A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says..."Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is allowed only one!"
The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Three Irishmen and three Englishmen are traveling by train to a football match in London. At the station, the three English each buy a ticket and watch as the three Irish buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?", asks one of the English.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Irish.
They all board the train. The English take their respective seats but all three Irish cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect the tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Irish (like always !) on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Irish don't buy a ticket at all !
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed English.
"Watch and learn..." says one Irishman.
When they board the train the three Irish cram into a toilet and soon after the three English pile into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Irish leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the English are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."
Three Irishmen and three Englishmen are traveling by train to a football match in London. At the station, the three English each buy a ticket and watch as the three Irish buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?", asks one of the English.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Irish.
They all board the train. The English take their respective seats but all three Irish cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect the tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Irish (like always !) on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Irish don't buy a ticket at all !
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed English.
"Watch and learn..." says one Irishman.
When they board the train the three Irish cram into a toilet and soon after the three English pile into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Irish leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the English are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."
Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500."
"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000!"
"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000, OK?"
"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know to whom this phone belongs?"
A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer,"" the man said, ""I can explain."
"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said KEEP QUIET! You're going to jail!" A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""
"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell...."I'm the groom!"
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
Once, there was a middle-aged man who had four daughters. After coming home from a stressful day at work, he sat down to watch a baseball game. He is then interrupted by a knock at the door. There stands a young man. The father then asks, "May I help you?"
The boy says, "Hi. My name is Jim, I'm here to see Kim. We're going for a swim - can I come in?"
The father, amused, lets the boy in and calls his daughter, and the couple head out.
He once again sits down to watch T.V. Startled by the doorbell, he gets up to answer the door. Once again, there stands a young man. He says, "Hi, my name's Eddie, I'm here to see Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti - is she ready?"
The father, now perplexed, says, "Yes," and proceeds to call his daughter, and the couple leaves.
The man sits down once again. As luck would have it, he was interrupted from his baseball game again. He answers the door and sees yet another young man standing there. The boy says, "Hi my name's Joe. I'm here to see Flo - we're going to the show. Can she go?"
The man, now slightly annoyed, calls his daughter down, and the two leave.
Expecting to sit down to a quiet game of baseball, the father starts to relax just as the doorbell rang yet AGAIN! What he sees does not shock him. Another young man is standing there. "May I help you?" asks the father.
A couple goes into an ethnic restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings the meal in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly. She briefly sees two beady little eyes before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief!" she says, "did you see that?" The husband reaches for the pot. Again the lid rises, and two little eyes look around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"So sorry," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck."
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, Showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her Laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Monte go Bay, Jamaica.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America” Explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.
'We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'
'We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
'We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?
She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
'And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after.'
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Monte go Bay, Jamaica.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America” Explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.
'We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'
'We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
'We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?
She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
'And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after.'
1. say"Oh crap!" 2 wonder what the hell I've gotten myself into 3. My stomach would never forgive me for all the stress.... 4. wonder what idiots put me there. 5. want to run away and hide. 6. Shake from fear 7. Have trouble trying to say anything. 8. Say "Oh Sh-t this is nuts. 9 want to throw up. 10. try not to laugh and cry at the same time while looking like a total idiot.
When there is a will there is a way..... tolerance, acceptance, patience, and find away to manage it.
Imagine a woman complaining about her husband's snoring, but when he got sick one time and was in the hospital.... she missed that sound.
Now she does not complain because it means he is home, a live and safe.
When I was over visiting one day, he was a sleep in his chair, and when he started to snore, this time she did not go over to wake him up, she nodded her head and smiled and told me, she is glad to have that sound in her house again and regrets all the yrs she spent nagging and complaining about it. If ever, I hope I am as patient and understanding as she is.
KHD100 Forum Posts (2,495)
Welcome to the group.
RE: Dating Someone On Disability
Bravo, that is a start/step in the right direction. Even if you both decide you are great friend only, a friend is better than none.Am Glad for you tunzrok.
May I ask, did you meet on here? or another singles site? Just curious nothing more.