You're So Vain....

"You logged into blogland like you were walking on to a yacht
Your words strategically placed along the lines
Your pic, it was fairly dark
You had one eye on the webcam, and watched yourself smirk
And all the men dreamed that they'd be your 'cammer,
They'd be your 'cammer, and....

You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this blog is about you
Don't you? Don't you?"

With apologies to Carly Simon.

How many people, when they read that, thought "why is she writing about me?" Or, is that me, or is that so and so? How many people assumed that it was about them? Or someone here? Hmmm?

A major reason that we develop suits of armor, is because we assume that the other person knows what's in our heads. We assume their intentions, their motivations, and that their perceptions are the same as ours. We assume we know what's in their heads, and make up all kinds of stories in our heads to suit those assumptions. And sometimes, in a disagreement, we accuse them of those assumptions, without ever asking.

And how many of us have been dead wrong? And felt quite foolish afterwards for having assumed something that wasn't true at all? We assume that we're not only the centre of our own universe, but that we're the centre of others, as well. Ummm... no.

We all live in our own heads, with different perceptions based on our life experiences, and what we've been taught. So, when we're hurt or angry by something someone says, we assume they know what our experiences have been, and that they're attempting to upset us deliberately. But, how can a mere acquaintance know our experiences and what our buttons are?

Even in close relationships, we assume others intent and meaning. And then they assume ours. And before you know it, the fight is on, both assuming what the other one means. Neither one listening to each other. Sometimes, the intent is to hurt or retaliate for a perceived hurt on their end. And round and round it goes.

So how do we get off this carousel?

Learn to be impeccable with your word and to stop taking anything personally. Stop making assumptions. Instead of assuming other things are about us, start asking questions, in a calm and reasonable fashion. Start stating what we really want. Not words cloaked in manipulation, but clear concise statements about what we want and need.

The more we don't take anything personally, and don't make assumptions, the more we can communicate with others clearly to avoid misunderstandings.

How making assumptions works. Someone says something to us, and we start weaving a story in our heads - a negative story, about why they said what they did, and what they meant. So we write this huge mental story around them, assuming that it's true. Of course, if it is true, then we feel fairly self-righteous.

But many times, it isn't true. It's true for us, because that's our perception through our own eyes. Their perception may be entirely different, and unless we ask, we have no way of being able to clearly identify their intent or meaning.

So what if we didn't make any assumptions? What if we didn't assume we knew what was in other's heads, and stopped judging them negatively, because of what's in our own?

There'd be a lot less drama in our lives. We assume we know what others mean or think. We assume the worst, and judge others, based on the assumption that they have judged us. So if we stop assuming anything, we stop judging, we stop making up stories, and life becomes a lot less complicated. In fact, other people start to be a lot less threatening and a lot less frightening.

...cont in comments....