Family Blogs (544)

I have so very much recently received emails through this site from a whole lot of wonderful people. And it hit me. Quite a bit of them keep getting their profiles deleted and banned, then the emails would disappear. So I started looking at the pages and wow. Wasn't expecting that much nudity and such crass statements in the profiles. Especially when they keep directing people to off-site pages. Good on you for trying to turn a profit, but why not just do right by yourselves and the poor souls who pictures you're using and not post some unfortunate lady's nude pictures for the sake of blatent advertising? There are many wonderful words of encouragement and support coming from actual people and then even more coming from fake accounts that a couple have truly said amazing things that disappeared because unfortunately when they deleted your account they deleted your message as well. I took a nap for a while and decided to go through some text messages I kept receiving on the phone. I see an old pattern popping up on the phone that I have encountered many many times over the years. Full of sorrys, full of blame, full of begging and back to blaming. I am not amused at any of what I saw written to the phone. I am actually mortified that it is continuing the way it has with absolutely no shame. First the tears, then the pity, then blame, followed up with manipulation then back to blame. A whole lot of excuses that have been said many, many times. I put the phone down and turned over and did something I haven't been able to bring myself to do in years. I prayed. I spoke aloud to a higher being that more than likely had deaf ears. I got my thoughts and prayers out, and when I felt I was done I got up, put my boots back on and went for a walk around the businesses and just kicked a can around the corner. I still feel as though I had a conversation with the cab of a semi truck in vain. I don't know what to say about myself for having that feeling. If it was up to me I would have been better off without putting myself through the pain of looking. But that's a good lesson. It's not just a lesson but I don't have the words to describe just how disappointed I am. I cannot explain how much regret I have. And honestly, I cannot explain why it is so hard for me to stay on topic instead of drifting off upon the same tired bore of a subject. Please do not take offense to my drivel. Tomorrow morning I will write about something joyful in my heart. A goal and purpose I have had for many many years longer than any relationship I have encountered. A secret to none but myself that I have refused to face from the start and if it touches your heart and soul, and brings joy and hope and tears and laughter, then at least I completed part of my dreams that I have been too scared to realize for the sake of my own discord and insecurities. Once again thank you to everyone in this world for the good and the bad and everything in between. Until tomorrow, may there be nothing but peace and grace around all your loving places.

I pulled into tolleson, az this morning around 3 am. Was told there were no deliveries today and drove across the street to the company yard and shut down and took a small nap. When I woke up I decided I wanted a hot shower and a shave and a fresh set of clothes. I grabbed my bag of supposedly clean clothes and remembered that I didn't have a chance to dry them. Well when I tossed them into the bag they were still soaking wet because the washer I was using didn't have that good of a spin cycle. That was 4 days ago. I have looked on Craigslist at all the ads for people asking for help stating that they're willing to work for the money. I've contacted all of them. Nobody is willing to wash and dry one load of laundry for a hundred bucks. when I was a teenager, I'd have dug a hole to China for a five spot. I wasn't even asking for the clothes to be folded, just washed, dried and tossed back into the bag. I figured out a way around it all until I can get to a washer and dryer. I bought gas station clothes.

So, for the longest time I have been doing my best. In all things and aspects of life. I have given my all to everyone and everything I encountered. Not to say I didn't have my moments of selfishness and seclusion. I kept my faith, my love and my self esteem in check. I tried to find that inner peace in such a chaotic world outside and inside my home. I have tried my best for others to say it's not good enough. I sent my money to be paid to the bills and debts accrued under my name for the money to be selfishly spent on frivolous things and be told that it wasn't good enough. I have witheld my income to pay the debts myself to have games played and the money lost within those games to never be recovered. All I seek in this life is peace. I wish to have a family of my own someday no matter how selfish I've been told that is. Very recently I have been told by an emergency room that not only are the physical pains real but the emotional ones are real too. I have been told that I suffer from severe traumatic depression and PTSD induced by my prior relationship. I didn't want the violence. I didn't want the childish name calling and public outbursts of supposed affection that were only childish tantrums from a person who manipulated every one by playing the everything is ok card and when behind closed doors the hitting themselves and hurting everyone with words or physical acts. It scares me that for so long nobody believed it was happening. The same words would be said to me about how much I should try harder and do more. I was told that I was never supporting the other person. That they only supported themselves. Then I found out online that it was one of those things where they were gaining sympathy for something that wasn't happening. It broke my heart. It broke my soul. I helped raise two children who weren't even mine. Supporting their every need I possibly could. From the beginning there was talk of having more with me but because of a tubal ligation the year prior to us meeting, there would need to be a reversal done in order to achieve that goal. that's been hung over my head from the start just to be told everytime it came up that it was said just to keep me in the relationship. There have been many many arrests due to the violence and I have been hospitalized far too many times because of how I was raised to not hit those of the opposite side of the relationship. I have no clue what or why it all happened the way it always did. It got so bad the hospital gave me a social worker who told me to start filming everything because if I didn't it would be claimed like it has all along that it didn't happen. The last time I filmed it I was attacked so violently that I have internal bleeding and I will have permanent bite marks to the top of my skull in my hairline. I would have been arrested on the spot when the sheriff showed up if not for the sake of the video. I have tried for many years to peacefully go my separate way leaving every possession I have owned behind each and every time just to have to start over again. I wish nothing but peace in their life and the children's lives, because unfortunately I don't have the will to be beaten senseless anymore. I am ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be in this for so long. I only wanted peace out of life for everyone and everything around me. I do have my job. I will have to start over again with a home. And start again with another vehicle. But time will grant me those things as long as I keep to ky work. That's the only real thing I have in this world. My career. I can go anywhere and still have my trade. I just want to find peace in this world. Just peace. I wish nothing but peace upon anyone else who is hurt and feels like they are damaged because of their inability to free themselves of the pain of this world. It is a cruel place but I wish you all peace. Nothing but peace. Please remember that regardless of what others tell you, you are loved by someone somewhere. DJD

Random, stream of conciousness and associative thoughts

I've heard many stories from people who dealt with their Parents Alzheimer, some even as caretakers. Now I'm living my story of Dad and Alzeimers. Of course he is a changed man in so many ways, one of them being ironic with a touch of humor.

All my life I've known Dad to be a big quality meat eater. Mom not so much, she only wanted to eat a tiny piece of meat (for Dad's sake) she loved potatoes, greens and beans. Dad did not like what she liked.

It hurts to see my Father but it helps to know in his mind he is very content. He loves to sleep and he does.

The irony is this story is the hospital feeds him more greens and beans and he is loving it and won't eat his meat. For sixty years Mom wanted to cook greens and beans but didn't. I always took her some when I made them though.

The disease changed my Dad's eating habits and he doesn't even know it.

I'm reading some news this morning and see in a Tennessee hospital, baby Christina was born on 9/11 at 9:11pm weighing 9 pounds 11 ounces.
The mother said, "I knew she was gonna be a big baby, I didn't know how big"

The parents are looking on the good side of things from a day of mourning "There was too much devastation, but she's bringing all this joy and life into the world because everybody's been waiting on her."


Story link here:

My bro, sis, Mother and me had planned to go see my son's new house in Orlando, 100 mile trip before Hurricane Dorian scared us into cancellation. My son kept pushing me to come even saying we don't have to worry until Tuesday. I declined saying that we will still get a storm and no one wants to drive in a storm. He was not supposed to cook for us.

Late this afternoon my son texts me pictures of a food layout that represented Labor Day, ribs, salmon and so much more. I thought Italians over cook but the Chinese do too so there is always way too much food. Anyways my son sends me the pics to show what we are missing out on. 20 minutes later his wife sends me a pic of my son and his friend both out cold on the sofa with their mouths hanging open snoring. The food coma made me laugh. I just want to hug my daughter-i-L.

Now I get to tease my son that I'm glad I didn't drive a 100 miles to watch him sleep.

My niece and nephew are expecting their 2nd child... due around the end of this month.
Their 1st child, a girl will be two years old next month.
The second child is... (drum roll) a boy!

Appropriate to have a Hurricane baby on Labor Day weekend.

Finding a nice used vehicle for the twins. Being a car guy, can inspect and purchase right. Girls seem to love car. Has one of those AUX inputs---what the hell is that?!?! In proudly describing it to their mom, she hit me with a litany of reasonable negative cautionary statements, and I didn't react well. Pride comes before the fall, as tha Bard said. Girls gently mentioned that I could have been more diplomatic with mom. Apologized fortwith. Tail tucked firmly between legs. The art is long. But am slowly learning, with a little help from my friends.