Here is a list of Humor Poems ordered by Most Commented, posted by members. Read poetry, post your own poems or comments. Poems on these pages are copyrighted © by the authors who entered them. Click here to post a poem.
The Army Rises
The rain calls them up away from their encampments to silently attack
They squirm near our feet as we walk the streets
I want to avoid them but darkness can`t wait
Squish!
Oops. My bad. Sorry.
The army grows and grows with each passing rain drop
Squish!
Does this look bad to my karma?
Under foot they go from round to flat
Their innards all over the place
They leave a trail of where they`ve come from to where they are going
Do they even have a clue?
Or are they trying to get martyred?
Preferring this death over being picked off by the birds or the fish...
The rain doth call the army...
The army of worms
They squirm near our feet as we walk the streets
I want to avoid them but darkness can`t wait
Squish!
Oops. My bad. Sorry.
The army grows and grows with each passing rain drop
Squish!
Does this look bad to my karma?
Under foot they go from round to flat
Their innards all over the place
They leave a trail of where they`ve come from to where they are going
Do they even have a clue?
Or are they trying to get martyred?
Preferring this death over being picked off by the birds or the fish...
The rain doth call the army...
The army of worms
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: May 2011
About this poem:
I often take walks at night, and can`t see the worms. I try not to step on them, but I sure do know when I do. What a weird feeling. Ick!Written 5-16-11 but created...in my head on the 14th lol
A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME....MR BOND..... (Part 3) lol
Meanwhile…..
A long way away from that dive in Casablanca……In a dodgy Hash Joint in down town Tehran, trainee Arch villain Ahmed Innajacket, (Who, it has been said, (Quietly), was the product of a union, between a Kasbah tradesman and a bad tempered Egyptian Camel, with aspirations for something higher in life).…..Contemplated someone’s demise over a hubbly bubbly, whilst absent mindedly, stroking Fatima….His very large muzzled ferret, with the half index finger on his right hand that she had kindly left him with…..She and her relatives, of which he kept about a thousand, were used to dining on human flesh, she was his favourite though, and if any man upset him, she always got first bite……Usually the most tender part of a his anatomy, as the hapless unfortunate, usually paid for his crime by being shackled to the floor by wrists and ankles, spread eagled, face up…..Then, Fatima would be released, only to claw her way up his trouser leg, and there she would stay, until she had finished dining, heedless of the mans screams…..Then, of course, the relatives were let in to the little dungeon…..Usually after about three hours, there were only a heap of bones, where once had been a human being…..It can be comfortably surmised at this point then, that our friend, mentioned above, may not be liked very much by anyone, but was respected by most….and though they might think, and be right, that he is not a nice man, they wouldn’t say so…….If they wanted to live, that is….
He was revelling in the atmosphere of the joint, even flashing the occasional smile to anyone who would be brave enough to walk past his place on the pile of silk cushions that he had brought back from Italy, where he had just spent the last five years…..
Five long years…….Learning how to run a family, Italian style….Starting as a Soldier at the bottom…up to Associate, Capo, Boss, and finally Godfather….. Robbing, Bludgeoning, stabbing, shooting, embezzling, and murdering as he went…..It had been a very pleasant five year holiday for him, but now he was on the next rung of the ladder to world domination….Because everybody knows that to be a successful Arch Villain, you must have a viable plan for world domination…..This takes a lot of original thinking, as most of the good ideas have already been taken and tried by other’s…..Such hero’s as Dr. No, Goldfinger, The Man with the Golden Gun, with that idiot of a dwarf he had…..He made a quick mental note….No dwarves as evil henchmen, it just doesn’t work!……The list was long and distinguished, and he had artists impressions of them all in oils, in gold frames in his private gallery….Not the dwarf though…..
“Yes“, He thought, “I have Aspirations!”
A long way away from that dive in Casablanca……In a dodgy Hash Joint in down town Tehran, trainee Arch villain Ahmed Innajacket, (Who, it has been said, (Quietly), was the product of a union, between a Kasbah tradesman and a bad tempered Egyptian Camel, with aspirations for something higher in life).…..Contemplated someone’s demise over a hubbly bubbly, whilst absent mindedly, stroking Fatima….His very large muzzled ferret, with the half index finger on his right hand that she had kindly left him with…..She and her relatives, of which he kept about a thousand, were used to dining on human flesh, she was his favourite though, and if any man upset him, she always got first bite……Usually the most tender part of a his anatomy, as the hapless unfortunate, usually paid for his crime by being shackled to the floor by wrists and ankles, spread eagled, face up…..Then, Fatima would be released, only to claw her way up his trouser leg, and there she would stay, until she had finished dining, heedless of the mans screams…..Then, of course, the relatives were let in to the little dungeon…..Usually after about three hours, there were only a heap of bones, where once had been a human being…..It can be comfortably surmised at this point then, that our friend, mentioned above, may not be liked very much by anyone, but was respected by most….and though they might think, and be right, that he is not a nice man, they wouldn’t say so…….If they wanted to live, that is….
He was revelling in the atmosphere of the joint, even flashing the occasional smile to anyone who would be brave enough to walk past his place on the pile of silk cushions that he had brought back from Italy, where he had just spent the last five years…..
Five long years…….Learning how to run a family, Italian style….Starting as a Soldier at the bottom…up to Associate, Capo, Boss, and finally Godfather….. Robbing, Bludgeoning, stabbing, shooting, embezzling, and murdering as he went…..It had been a very pleasant five year holiday for him, but now he was on the next rung of the ladder to world domination….Because everybody knows that to be a successful Arch Villain, you must have a viable plan for world domination…..This takes a lot of original thinking, as most of the good ideas have already been taken and tried by other’s…..Such hero’s as Dr. No, Goldfinger, The Man with the Golden Gun, with that idiot of a dwarf he had…..He made a quick mental note….No dwarves as evil henchmen, it just doesn’t work!……The list was long and distinguished, and he had artists impressions of them all in oils, in gold frames in his private gallery….Not the dwarf though…..
“Yes“, He thought, “I have Aspirations!”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jun 2011
About this poem:
Hope you are all following this!.....lol.....Andrew...xxx
The Name
George Elephant was unpretentious man,
A modest figure, spectacles on face.
He never did complain of his unusual name,
It was his choice to keep the same
And never to exchange it for a better name,
As did the owners of unfortunate names.
He was ridiculed in his college class,
Called by the names of animals
Both known and yet unknown by us.
All were playing tricks on him
And though he prided not in name of his
He bore those jests with much disdain
And never would concede to change his name.
When marrying he hoped, alas, in vain
It would make easier to bear strain,
But Jane, not ever minding her new name
Ridiculed him as much, and did exactly same
By mentioning his funny name
At any proper chance and any time of day.
So when he came to station and confessed
That he had killed his wife and now she's dead,
The case seemed obvious to them
With no defense to help him out of mess.
But for the lawyer of good fame
He would have pleaded much but all in vain.
When in a quest for facts of crime
His lawyer found with great surprise
About misery he was condemned to such
Because of mere name and nothing much,
And how ridiculed he had been by dear wife,
Sir Macintosh put forward a defense
Of madness act, by stressing that in fact
George Elephant was not in proper mind,
And doctors in defense corroborated that
By saying that his mind was quite deranged
With constant jokes related to his name.
George could have easily gone out of his mind
By the derisions of his most beloved wife,
That he no longer could control his acts,
This seemed to be quite plausible advice.
So George was found not guilty of the crime
Of murder of first class, and he was cleared thus,
His verdict was to serve just seven years,
But by that time his case caused interest to rise,
Voices in public were heard outloud
Denouncing mockery of names
Producing such objectionable fame.
Doctors wrote articles, so in the end
George’s sentence was brought down
To mere two more years in his cell.
And when he served his time and was free man,
He had a visitor, a priest with mind inclined
To help relieve his soul of burden of the crime.
And when the priest asked him to speak outright,
To tell him in his words the history of crime,
For though his mind was in a mess that time
It still was crime, no man could possibly deny.
To question: “What was motive of your crime?”
Was George’s sincere answer:“Nothing much,
I was in love with just another one.”
A modest figure, spectacles on face.
He never did complain of his unusual name,
It was his choice to keep the same
And never to exchange it for a better name,
As did the owners of unfortunate names.
He was ridiculed in his college class,
Called by the names of animals
Both known and yet unknown by us.
All were playing tricks on him
And though he prided not in name of his
He bore those jests with much disdain
And never would concede to change his name.
When marrying he hoped, alas, in vain
It would make easier to bear strain,
But Jane, not ever minding her new name
Ridiculed him as much, and did exactly same
By mentioning his funny name
At any proper chance and any time of day.
So when he came to station and confessed
That he had killed his wife and now she's dead,
The case seemed obvious to them
With no defense to help him out of mess.
But for the lawyer of good fame
He would have pleaded much but all in vain.
When in a quest for facts of crime
His lawyer found with great surprise
About misery he was condemned to such
Because of mere name and nothing much,
And how ridiculed he had been by dear wife,
Sir Macintosh put forward a defense
Of madness act, by stressing that in fact
George Elephant was not in proper mind,
And doctors in defense corroborated that
By saying that his mind was quite deranged
With constant jokes related to his name.
George could have easily gone out of his mind
By the derisions of his most beloved wife,
That he no longer could control his acts,
This seemed to be quite plausible advice.
So George was found not guilty of the crime
Of murder of first class, and he was cleared thus,
His verdict was to serve just seven years,
But by that time his case caused interest to rise,
Voices in public were heard outloud
Denouncing mockery of names
Producing such objectionable fame.
Doctors wrote articles, so in the end
George’s sentence was brought down
To mere two more years in his cell.
And when he served his time and was free man,
He had a visitor, a priest with mind inclined
To help relieve his soul of burden of the crime.
And when the priest asked him to speak outright,
To tell him in his words the history of crime,
For though his mind was in a mess that time
It still was crime, no man could possibly deny.
To question: “What was motive of your crime?”
Was George’s sincere answer:“Nothing much,
I was in love with just another one.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Apr 2011
About this poem:
A poetic rendition of Henry Cecil’s story “The Name.” If you take your precious time and read this, you will find it entertaining, at least I hope so. Thank you in advance.
Scare the Ghost
When sticks brush
against your window
pane
And moon peaks
through mist
and rain
When shadows glide
accross the
walls
And clinking chains
drag the
halls
When weird figures
walk through
doors
And nails push
up through
hardwood
floors
When unseen things
start playing
that game
And you're about
to go completely
insane
Don't worry
Scare the Ghost!
That's right
Now You're
the Host!
If you call
his bluff
He'll vanish
in a puff
Cause he's
one big sissy
just throwin'
his little hissy
Scare the Ghost!
You'll be glad
you did
Scare the Ghost
He just ran
and hid..
BOO!!
against your window
pane
And moon peaks
through mist
and rain
When shadows glide
accross the
walls
And clinking chains
drag the
halls
When weird figures
walk through
doors
And nails push
up through
hardwood
floors
When unseen things
start playing
that game
And you're about
to go completely
insane
Don't worry
Scare the Ghost!
That's right
Now You're
the Host!
If you call
his bluff
He'll vanish
in a puff
Cause he's
one big sissy
just throwin'
his little hissy
Scare the Ghost!
You'll be glad
you did
Scare the Ghost
He just ran
and hid..
BOO!!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Apr 2011
Post Comment
redex made me do this, and I'm no gentleman
....julia
(will)
O, know'st thou not his looks are my soul's food?
Pity the dearth that I have pined in,
By longing for that food so long a time.
Didst thou but know the inly touch of love,
Thou wouldst as soon go kindle fire with snow
As seek to quench the fire of love with words.
(hedi)
'oh face, smile upon me
let not my dreams have been in vain
it is only forever that I have slept
in hopes of awakening in your bosom
sudden conscious finds me bellowing, wallowing
but alas, your ears removed (or corked)..my voice mute...'
(will)
O, know'st thou not his looks are my soul's food?
Pity the dearth that I have pined in,
By longing for that food so long a time.
Didst thou but know the inly touch of love,
Thou wouldst as soon go kindle fire with snow
As seek to quench the fire of love with words.
(hedi)
'oh face, smile upon me
let not my dreams have been in vain
it is only forever that I have slept
in hopes of awakening in your bosom
sudden conscious finds me bellowing, wallowing
but alas, your ears removed (or corked)..my voice mute...'
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Mar 2011
About this poem:
save that cork, I may need it...Lame Game
Well..I don't
KNOW!
called today: Where are you??
Its six o clock
who cares
I can't decide...
I'm not going
are you going?
Wait, I think I'll go
are you going?
ok..we'll stay home
where's the cat
I have 3 dollars
What was your name?
I'm drinking coffee..
Why do you ask?
Of course I'm going
Meet you at the playground
I can't find the cat
Did you eat yet?
Did you call earlier?
I wasen't home
Wait a minute, the police
are at the door
No, that was a car backfiring not gunshots.'
Do you like pizza?
We could eat it on the hood of my car.
What? Tonight?
Was that your sister?
Oh, Your mother!
Why did she say that about me?
I'm still here..
I'll go
You coming over here?
The news is on
I don't know..some dude got his freaking
face blown off..
No I'm not laughing
I washed your pocketbook by mistake
I have 3 dollars
I just saw the cat
Well, we could eat over there if you want
I don't care.
No, I'm not freaking insane. Why do you ask?
I'm on your mothers cellphone..
I guess she left it here.
I don't care.
The cat has my 3 dollars.
Can you lend me a 100 bucks?
Because they fired me at the chicken farm thats why.
You have another boyfriend!
Why? Ain't I tough enough?
Goodbye!!
KNOW!
called today: Where are you??
Its six o clock
who cares
I can't decide...
I'm not going
are you going?
Wait, I think I'll go
are you going?
ok..we'll stay home
where's the cat
I have 3 dollars
What was your name?
I'm drinking coffee..
Why do you ask?
Of course I'm going
Meet you at the playground
I can't find the cat
Did you eat yet?
Did you call earlier?
I wasen't home
Wait a minute, the police
are at the door
No, that was a car backfiring not gunshots.'
Do you like pizza?
We could eat it on the hood of my car.
What? Tonight?
Was that your sister?
Oh, Your mother!
Why did she say that about me?
I'm still here..
I'll go
You coming over here?
The news is on
I don't know..some dude got his freaking
face blown off..
No I'm not laughing
I washed your pocketbook by mistake
I have 3 dollars
I just saw the cat
Well, we could eat over there if you want
I don't care.
No, I'm not freaking insane. Why do you ask?
I'm on your mothers cellphone..
I guess she left it here.
I don't care.
The cat has my 3 dollars.
Can you lend me a 100 bucks?
Because they fired me at the chicken farm thats why.
You have another boyfriend!
Why? Ain't I tough enough?
Goodbye!!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Apr 2011
Post Comment
a joke almost turned into a poem
mommy and daddy messen around
mommy gets naked jumps on daddy's gun
little johnny eight years old
opening the door mommy hits the floor
mommy gets dressed
little johnny shuts the door
mommy goes in the kitchen
johnny gets a glass of milk
mommy johnny asks
what you doing to daddy
mommy responds
daddy's got a big tummy
we were tryen to flatten him out
johnny responds
your wasting your time mommy
how so little johnny
johnny replies
when you go out leave for the store
neighbor cross the street
comes over gets on her knees
and blows him back up.
mommy gets naked jumps on daddy's gun
little johnny eight years old
opening the door mommy hits the floor
mommy gets dressed
little johnny shuts the door
mommy goes in the kitchen
johnny gets a glass of milk
mommy johnny asks
what you doing to daddy
mommy responds
daddy's got a big tummy
we were tryen to flatten him out
johnny responds
your wasting your time mommy
how so little johnny
johnny replies
when you go out leave for the store
neighbor cross the street
comes over gets on her knees
and blows him back up.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Apr 2011
About this poem:
not sure if this works as a poem but love this joke..
Zygote clucks
which came first the chicken or egg?
the answer seems half-baked or fried
that never-ending question to beg...
was egg hatched or chicken on the other side?
me thinks we may never know for sure
if the chicken crossed the road de jure
or whether she merely wished some space
far from the egg and it's sunny-side face
though the egg may roll around the flat
scrambling milky thoughts of this and that
layin' hen knows the whole question's misplaced
it's not where you goes, but how you taste
© agoodguy2have 2011-04-28
the answer seems half-baked or fried
that never-ending question to beg...
was egg hatched or chicken on the other side?
me thinks we may never know for sure
if the chicken crossed the road de jure
or whether she merely wished some space
far from the egg and it's sunny-side face
though the egg may roll around the flat
scrambling milky thoughts of this and that
layin' hen knows the whole question's misplaced
it's not where you goes, but how you taste
© agoodguy2have 2011-04-28
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Apr 2011
About this poem:
hmmm...file under inspiration, nature, or food?
Lost for words!
Why am i silent and still my voice? It is by intent; a deliberate choice. For speech is silver. Silence is like gold. So now and forever, my silence will hold. Words are mis-understood, making my speech lie. Tell me why i should, bother, to even try. Now i nod my head, when iam spoken too. Prefer doing that instead; non can accuse you! Goodbye little chitty-chat, debate and gossip too. You must know that, it's not about you. I welcome silent now; yes not another word! Won't have another row, if iam never heard!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: May 2011
About this poem:
Hope you agree with me!
Early Morning Action
Not now darling, I'm trying to sleep
Tongue in my ear is annoying
Hot breath in my ear, tis too much
I growl over at her
She pulls back, just for a bit
Then starts kissing my face
Sits on my chest while kissing my lips
For crying out loud I want to sleep
Why doesn't she listen
Next she sits on my face
That's it, enough is enough
Push her off and yell real loud
Get back in your kennel
Tail between legs she slinks away
My little Maltese X Shitzu
Tongue in my ear is annoying
Hot breath in my ear, tis too much
I growl over at her
She pulls back, just for a bit
Then starts kissing my face
Sits on my chest while kissing my lips
For crying out loud I want to sleep
Why doesn't she listen
Next she sits on my face
That's it, enough is enough
Push her off and yell real loud
Get back in your kennel
Tail between legs she slinks away
My little Maltese X Shitzu
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Sep 2011
About this poem:
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