Most Commented Humor Poems (1,865)

bloody nose cold feet
can not breathe burning up
laying down for a week
have a temperature of 103
called the doctor
I'm going in
took some blood going home
48 hours the phone rings
come on in your results are back
have a seat got some news
what is it do I have
doctor says you have
6 months to live
cold stare in disbelief
how can this be
what is it do I have
is it cancer how bout chemo
doctor shakes his head
no it is not cancer
do I have aids did I get
it from that b*tch
doctor shakes his head
no it is not aids
I do love you your not a b*tch
please forgive me
you will be free I only
have six months to live
what is it do I have doctor
please do tell
you have just a flu
why is it do I have
six months to live
you have a bill
the doctor says
if it is not paid
you will have a
bullet in your head

Yo, let's play a game of kickit
First you find something to kickit
Then you kickit day and night
Kickit here and kickit there
Well, let's kickit everywhere
But remember kickit gently
Don't kickit like on rampage
Kickit softly, kickit nice
Always treat the kickit right
When finished dust kickit off
Kickit on the shelf gently place
With respect the kickit treat
Next time kickit ready for you

It's typical this season to look out your window
and see a horde of Zombies dragging accross your front
lawn. But fear not. Here are some tried and proven tips
to ward off those pesky Zombies who are only out for blood.
You can thank me later.

1. Work their ego: Tell them you really admire their persistance
and would like to join their group.

2. Appeal to their sense of injustice: Tell them they should have
been the rightful dancers in Michael Jacksons, 'Thriller.'

3.Offer them a Mc Donalds 'Happy Meal' gift certificate and suggest
they take the day off.

4. Tell them it's not you they want but the old hag who lives next
door whose been making fun of them and she has a fat cat they might
be interested in too.

5. Tell them that the IRS Auditors have already been to your house.

6. Appeal to their sense of community: Tell them your mother-in-law
rents the room #666 right accross the hall from them in hell.

7. When they knock, open your front door waring a Richard Nixon mask.

8. Appeal to their sense of style: Tell them they'd attract more
victims if they shopped the latest in Macy's Department Store's Zombie apparrel.

9. Give them real hope: Tell them they fully qualify for Social Security benefits and the latest HMO Health Care Plan.

10. Get a crow bar from the trunk of your car and beat their
freaking brains out!

Thank you: Don't hesitate to call us for your results at Zombie.Dead Guy.com

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Twas last night
In the dark of night
With candle glowing

I held her tight
Little Red Riding Hood
Savouring the moment

I licked my lips
I brought her close
Such a heady aroma

I could not wait
I made her mine
The taste so heavenly

One gulp, she was gone
Gone was my Red Riding
Resistance was futile

So please kind Sir
I'll have another
Pour a Little Red Riding Hood

Hello out there in poet land!
I'm 60 and I got a lil' green
truck for Christmas!
That's all I got but I don't care..
All day long I play with my lil
truck
I even go to sleep with my lil
truck..
Would you like to come and play?
I roll my truck up and down the
walls..
All over the floors I DRIVE!
It's so exciting!
The big girls sometimes want to
take my truck from me but I won't
let them..
They tell me stuff like, When are you
going to go back to work and get out
of our hair?'
I just laugh and keep playing with
my lil green truck..
Mabey next year I'll go back to work..
Mabey when I'm 85..
You would like my truck ..
It goes Zoooom!
Mabey next year they'll buy you
a lil green truck cause you can't
have mine!

There's a guy named Bucky
he went to the store to get lucky
walken down the street found a
turtle named ducky
he stood on the street
and got all yucky
he went back home and ate
ducky turtle soup
cause his name was bucky.
he forgot all about getting lucky

...........
I’ve been praying for all my life
My only wish is to be someone’s wife
...........
Though my wish seems so hard to come true
Until now I haven’t seen a clue
...........
We meet every day every night
I loved it when we never fight
...........
I loved it when you held me tight
And your lips made me feel alright
...........
First I thought that you loved me too
But now I don’t understand you
...........
You used me and you let me lonely
I don’t need to hear your ‘sorry’
...........
Nobody wants to be alone I see
Why do I have no-one around me?
...........
I don’t think I need to be alone
Where is all testosterone?
...........
Oh-c’mon I’m not asking for kisses
I just want to change “MISS” to => “MRS.”
...........
I am not asking for 'many'
I am just asking for 'somebody'
...........
I don’t mind being in a bathroom
Could you please help me find a groom?
...........
You may say I have Mr. Crest
I tell you, he is not the best
...........
Don’t ask me about Mr. Colgate
I’m afraid he is not my fate
...........
You know that I do love you sOOOo much!!!
You know that I do love your touch!
...........
So please please if you love me too,
Go find me a (hubby) toothbrush!
...........


lol

Working on hundredth poem
Without a lot for me to say
Perhaps what is known
Of the weather this sunny day

A day in May with sunshine
Dandelions in with the grass
Darn things are a nuisance
The yellows' in such a mass

Will dig them all up you realize
Find the lawnmower and gas
Cut the lawn and fertilize
Give the lawn a little class

Love May as it gives us flowers
Its the dandelions that I hate
It'll take me hours and hours
And as flowers ..... second rate

But wait a moment gratuitous son
Don't throw hordes of them away
We can make wine by the ton
So as not to waste our prescious day!

I couldn't believe
my eyes when I
opened my back
door!
Accross the field
they came running
Mabey a thousand
or more!
There was Teddy Bear
throwin' hearts with
Smitten' close
behind
And army of Dancing
Banana's marching
to double time
Professor, Lips,
and Grin, tripped
over tired old
Mumbling
As smiley face
with a Mug of Beer
surely fell down
stumbling
I shouted out to
my little friends,
'Hey, Why are you
returning so soon?'
And Purple Heart just
shouted back, 'You're
e-mail met its doom!
'You see, cried Frustrated,
banging his head on
a wall
The ladies wouldn't open
your mail
Wouldn't accept your
call
The Bouquet and Bottle
of Wine, didn't do
the trick'
They said,'take your
Flowers to another
site
Mabey there you'll
meet your Pic'
So I gathered up
my little buddies
And tucked them
in my shirt
I'll just send them
out another day
When they're strong
enough to flirt~