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Mother writes to her son « Thread Started on Apr 1, 2007, 2:35am »
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.
Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off as long as he could, so he drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send you another one.
Please go back to my first post. I am almost 71 and being approached by guys 24, the youngest so far, 30-40,50 year olds that is nuts! I am not into robbing the cradle or am I a teacher. lol
My late husband was 6 1/2 years younger, perfect, as most women live longer.
I was not talking about ten years at the most.
I am talking about MUCH younger. I would feel like I am going to bed with my son.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.By my calculations,three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.I refer,of course,to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit,has been in place for only eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone
calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you,I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become
From now on,I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments
will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,but will
arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelopePlease find
attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete . I am sorry it runs to eight pages , but
in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me , there is no alternative . Please note that all
copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by
a Notary Public , and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation ( income , debts , assets and liabilities )
must be accompanied by documented proof . In due course ,
at MY convenience , I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but , again , I
have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service
As they say , imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
Let me level the playing field even further When you call
me , press buttons as follows :
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING , PRESS THE STAR ( * )
BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1 . To make an appointment to see me
#2 . To query a missing payment .
#3 . To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
#4 . To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5 . To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature
#6 . To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home
#7 . To leave a message on my computer , a password to
access to my computer is required . Password will be
communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier .
#8 . To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
through 7 .
#9 . To make a general complaint or inquiry . The contact will
then be put on hold , pending the attention of my
automated answering service .
#10 . This is a second reminder to press * for English
While this may , on occasion , involve a lengthy wait ,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call
Regrettably , but again following your example , I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement May I wish you a happy , if ever so slightly less
prosperous New Year ?
Your Humble Client
( Remember : This was written by a 86 year old woman )
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
It burned my ...too..I will soon be 71 but let me asure you I am far from dead yet. A lot of men are done in their 50-60th and when 70? forget it. But here again NOT all men! These things are indeed induvidual.
---WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things
like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if
we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED.
''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN
WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE
DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO
THE AIRPORT.''
GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET
AS SMART AS HIM!
It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they
blame their dog.
Send this to other grandparents, almost grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone. It will make their day.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.....
And then the fight started.... ************************************************************************ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest hest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started..... *********************************************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked,' Do you know her?' Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started..... ********************************************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started..... **********************************************************************
>>> A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN >>> ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND >>> MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. >>> > >>> >THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO >>> SEE HER TICKET. >>> SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY >>> CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL >>> HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. >>> > >>> >THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M >>> BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M >>> STAYING RIGHT HERE." >>> > >>> THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS >>> THE PILOT AND THE >>> COPILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST >>> CLASS THAT BELONGS IN >>> ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. >>> > >>> THE COPILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO >>> EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE >>> ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN >>> TO HER SEAT. >>> > >>> THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M >>> BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND >>> I'M >>> STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THe cOPILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD >>> HAVE THE POLICE WAITING >>> WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO >>> WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. >>> > >>> THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL >>> HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO >>> A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." >>> > >>> HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND >>> SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M >>> SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT >>> IN ECONOMY. >>> > >>> THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND COPILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK HIM >>> WHAT HE SAID TO >>> MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. >>> > >>> > >>> >"I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO >>> HOUSTON."
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? "Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8) "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date" (Mike, 10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding" (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours" (Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?? "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble" (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular" (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful" (Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life" (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long" (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful" (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet" (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time"(Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them" (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television" (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me" (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love - I'm finding fourth grade hard enough" (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills" (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores" (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love" (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat . French fries usually works for me" (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love" (John, 9)
The fad seems to be today for a lot of women to want boy toys. Well I think this is totally nuts.
I have had mostly guys in their 30-50 and younger, email me. They all "soo love" older women. They can teach us. Oh really? well guys I am still learning myself.
What can you have in common with kids so young, you can't spent all your time in bed. Besides If he could be my son, age wise, I could never go there.
Jade could I adopt you? I never had children and I picture it must be SO nice to have a grand daughter that adores her grandma so much. You have a loving heart kid.
Can you help finding your grandma someone to be her friend? Does she go anywhere she could find someone?
I am seriously looking. I want to find back what I lost. I soo miss the closeness that a commited relationship brings. To find him there next to me when I wake up.
So far have met someone that soon became a control freak, was eager to get married in a hurry, a few that lied about their age and height.
But I know the one for me IS out there. I have still too much to give to waste it.
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a dozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt.
I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower pitter-patter. "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies.
It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like Lloyd Bentsen telling Americans they are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. it was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater) had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
God Talks to St. Francis: GOD: Frank , you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS : Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS : Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it--sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS : Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS : No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS : Yes, Sir
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
When still had an encyclopedia I was asked why do you have them lined up the wrong way. Wrong to whom? From right to left if I remember? Should read from left side.
hollandgirl Forum Posts (4,464)
A mother writes her son.........................
Should have put in the heading "funny" but didn't eyse