Ambrose2007 Forum Posts (8,881)

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Hmmm...right on the cusp of "honeymoon" and "power struggle." Maybe you'll be one of those rare couples who pass right on through to eternal bliss?

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Yeah, for sure, if he doesn't achieve any "natural growth," he's probably gonna be quite a disappointment to the ladies!

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Yeah, I doubt Mira would recommend entering a relationship where you hate something about someone. But there are bound to be difficulties, especially when you leave the infamous "honeymoon phase" and enter the "power struggle phase" (I don't know what stage you're in with your bf, Mary; I'm guessing "honeymoon"?)

In the honeymoon phase, generally you're too hopped up on hormones and newness to be focused on changing someone. That part comes when you start discovering all those little, and not so little, irritating habits and quirks you were previously mostly blind to. Then the negotiations begin. How rough and tumble they'll be, of course, will depend on the individuals, but most if not all psychologists/therapists recognize the inevitability of the power-struggle phase.

Once you get through the power-struggle phase, however, you got a lotta bliss a comin' your way (sorry for lapsing back into South Dakotan; I'm practicing it whenever I can so my neighbors will stop staring at me cross-eyed when I speak )

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

True. But she asked me to take off my shirt...well, I drew the line there, believe me!

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

I was referring to that hypothetical dude who snarled: "I ain't a changin'" (Now if he'd said, "I ain't a gonna change," that might've been okay. )

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Yeah, that's true. It's when the requested change is a bit more difficult that things can become problematic.

For example, with my Canadian lady, she required upon my first moment's arrival that I remove my shoes. Now everyone knows that a real American man doesn't remove his shoes in the house. That's how he puts his stamp on things, you know?

But she gave one stern look at me, as though to say, "You're about to be one lonely American," and those damn shoes came off.

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Nitpicking about the word nitpicking. It really doesn't get any better than this.

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Maybe it's their poor grammar?

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Though I suppose in all fairness that people who say "I'm changing my partner" probably don't do well in relationships, either. She didn't talk about that in her book (at least not yet; I'm not quite finished!).

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

It might bear mentioning that her observation is based on a lot of years of counseling clients. She didn't just pull it theoretically out of thin air. Her therapeutic experience showed her that people who proclaim "I ain't a changin'" do poorly in relationships.

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Well, apparently she's been happily married for a few decades...

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Yup. Turns out change is easy.

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

You mean like the preferred spelling of nitpicking is hyphen-less?

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

I'm going to assume "sword play" is intended as a metaphor, H?

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Tony, I think you may be in need of an exorcism!

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

But how about making changes which benefit both parties (for instance, through negotiation)?

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Could be both or maybe just one. Most likely we wouldn't ask someone to change unless we believed that change would benefit us in some way.

For example, let's say I have a habit of tracking dirt in the house. My wife would like to see me change the behavior by removing my muddy shoes before entering. I don't mind tracking mud all over the place, so changing doesn't benefit me. But it seems fair, since my wife does most of the cleaning, and really dislikes dirt all over the floor. So I change my behavior.

But perhaps I should've proclaimed: "I'm not changing for anybody, nor do I expect anyone to change for me!!"

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Thanks, Mary. So you think author/therapist Mira is dead-wrong in my quote?

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

I've noticed that a lot of profiles proclaim something like: "I'm me and I won't change for anybody." When I read that, I think: "You won't need to." (You know, because they won't be with anybody. )

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

I think she's kinda cute (in an intellectual kind of way).

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Yeah, well, Tony, I'm sure she'll agree "we all want to change your head."

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Let me quote something from therapist Mira Kirschenbaum's TOO GOOD TO LEAVE, TO BAD TO STAY:

"If I wanted to write a prescription for how to have a doomed relationship...I'd have both people say I can't change. I won't change. I don't want to change, and I don't see a reason to change, but if we find each other, it's beautiful."

What do you think of this quote? (I think she's right on, myself )

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Well, I think we can agree that some kinds of basic changes are impossible (for example, changing one's basic personality). But there are lots of lesser changes which are possible, and may be desirable, no?

And of course I agree that we have to change for ourselves, ultimately. That doesn't preclude being inspired to change (in a positive way) by someone you love, does it?

RE: are you afraid of commitment?

Funny how often that happens.

I hope everything goes well for you.

RE: ratings

Not really that unusual, G. I usually just read my fave posters.

RE: ~~()~~People and their pets~~()~~

Four dogs and two cats in bed with you and your man...we must be talking super-duper-king-size bed, eh?

Congrats on your perfect love, E. Who's more deserving?

RE: ~~()~~People and their pets~~()~~

Oh - I meant DoberMAN. You know, this guy who likes Dobermans! Just in case you (quite understandably) misunderstood.

RE: ~~()~~People and their pets~~()~~

Well, I hope it works out with you and your Dobeman, Dobe. Sounds like a match made in Doggie Heaven.

My cat wants to sleep with me, too, but since I value my sleep (need it to refresh my mind and heavily exercised body!), my bedroom door's closed to prevent her from joining me at night. One or two awakenings in the middle of the night from her was enough to quash her presence in my bedroom.

RE: ratings

How did you discover this, G?