Oh yes, it is Saturday and on Saturdays, musing at the farmer's market, I have to speak in German and I begin to think.
About how we view words.
I, do not see selfish as always being bad. You are not a selfish person, no person is, but we can have selfish behaviour which is good.
Attaching the word selfish to what you went through would not be a term that jumped into anyone's head, because of the meanings of the word. And we cannot change what the dictionary says at all, but we can learn ourselves that being selfish is not always a bad thing. I certainly have.
But you have worded it all beautifully. No glorification of any word Kansan and certainly not trying to make people see it any other way than they want.
Simply an exploration of thoughts and how we do express ourselves.
Also, as in learning a language, when for instance an Austrian says the word 'kommt jetz!' Which is come now, it does not mean they are being rude, yet if I was to say to a person in England in English 'come now' the response would be 'Who do you think you are ordering me around?'
So, with the thread title, 'Love is selfish' which makes us all think that love is not selfish.
Love is selfish in what it makes us do as people. We have to become selfish before we can become unselfish to be able to love those around us.
I quite fancy studying more about Buddhism. Because I think it is suited to me as a person.
We name 'tough love' as a good love to deliver to another one who is troubled and to help out.
Would you say that my ex husband who had his affair was being selfish towards me? Is that bad selfish or good selfish?
Do we become confused about the state of mind that being selfish causes us?
When I forgave my husband recovered from the marriage breaking down and I took the time to look at myself regardless of what his behaviour was in the whole mess. I became totally selfish.
I was totally selfish in my last relationship, going through my own personal battles and did not share them with my partner because I loved him and did not want to 'trouble him' that was selfish of me, because I did not allow him to help me. But I thought by being selfish it was a good thing.
What I am saying is that selfish is not just a bad word. It can be a good word. So if the selfishness causes hurt and devastation it is not good. But if the selfishness like the Dalai Llama's is good then how people criticise it?
Like honesty, we all believe that honesty is the best way forward. Yes it is, so we don't break laws and we don't hurt.
But really, if honesty was to cause complete chaos and devastation, is honesty always a good thing?
Wonderful. Now you are moving Kansan, because it is a challenge.
Hum, growing my own and having a little plant on my kitchen window and just eating them myself would be indeed selfish of me. How selfish I do not know.
But I would be less selfish when I had people for dinner and shared them. Like my pens and pencils at school, I do not let the students use them. I guard them as a lioness protecting her cubs.
I don't want them coming back chewed, broken and trashed. Am I being selfish? Yes.
Because why the hell don't my students have their own pencils? They are students.
Hey you Kansan... I like that statement, you know I do. One statement I have always remembered you for.
We are not being selfish in loving those we love, that is not selfish at all.
I am talking about an individual being selfish inwards, towards themselves. Not to others.
And when we are in love, we are consumed by a huge great feeling that we indulge ourselves in it and we enjoy it. Like eating a big fat cake when on a diet... We know we want it and we shouldn't have it, therefore we are being selfish in eating that cake and it is not a crime.
If a person expects you to do that cut yourself from your life and be insular and co dependant on them only, then that is mean and punitive.
I am using the word 'selfish' to promote it in a good way as opposed to bad.
It is okay to be a bit selfish, when we love a person and say no, I want to be with them. It is okay to be selfish when we want to have some time alone. It is okay to be selfish to ourselves. That is what I am talking about. We are raised to believe that selfish is bad. Like when we would not share our sweets with our little brothers, I was told 'Don't be selfish'
However, we as people are selfish. I am greedy, selfish and like being that way.
Isn't it selfish of us, to want and demand from a partner that they drop everything and deal with us?
I agree with the no limit to loving people. I love many people, who are in my life.
Opening up the discussion was not just about being faithful, although that is something that I offer and I expect in return, it is about our whole being and there are many degrees of selfishness in love. Certainly with our children and with our partners.
Being unselfish in giving yourself and only your whole self to one is bliss and generous, but then for ourselves as people, there is selfishness in our thoughts.
Well, we only become unselfish in the partnership.
I mean imagine, if you fell in love and committed yourself to one woman, how bloody shellfish is that when you deprive millions of women with your dashing good looks and charm???? Eh, eh???
So it is easier for a man to form a relationship with a woman and a child that has had the opputunity to form relationships with other people, then a man to enter a relationship with a woman who is pregnant and the child has not yet bonded with any person?
I ask this to the men any who care to answer. And of course ladies too..
I think this is a very valid question as many times has been mentioned that a child should not have many men in the mother's life.
If there is one man, in that child's life from birth to adulthood, is that not better for a child and the mother than a stringload of relationships in a child's life of six or seven?
If this pregnant woman was my daughter, I am really stepping it up a notch here, if it was, would I be encouraging her to be out looking for dates, no. But if she happened to fall in love, say if she was out at an event, and that man agreed to raise that child with her because he loved her and wanted to do that, then I would be in support of that.
Some posts have mentioned that they knowing what they feel like at seven months do not feel like dating, which is fine, I have been seven months pregnant and I was married to the father of the children.
So I cannot state how I would feel. I can however, not judge this young woman and tell her that she should forget about love and not have a relationship because it will not be good for the child. I would be doing her a disservice along with many men.
People are assuming that this pregnant mum is out looking for dates and being promiscuous, she might be, we do not know that, nor do we know that she has not answered the question. It was a discussion and no person has to become defensive, if any person can it is the OP whose friend has been made to be something she may not be.
And the question was 'would a man date a pregnant woman? The ones that have said no, have not been disagreed with, the ones that have said yes have been questioned about their honesty.
Very strange. We expect men to say no, when a couple of them say yes, it is not accepted. I have no issue with either answer, if a man states no, he does not want to then I think fine. I have an argument when a person states that she should sit up and do nothing and think about her baby.
Still, it is a discussion and no, going out and being promicusous and being reckless and not caring her baby is one thing, falling in love and having a man take care of her is another. And the odd date if a gent wants to say 'let me take you for dinner to get you out a little' is in my eyes, damn well okay.
I am sorry, but if someone advised me, as a single pregnant mother this, I would be wanting to slit my throat, never mind consider dating.
I cannot possibly concur how you can draw the above conclusions from three sentences that this lady has posted has about her friend.
How do you know she cannot take care of herself? Because she became pregnant after a one night stand? How do you know she is expecting a man to pick up the slack. That is not what the OP asked about her friend. Tyhe question was 'would a man date a pregnant woman'
I do think you have been a little judgemental there of a woman that we know little about. I can talk, but even I cannot draw conclusions like that about a person from three sentences. You pull her apart and then wish her luck with an added 'she is going to need it' You make it sound she is about to undergo a death sentence for a crime committed. She had a one night stand, she got pregnant, it does not make her unable to take care of herself, her baby or indeed, not fall in love.
I have had cognitive behavourial therapy. It was brilliant for me. When I went into it, I had to keep my mind open and realise that it may not help me but it did.
Before I bore you all and fall off your chairs with how it worked for me, I will say that any therapy will not always give you the answers, it will only help you to find them, no therpists can make you feel better, they can help you to feel better.
I often emotionally raw and tearful after a therapy session and I was given 'homework' to do between sessions. CBT works on our inner child and we are taught to parent ourselves through difficult periods of time, it is an excellent use for people who feel that a partner is bring them down verbally as my ex partner did to me. I would aquire myself another daughter, I was asked if a person would be talking to my own daughter like that what would I do? I would remove her from thesituation and that keep her safe.
I would eat ice cream when I felt down to cheer me up, it works for children, I would hug a teddy bear and curl up after a long bath and feel completely safe, warm and a little happier.
I would buy a bag of candy and watch a movie and feel better. I had CBT for two years, it has worked, (anyone want to argue, go right ahead) I was shown how to remember my marriage as something that did work, because of the children we have. Not that it ended and I was devastated, because the hurt was balmed once the acceptance kicked in that it was over and accpetance is also something that children do easier than adults, they don't fight their feelings, we learn that as adults, they spill them out and say it how it is. Look at how we laugh at children's description of love. I read somewhere where a group of children were asked what the credit crunch was and an eight year old child said 'is that a new flavour of Ben and Jerry's'
I still, jump in puddles, curl up in my pyjamas and sit in wide wonder at thunderstorms, am I a child? No, I am a grown woman with children of my own.
But I know that I am stronger and that I am not so fragile and the two years of therapy worked for me and when I moved here, we continued it online.
It helped me because I allowed it to, I was like a jigsaw that was not put together, I needed assistance on knowing where to put the pieces and how to make them fit.
I would recommend CBT highly. It was worth it for me.
Sommerauer71 Forum Posts (12,414)
RE: WOMEN WILL ALWAYS BE INFERIOR TO MEN
Oh no!This is just too beautiful for me not to enter.