The Frigid Midgets

Part 1

Mrs. Crompton was cycling home to her little cottage in the village when she came upon two diminutive, downcast figures sitting on the grassy bank by the side of the track. She had a very caring nature and so could not help but stop and ask the reason for their sad demeanour.

“We’ve lost our jobs and been turned out of the big house, where we were employed by Mrs. Strong-Cummings, or her ladyship, as we used to call her,” said one of the small characters. “Now we have nowhere to live, and don’t know where our next meal will come from.”

“Oh dear me,” said Mrs. Crompton, “what was your work at the big house, and why were you turned out?”

“We’ve got special talents, as you might call them,” he continued. “We were taken on by her ladyship as pleasure midgets, and she kept us busy most evenings. Then, all a sudden, we lost our urges, and no amount of talent is any good without the urges. She put up with it for about a week before she said as how a pair of frigid midgets was no good to her, and sent us a packing.”

Mrs. Crompton was very moved by their story, although she didn’t dwell for too long on the nature of their previous occupation. “Look’” she said, “I’ve got a large garden, and now I’m getting older, it is too much work for me to look after it properly. I can’t afford to pay you anything I’m afraid, but if you would like to come and look after my garden for me, I will give you food and a place to sleep.”

The midgets looked at one another and their little faces broke into beaming smiles. “Oh yes! they both cried out together.”

“Do you two little gentlemen have names?” asked Mrs. Crompton.

“I’m Wam,” said one, “I’m Bam,” said the other.

“PLeased to meet you Wam and Bam, now if you both jump into the basket on the front of my bicycle, it’s time we were getting home for tea.”
And off they sped along the track, towards the village and Mrs. Crompton’s little cottage.

After tea, when Mrs. Crompton had shown Wam and Bam where they would sleep, the three of them chatted about this and that, and Mrs. Crompton asked the midgets about their life at the big house. They told her about her ladyship’s lavish dinner parties, where she would get them to entertain her guests with their very unusual and amusing party trick. They described how a guest would be asked to put a small, personal object into a wooden box, and they -blindfolded and not allowed to use their hands- would have to identify what that object was. Mrs. Crompton didn’t hear all of the story; she found that she “would quite like another cup of tea”, and went off to make it before it was finished.


Next morning, straight after breakfast, the midgets were shown the garden, and given their instructions for the day. Not much was required of them; all they had to do was remove the dead roses from their stems, and pull up all the weeds from between the rose bushes. They enjoyed the work, and turned out to be very efficient at it. On the second day, they were shown how to tend the herb garden, and how to grow new plants from seed, in the greenhouse.