first time”. Shit like this makes me wonder

I have been on and off C S since I joined. It seems like all my blogs are still here. What’s with that?

I am dying to find each and every person whom I offended.
My tragedy is, I remember them but they have forgotten me
.

I comply, flexibly, like a willow
He sweeps me over with gentle hands
As if I am water, soft waves pushed
I am his doll, for him to play with
I trust him beyond the furthest point
I move closer to the other side of the world
I feel him, I hear him, I smell him, I savor him
As a new bud savors the sun, this vintage rose does still bloom

Nine years I’ve known some of the characters here.

I recovered my old email and read things I posted in 2009.

I noticed, my life hasn’t changed that much. The same issues have stayed with me these 9 years. I suspect things will be as unchanged 9 years from today.

The upside is, I made it this far. I should survive the next 9 years.

Feeling sad, feeling more focused
Feeling The Big Goodbye
Although it was my wish
And this new freedom energizes me

The goodbye still manifests while I move forward
In missing what was good and briefly forgetting the bad

Survival is a mystery and genetically designed
My buoyancy always taking me to the surface, to take another breath

Goodbyes are sad. Like fresh flowers on their last days
Preserved on jpg and floating in the internet, like ghosts

I try to talk to my ghosts
I tell them it’s time to cross over
With a candle lit, I talk to spirits, calling a truce and asking for forgiveness

I’ve been thinking about something that was said to me. It has temporarily given me the idea to consider being a couple. No, there isn’t anyone known that I might consider being in a relationship with. It’s simply a break in my “no relationship “ mantra.

My recent back story is the dumping of a financial and emotional parasite. You know the type. The ones who will say and do anything to remain in an arrangement that provides food and shelter...

I’ve had poems proclaiming love, a proposal of marriage etc. still, I dumped his a**. Since then, this individual has written poems and proposed marriage to 3 other women in 3 month’s time. This has confirmed the fact that his words are all bull shit.

The above news doesn’t shock or sadden me. I got out alive lol.

Back to what was said to me...a simple sentence that, even with my latest blunder, makes me consider.

Like the pain of childbirth and kidney stones, I am beginning to forget the reasons why I want to remain single. It’s as if I have a case of amnesia.

I think amnesia is my method of coping. Unfortunately, I don’t trust myself enough to try again.

I’m on a slippery slope. That’s it from me today.

I work in a retail environment, a department store. I know the atmosphere has changed over time, just as consumer travel has changed.

There was a time when people dressed up to travel and shop. Both activities seemed more prestigious. If you watch any old show or film, the characters were usually dressed impeccably. Men wore hats, women wore hats and gloves. Accessories weren't tacky or dated. There seemed to be an order to things. As if work and home life were stable enough to present ourselves as "together" in more ways than one.

I am sitting in a department store that is empty but for the employees and a few customers. There has been a pallor on the face of retail. The coordinated lips and nails are gone. Fancy brooches and rhinestone clip on earrings have been shed. The atmosphere is dull except for the occasional frivolous shopper. Luxury for the mainstream has been substituted with fancy phones and active wear.

Two things have made me contemplate this. One, the possibility of my store closing due to bankruptcy, the second, two films I recently watched again. I usually watch a film I like numerous times, so, I have given thought to the aura of the films, not only the main plot. Tonight, I focus on the characters of both films, "The Danish Girl" and "Carol".

If you haven't seen these films, "The Danish Girl" is about the first man to attempt sex reassignment. "Carol" is the story of a woman acknowledging her sexuality. What on earth could these characters have to do with retail? Only I would make a connection. lol In "The Danish Girl", after living as a female, she takes a job in a department store and she glows with excitement. Her smile is electric. Her supervisor is very respectful and her statement "we are all performers" as if in a great play, to provide the ultimate shopping experience. In "Carol" the female character is shown in the same retail environment, but the experience if far from magical. Her supervisor is a cold, negative character and the position of store clerk is a hair above garbage left blowing across a New York City sidewalk. Is the vast difference because one character wants to fit in and be accepted, accepting the stereotype that goes with it, while the other feels she doesn't fit in, she has other aspirations?

Do we feel like garbage in our jobs because we aren't fulfilled elsewhere? Are we longing to play a role, to have at work what we don't have at home? In the end, I think we all take on roles in order to survive.
"we are all performers".